How to Deal With Having Gay Parents

Last Updated: February 28, 2023

Having gay parents can make life outside of your house a little more complicated than if you had straight parents. However, it doesn't make life inside your house any different from everyone else your age. This means that dealing with having gay parents isn't so much about dealing with your parents as its about dealing with other people who don't understand your family. This can be difficult and hard to deal with while you are growing up, however, with a little patience and a lot of help from your family, you can overcome any harassment you face and help your family thrive.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Dealing With Harassment

1
Avoid apologizing that your parents are gay. There's nothing for you to be embarrassed about and there's no reason for you to apologize. This can be hard to keep in mind when others are telling you that your parents are weird. Just remember that you probably aren't embarrassed that you have two fathers or two mothers. You're probably more embarrassed by what your friends or the other kids at school will say or think about it.
- Don't worry about what others think. What is important is that you are true to yourself and considerate of others, but that doesn't mean you need to cater to the sensibilities of others.
- Instead of apologizing for your parents, try saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or simply "I love my parents the way they are."
2
Remember that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Your parents are good, loving people who care deeply about each other and you. Their relationship is just as valid and important as the relationships straight people have. In addition, the fact that they are gay has no bearing on the way they treat other people, and certainly does not affect the way they treat and deal with you.
- Anyone who teases you about your parents' relationship is probably someone who has had no interaction with gay people, to their knowledge.
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3
Walk away from ignorant comments and people. Many times people say mean things because they are lacking something in their own lives. Knowing this, however, doesn't make putting up with harassment any easier. If someone is making fun of your family it is best to just walk away. However, you get to walk away knowing that what they are saying is saying something really sad about them, not you.
- Tell someone harassing you, "I'm not interested in listening to ignorant comments about my family." You could even simply state, "I don't want to talk about this with you."
- You have just as much right to exist as the kids who give you a hard time. You don't have to be like them or get along with them to be cool.
4
Try to change an ignorant person's mind. You shouldn't feel like you have to do this but it may be worth your time. Someone who is homophobic because they haven't been around a lot of gay people may just need some positive exposure to change their mind. Instead of avoiding that person, you could:
- Invite the problem person to your home. Ask them over just to hang out with a group of other friends. Try saying, "I know you say you don't like gay people but my parents are great and I would love for you to meet them." If you can put one or both of your parents in the same room with this person, and just let them see that your parents are kind, fun people who don't deserve to be hated simply because they are misunderstood, it will help the situation a lot.
- Try talking to them. Ask the person bothering you "Why are you giving me a hard time?" Depending on how they answer that question, you can gauge whether you want to take the time to change their mind.
5
Surround yourself with true friends. It's important to have friends that you don't have to hide anything from and who don't care that you have same-sex parents. Depending on where you live, these can be hard to find, but keep looking and don't give up. True friends like hanging out with you because of who you are and they won't let your parents' sexual orientation get in the way of that.
- Don't be afraid to talk about your parents with your friends. You shouldn't try to hide the fact that they are gay by not mentioning them. Instead of saying "my parents" to hide that they are gay, say "my dads" or "my moms" and be proud of the people that have raised you. In essence, you should come out to your friends about having gay parents.^{[1]
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6
Hang out with other kids of same-sex parents.^{[2]
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Research source} If you know of any kids in your school, search them out. If you don't, you can contact (or ask your parents to contact) a group for kids with gay parents.^{[3]
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Research source} These are groups that can connect you with other kids of same-sex parents, which can help you feel less alone in your situation.
- Do your parents have other gay friends with kids your age? See if you can hang out with them more often.
7
Be your own person and remember who you are. You are a product of what you were raised to be. Your parents love you, and you may sometimes be embarrassed about their relationship and how others perceive your family, but you love your parents, too. No matter what others do, remember this, hold onto your dignity and integrity and don't worry about the ignorant or the jerks.
- Focus on yourself and the kind of person you are. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into apologizing for who you are.
- Focus on doing things with your family that you enjoy. Doing activities and following interests that you all share will only make your family stronger and it will also help you remember who you are as a person.
8
Don't deal with ongoing harassment alone. You have the right not to be harassed by others. If you are having ongoing problems, consider seeking out help. If you've tried talking to your harasser, or tried just ignoring them, and they won't lay off, consider talking to a teacher or counselor about it.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Letting Your Parents Help You

1
Tell your parents about your feelings. Ask them any questions you have about their relationship and how your family was formed. Because gay families are not always formed in the same ways as straight families, it can be confusing.^{[4]
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Research source} It can also be very difficult to be open and honest with your parents, especially if what you are going to ask them relates to sexuality. However, it is your parents' job to teach you things and to help you with problems that you can't figure out on your own.
- Tell them how you are feeling and ask them to help you if you are confused. They, better than anyone else probably, understand you and the situation.
- Try saying, "I love you and I want to ask you about your relationship." You could also just ask one or both of your parents to tell you how they met and became a family. This could create an opening to ask further questions.
- Your parents probably know it's hard dealing with other kids and their assumptions about same-sex parents. In fact, they are probably trying hard to understand and make life easier for you already.
2
Tell your parents if you are being harassed. It is important not to suffer in silence. Talk to them about this person and what they are saying to you. It will help them to understand how your days at school go and what you are up against.
- If your parents know the whole situation they will be better able to offer suggestions about coping with the harassment.
3
Remember that your parents love you. If you were born after your parents became a couple, they probably went through a lot of medical (artificial insemination) or legal (surrogacy or adoption) procedures just to have you. You can always take comfort in the fact that you were dearly wanted.
- Maybe one of your parents is a biological parent and you were adopted or just parented by the other later in life. The parent that chose to parent you loves you just as much as the other. In fact, they actively chose to make you their kid and to change their life to be with you, which should show you how much they care.
4
Be grateful for your parents. Having two parents who love you is a lot more than some kids even have. Studies have repeatedly shown that the children of same-sex couples do just as well in life as the children of straight couples, so you have the same potential for success as others with straight parents do.^{[5]
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5
Remember that all parents are embarrassing sometimes. In every way but one, most gay parents are just like straight parents.^{[6]
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Research source} They are not lying awake at night thinking up ways to embarrass you but sometimes they just do it. Try not to take it personally when they say something embarrassing or uncool. Just remember that all parents say and do the wrong thing sometimes.