10+ Proven Ways to Deal with a Dismissive Avoidant Partner

Co-authored by Adam Dorsay, PsyD and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: September 3, 2021 References

It can be frustrating and isolating to feel like your partner is constantly pulling away from you. You might feel like you're doing something wrong, or like you need to try harder to make them love you. However, the reason might not have anything to do with you at all. If your partner has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, it likely goes back to their childhood. Luckily, you can help them feel more secure as you work to build intimacy in your relationship, and, ultimately, close the emotional distance between you two.

1

Learn to understand your partner.

Recognize that being avoidant makes people seem detached. If a person has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, they tend to feel that no one will ever really be there for them. Usually, this happens because that person didn't have a very nurturing childhood.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.} To protect themselves, they learned as a child to become very withdrawn—and they carry that same defensive attitude into their relationships later in life.^{[2]
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- Often, people with this attachment style want to be in a relationship, but at the same time, they have a hard time showing that they need to be close to others.^{[3]
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  Research source} They might also look down on people who show their need for an emotional connection.
- You might notice that your partner will go long periods without texting or calling you, and they may have a hard time expressing their emotions. They might also project their fear of disappointment onto you, being especially critical if they feel you let them down in some way.^{[4]
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2

Acknowledge your own feelings.

Be compassionate with yourself. Having a partner who's dismissive-avoidant can make you feel lonely and like you aren't important to them. Don't be afraid to admit to yourself that you feel this way. Sometimes, even just naming your feelings to yourself can help you feel like you have more control over them. It can also give you a little perspective on what you're needing from your partner.^{[5]
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- You might also feel frustrated because you aren't getting what you need from the relationship, and confused about what your partner really wants—especially if they're warm and charming at first, but then pull away as you get closer.^{[6]
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3

Give your significant other space.

Don't chase after them when they withdraw. Someone who's dismissive-avoidant might need a lot of time to themselves, or they might pull back when they're feeling afraid of being hurt. Giving them the room they need to sort through their feelings will help them feel more secure around you, which can actually make them feel a lot closer to you.^{[7]
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- Even physical closeness can sometimes make a dismissive-avoidant person uncomfortable. Try not to take their distance personally—they just may be unsure how to deal with intimacy.^{[8]
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4

Focus on yourself.

Spend time doing things you enjoy. Don't rely on your partner to help you fill all your time—this can make them feel like you're too dependent on them. Instead, make plenty of time for your own friends, interests, and hobbies. That way, if your partner needs a little extra time alone, you won't just be sitting at home bored and waiting for them to call.^{[9]
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- When you're more self-sufficient, it helps take some of the pressure off your partner to be your whole emotional support system. Interestingly, this can make an avoidant person more attracted to you.

5

Be open about what you want and need.

Set boundaries if something isn't working. In a calm voice, let your partner know exactly what you need from them. Don't just complain about what they aren't doing—proactively tell them what you would like them to do. Include clear examples so they're not left guessing what you want.
- For example, if you feel confused because you sometimes don't hear from your partner for a week at a time, let them know you'd really like them to call or text you at least once a day.^{[10]
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- If you're feeling upset, give yourself some time to cool off before you try to talk about it. Your dismissive-avoidant partner may have an especially hard time communicating with you if you're showing strong emotions.
- Be open to compromise—your partner won't react well if they feel like you're trying to control them.

6

Be a supportive person for your partner.

Listen to them without telling them what to do. People who are dismissive-avoidant tend to feel really alone and they often have a hard time opening up.^{[11]
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Research source} When they do talk to you about something that's going on, try to be a compassionate listener—don't necessarily feel like you need to fix their problems for them. If they want advice from you, it's typically best to let them ask for it.^{[12]
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- This is a good approach to take with everyone in your life, but it's vital to helping your dismissive-avoidant partner feel more secure around you. Although it might seem like they don't need anyone, people with this attachment style usually do want to be loved and accepted by others.^{[13]
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- In addition, avoid criticizing your partner—support the decisions that they make.

7

Show your partner they can depend on you.

Be willing to build trust over time. A lot of times, someone who's avoidant is constantly expecting to be let down. This usually happens because they've dealt with a lot of disappointment in the past, and it can take a long time for them to trust someone new. Be willing to put in the time to show them that you'll do the things you say you'll do—do your best to keep your promises, and follow through on any commitments you make.^{[14]
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- Start with small things, like showing up on time to dates or picking up the dry cleaning when you say you will. Over time, this will help your partner see that they can trust you with bigger things.^{[15]
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8

Accept your partner for who they are.

Don't try to change them. While it's fine to ask for what you need, keep in mind that your partner's experiences up to this point have shaped them into who they are. They might always need a little more space than other people do, even if they eventually become more comfortable with intimacy.^{[16]
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- If you really need your significant other to be constantly warm and loving, an avoidant person might not be right for you.
- On the other hand, if you're able to build a trusting, secure relationship with your partner, they'll likely become more comfortable being close with you over time. You just have to be patient and let them come around on their own time.

9

Bond by doing things together.

Try physical activities that you can do side-by-side. Emotions can sometimes be overwhelming for an avoidant person. As a result, they might be uncomfortable with things like intense romantic dinners, especially early on. Instead, try to find things to do together that will occupy your body and mind. This will help them relax, which will ultimately help them feel closer to you.^{[17]
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- Good activities include hiking, going on bike rides, painting, playing, or building something together.

10

Let your partner know when they do something you like.

Focus on the positive more than the negative. If your partner does something that makes you feel loved and valued, point it out! You don't necessarily have to make a big deal about it, but by celebrating the good things, you'll make it easier for them to know what you're looking for, and they'll start to be more comfortable doing those things in the future.^{[18]
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- For instance, you might say something like, "I really appreciate you moving your schedule around so we can have dinner together. Thanks!"
- Do this even if they don't get it exactly right—don't point out what they could have done better. If you mix criticism and praise, it will have the opposite effect, and they'll be less likely to repeat that behavior.

11

Try couple's therapy if you need more help.

Talk to a therapist to learn more coping strategies. Learning about attachment styles—both your own and your partner's—can be really eye-opening in a relationship. A couple's counselor can help you and your partner better understand how to communicate with each other and how to make sure you both feel loved, respected, and valued in the relationship.^{[19]
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- A therapist can also help you set reasonable boundaries together that you can both agree on.
- Couple's counseling isn't just for failing relationships! It can be a great tool to get closer to your partner at any stage. It's especially helpful to find a therapist who specializes in attachment therapy.^{[20]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Greater Good Magazine
  Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
  Go to source}

Expert Q&A
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Question

Do avoidants want to be chased?

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

No, they don't. For instance, if they say they want to spend a night at home alone, don't constantly call or text them. That's just going to push them away.
Question

How do you know your attachment style?

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

The best way to find out about your attachment style is to read up on the different ones—the most common are anxious, avoidant, and secure. See which one really fits you.
Question

Can you be a mix of attachment styles?

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

You'll typically have a dominant style in most of your relationships. However, that might vary, depending on the relationship. With some people, you might be very secure, with others you might be anxious, and with some people you might be detached. It depends on the stage of the relationship and the situation at hand.