How to Deal With Heartbreak

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: January 18, 2023 Approved

Everyone goes through heartbreak at some point, and there is no way to avoid it. There are, however, ways to deal with heartbreak and nudge yourself in the right direction. See step 1 to start dealing with heartbreak.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Dealing With the Immediate Aftermath

1
Give yourself time. When you're just coming out of a situation that has caused you heartbreak (like the breakup of a relationship) you're going to need to give yourself time to grieve and to deal with all the emotions that are going to plague you in those first months.
- Don't immediately throw yourself into work (or something else that consumes all your time) because you'll just keep pushing away the emotions rather than actually dealing with them and that will make it harder on you in the long run.
- You are going to have lots of emotional ups and downs. Recovering from heartbreak isn't a straight line of progression upward, but rather a spiral. Just remember as you are going through the same emotional circle, that each time around you're better able to deal with the emotions from the heartbreak and that you are getting better.
2
Give yourself space from your ex. It's nearly impossible to get over the heartbreak of a relationship ending, but constantly being bombarded with information about your ex is definitely not going to help anything. This means no stalking on Facebook, no texting, no drunken phone calls.^{[1]
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- Block your ex on social media so that you won't be tempted to spend hours pouring over their Facebook page and over-analyzing every single thing they post in an attempt to figure out if they regret not being with you and miss you, etc. etc.
- If you're constantly trying to stay in communication with your ex you're not going to be able to move on, which will make your feelings of heartbreak and unhappiness that much harder and that much harder to bear.
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3
Don't fight your feelings. You are going to be devastated when you encounter heartbreak. There's no way to avoid that and if you fight those feelings you're going to make it harder to deal with them in the long run.
- Try journaling about how you're feeling. This is an especially good thing to do if you're bad at talking with other people about your feelings. Every day, write down how you're feeling about the heartbreak. Gradually, you'll see that you are getting better.
- You don't need to pretend you're fine when you're really really not. Accept that you're going to be going through some emotional turbulence for a bit. Your friends (if they're true friends) will understand and support you.
- Feel free to listen to angsty, angry, sad songs to help get those feelings out, but don't stay there. Make sure that you don't only listen to songs about heartbreak and breakups, otherwise you're going to have an even tougher time getting over it.
4
Make plans. While you will need time to wallow in your unhappiness, you also need to remind yourself why life is worth living. At first it will be really hard to make yourself go out and do anything, but trying to do at least one thing a week can be a good place to start.
- Start small. Don't try to make yourself go out and host an entire fancy dinner right after the heartbreak. Instead, start by getting coffee or a beer with your best friend, or going to hang out at the library.
- Do things that you enjoy, especially things that you weren't able to do while being part of a couple. This will remind you why you're better off without the relationship and remind you how to do things on your own.
5
Take care of yourself. One of the most important things to do while you're recovering from heartbreak is to take care of yourself. A lot of times you'll be feeling super unmotivated and it can be hard to simple get out of bed, but going that extra mile for yourself can help you from falling into a huge pit of despair.
- Reward yourself for things that take extra effort like cleaning your apartment, going grocery shopping, even showering.
- Exercising can be a good way to take care of yourself and boost your mood. Exercise releases endorphins, which can help make you feel happier and you'll feel better about yourself in general.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Coping Long-Term

1
Impose a daily limit on grieving. Once you've gotten over the initial shock of the heartbreak, you need to make sure that you don't spend too much time wallowing and grieving, otherwise you're never going to let yourself get over the relationship and that's what you need most of all.
- Set a time each day to reflect on the break-up, usually about 20-30 minutes. Set a timer so that you know when time's up. During the day, as thoughts of the heartbreak come up, remind yourself that you have a specific time set aside and until then, you'll focus on other things.
- Make sure that you have an activity that requires your attention (preferably something fun) schedule for right after, so your attention is immediately diverted.
- Get a trusted friend or family member to help you out. Give yourself a certain limit when talking about the heartbreak (say 30 minutes) and when you've gone over it have your friend or family member remind you to put your focus elsewhere.
2
Beware of the rebound. There's nothing wrong with bolstering your confidence with an easy rebound relationship, as long as both parties know that's all it is. You're going to be in a mire of low self-confidence and vulnerability after a recent split and that's a really bad time to try to start something real with someone else.
- If you're going out and partying try to moderate your drinking, both so that you don't end up drunk-calling/texting your ex and so that you don't think it's a really good idea to try to start something with someone because you're feeling down and your self esteem is low.
- Have your friends help you out. If it looks like you're coming in for a fall, have them remind you about rebounds and just make sure that's really what you want (which it can be, but you'll need to check in with yourself to make sure).
3
Watch how you act online. This also refers to texting and calling. You really want to make sure that you don't post tons of angry or upset things about your former relationship and you don't want to invite everyone to witness your mental breakdown over Facebook status updates.
- You also want to make sure that you're not just putting things like "can't wait for my hot date tonight" on Facebook in the hopes that your ex or their friends will see. If you're doing that you're still in the throes of the breakup and you're still doing things for their benefit instead your own.
- The more you text/call your ex the harder it will be for you to move on, especially if they broke up with you. You'll be doing nothing more than boosting their self esteem and lowering your own. Delete them from your phone, block them on social media, and don't ask your friends or their friends how they are.
4
Remember that your end goal is to move on. The heartbreak comes from the trauma of the end of a relationship and once you've moved on from the relationship itself you'll be no longer experiencing the heartbreak. Your goal is to remember that this is something that you are capable of, even when it feels like your world has come to an end.^{[2]
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- You still have a future, remember. Even though it no longer involves that other person, you still have hopes and dreams and plans for what you'll be doing. You'll be grieving the loss of the dreams you were working for with the other person, but you'll need to remember that you can replace those dreams with new ones.
- Repeat to yourself "I want to be happy." This mantra will remind you that even though you're in the dumps because of heartbreak, you have no desire to remain there. Remind yourself that you're working towards being happy and getting over your heartbreak is part of that.^{[3]
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5
Seek help. Sometimes you can't get over something on your own and you need to seek professional assistance. There is nothing wrong with this or with you and you shouldn't feel ashamed about it. Heartbreak is painful and it stirs up a whole bubbling cauldron of feelings and emotions that can be difficult to deal with.
- Learn to see the difference between regular sadness over a breakup and true depression. If it's been weeks and you're unable to get out of bed, or take care of yourself, or you simply don't care about anything, you definitely need to see a professional.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I make my heartbreak less painful?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Create an environment that's conducive to your happiness. Additionally, be patient, kind, and compassionate with yourself.

Warnings

You also shouldn't take full blame for the end of the relationship solely on yourself. Two people were part of that relationship and two people ended it (even if one broke up with the other).

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Helpful 201 Not Helpful 29
Try to avoid telling your friends and family a lot of dirty and bad details - they will detest this person forever. If one day you decide to get back together with your ex - it will be a great problem.

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Don't start badmouthing your ex to everyone. You don't have to keep quiet about the things that didn't work and the things that made the relationship difficult, but remember, it probably wasn't just your ex that screwed things up.

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If you find out that your former SO is having a new affair, act like a well behaved person - do not disturb your ex's new crush.

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