How to Deal With a Condescending Friend

Co-authored by Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC

Last Updated: February 5, 2023 References Approved

Sometimes people lapse into condescending behavior by accident and without realizing it. Other individuals are simply prone to condescending behavior, and may be unwilling or unable to work on the issue. It's always best to talk to your friend first to try and figure out what's wrong and let your friend know that you're upset. A good friend will try to work on a problem once that person knows that a friend's feelings are hurt. Be honest, direct, and kind with your friend, and let him or her know how you feel.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Having a Direct Conversation With Your Friend

1
Create a safe and open atmosphere to address the issue. No matter how you may feel in the moment, it's always best to reserve a serious conversation like this for a time and place when you can be alone. Collect your thoughts beforehand and invite your friend to a place that feels neutral, like a park (if it's nice out) or a coffee shop you can both get to easily.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.}^{[2]
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- Ask your friend's permission to have a serious talk.
- Say something like, "There's something that's been bothering me, and I was hoping we could sit down alone for a few minutes to talk. Is that okay?"
- Make sure you're not angry, hurt, or otherwise upset when you sit down to talk to your friend.
- Remember that this is supposed to be a meaningful and reasonable conversation, not a chance to prove that you're right or your friend is wrong.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
  Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.} Focus on honesty and straightforwardness, but remain grounded in compassion.^{[4]
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2
Focus on conveying what happened and how it made you feel. Once you're sitting down and talking about the issue at hand, it's important to focus on specific incidents - preferably recent incidents so it doesn't feel like you're dredging up the past. As you recall each incident to your friend, let him or her know how it made you feel. Try to convey why you felt that way, and what it was about your friend's words/actions that affected you so strongly.^{[5]
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- Use "I" statements. For example, instead of saying "You were mean to me," reframe it around your observations/feelings: "I felt like you didn't consider how it made me feel when you said _____."
- Don't use judgmental words, and don't make or convey any assumptions about your friend.
- Say something like, "The other day you said _______. That really hurt my feelings, and it really embarrassed me in front of everyone. It felt like you didn't care about me as a friend."
- Keep your emotions in check as you talk. Any time you feel tempted to say something out of anger, take a deep breath and think about how you can reframe the conversation without getting upset.
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3
Listen to your friend's response. Remember that the point of talking to your friend isn't to make him/her feel bad, nor is it to make you feel superior. You should be setting up a real, productive conversation about the nature of your friendship, so your friend will naturally have some input as well. Be open and willing to hear what your friend has to say.^{[6]
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- Be alert and attentive. Resist the urge to plan out what you want to say in response, and instead focus on listening.
- Don't interrupt. Give your friend a chance to speak, and if there's anything you were unclear on you can address it once your friend has finished talking.
- When it's your turn to speak, acknowledge what your friend has said. Say something like, "I understand what you're saying. Here's where I'm coming from."
- Don't argue or try to invalidate what your friend has said, but accept it and ask for clarification if needed.
4
Offer a concrete solution. Once you've had a back-and-forth dialogue about the problems you've been noticing, your friend might understand where you're coming from and vow to change. However, if that doesn't happen, you may need to offer a concrete plan of action on what you need your friend to change.^{[7]
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- Let your friend know what you would like things to be different going forward.
- Be specific. Try to give concrete examples - for example, advise your friend on how things might have been said/done differently during an encounter that you felt was condescending.
- Reiterate to your friend that you care about him/her and value the friendship you have. Remind your friend that you're not trying to nitpick or cut off your friendship; rather, you're actually trying to strengthen your bond.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Confronting and Disengaging During Moments of Condescension

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Remain calm. It's understandable that you might be upset if your friend continues to speak and act condescendingly towards you after you've talked about the issue. However, losing your temper in the moment will only make the situation much worse. Even if you've talked to your friend about the problem in the past, it's really best to approach the situation as calmly as possible to avoid an argument.
- Take a deep breath. Deep breathing can help calm your emotions and keep you grounded in the moment.
- Try excusing yourself for a moment if you're really having a hard time controlling your emotions. Go to the washroom and splash some cool water on your face to calm down.
2
Assess the situation. Sometimes a minor indiscretion by your friend isn't worth getting upset about. If your friend had an isolated, minor slip up, it's probably easier to just let it go and move on. Likewise, if you're with a group of people and your friend says something condescending, it's probably best to ignore what was said and try to change the subject. You can always bring the issue up with your friend later when you're alone, or if it happens again in the future.
- As you assess what was said, think about the physical place you're in and the social setting that you're a part of.
- Ask yourself whether you would feel uncomfortable if you saw/heard one of your friends air grievances with a mutual friend. If there's any risk that you might alienate anyone or make them feel uncomfortable, it's probably not the best time/place to talk about condescension.
3
Address the behavior directly. If you've talked to your friend about being condescending before, your friend should understand why you're upset. Still, your friend may have forgotten or had a lapse of judgment. You can talk to your friend again about this problematic behavior, but do so in a way that is respectful and productive.
- If you're with other friends, ask your condescending friend aside from the group. Say something like, "Can I talk to you alone for a minute about something?"
- Calmly (yet assertively) let your friend know that what he/she said felt condescending and hurtful. Use "I" statements rather than speaking in absolutes: "I feel like you forgot how much it hurts me when you talk to me like that."
- You can also address the condescending behavior by making an observation, such as, "You seem really critical of me lately." Let your friend respond to this - he/she may not have realized that what was said came off as condescending.
- Focus on asking questions after you've conveyed your hurt feelings. Say something like, "Do you realize how much it upsets me when you talk to me that way?" or "If you keep talking to me that way, I'm going to leave - is that what you want?"
4
Know when to walk away. If your friend is not willing to hear you, is being overly defensive of his/her actions, or has ignored or mocked your feelings on the matter, it's best to just leave the situation. You can assess whether or not to remain friends in the future, but in that moment there will not be a productive end to the conversation, and staying will only lead to an argument.
- Politely excuse yourself. Say something like, "I can't stay right now or I'm going to get upset," or simply say "I really have to go."
- If you and your friend were with other people, let them know that you're leaving. You can make up an excuse if you like, but try to be truthful - say something like, "I'm not feeling well and I need to go home."

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Breaking Off a Toxic Friendship

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Recognize the signs of a toxic friendship. If your friend continues to disregard your feelings and speak/act condescendingly towards you, that individual could simply be a bad friend. This isn't necessarily something your friend is aware of or doing intentionally. However, if repeated attempts at talking about the problem haven't fixed things, you may need to walk away.^{[8]
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Research source} Some signs that your friendship might be toxic include:
- an imbalance in your friend's willingness to listen to you or hear about your struggles and accomplishments
- a power dynamic wherein your friend never calls or contacts you, and you are always the one who has to initiate conversations and get-togethers
- feeling like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting that friend
- feeling like your friend puts your emotions through tremendous ups and downs for no real reason
2
Be honest about your reasons for needing to end things. Lying or avoiding the issue of your friend's condescending behavior isn't doing that friend any favors. Your friend will probably continue to have those problems with other friends, family members, and perhaps even colleagues. If you've decided to end the friendship, it's important that you do so in person (in a safe, neutral space) and let your friend know why you're ending things.^{[9]
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- Be honest and direct about what you're doing. Say outright, "I don't think I can be your friend anymore - at least not until you work on this problem."
- Letting your friend know that the condescending behavior is the problem could potentially leave the door open to a future reunion if your friend works on those issues.
3
Cut off ties with that individual. Once you've decided that a friendship is irreparable and you've let your friend know that you're ending the friendship, it's time to actually put your intentions into action. Stop calling or texting your friend, don't engage in conversation, and try to avoid the individual as best you can going forward.
- You may want to block the person's phone number so that individual can't call or text you. However, if you're hopeful that your friend can change and that you may be able to mend things in the future, you should avoid blocking that person's number.
- Consider un-friending/unfollowing the individual on social media. It may be difficult, but it will make it easier for you to move on.
- Don't drag your mutual friends into your problems. Respect the fact that people may still wish to remain friends with the individual, and avoid speaking negatively about that individual to others.
- Ask mutual friends if the condescending individual will be at social events, and decide whether or not you want to try attending those events.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you confront a friend who has hurt you?

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Hyungbum Kang is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker based in Honolulu, Hawaii. With over a decade of experience, Hyungbum specializes in using an integrated therapeutic approach to treat ADHD, Anger Management, Depression, and other mental health and social work struggles. He received a Bachelor’s degree in English and Master’s degrees in Sociology and Social Work. Hyungbum earned an MBA from Hawaii Pacific University (HPU) and is working on his Doctor of Psychology from HPU. He is a member of the American Psychological Association, the International Honor Society in Psychology, the National Association of Social Workers, and the California Consortium of Addiction Programs and Professionals.

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

Try to sit down with them and have an open discussion. Take time to collect your thoughts and feelings so you can have a productive and reasonable conversation.