How to Cope when Loved Ones Refuse to Come to Your Wedding

Co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: March 1, 2022 References

When you're getting married, you have a million things on your mind. Unfortunately, having loved ones refuse to come to your wedding can make it difficult to enjoy planning your big day. To help you cope with their decision, you should focus on the happiness and love surrounding your wedding. Shifting your attention to the positive will remind you what your wedding is really about. You should also communicate your feelings with the loved ones. Being honest and open with your emotions will help you manage their decision to accept or refuse your invitation.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Communicating With the Loved Ones

1
Ask why they refuse to come. Chances are, you may have some idea why loved ones might refuse your wedding invitation. Regardless of whether you know the reason or it comes as a complete surprise, call or sit down with the loved ones. Ask them directly why they don't want to come to your wedding.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.}
- Talking with the loved ones directly will prevent future misunderstandings, so it's important to hear what they have to say. For example, you could say, "I know you don't get along with my fiancee, but is that what's stopping you from attending our wedding?"
- Knowing the reason may also allow you to make compromises. For instance, maybe the person doesn't want to go because they don't want to see an ex-spouse. Offer to let them choose their own seat at the reception, or ask if they would be comfortable attending the ceremony and skipping the reception, etc.
2
Be honest and open about your feelings. Once the loved ones have explained why they don't want to come, sincerely tell them how their decision has made you feel. They may not have realized how hurt you would be by their absence and may even reconsider coming to the wedding. If not, they may acknowledge your feelings.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.}
- For example, you might tell them, "I've always respected you and your opinion. Your refusal to come to my wedding makes me feel angry and unloved."
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3
Explain why you want to get married. The loved ones may have made their decision without knowing much about why you're getting married. Take the time to explain how much you love your fiancee, that you understand marriage is a serious commitment, and what your plans are for the wedding ceremony. If it's important for you to have them there, make it clear that you value their presence.^{[3]
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- For example, you might say, "My fiancee and I have been together a long time and we'd like to officially pledge our love for each other in front of our closest friends and family. We'd really like you to be there to support us."
4
Counter their arguments. Once you've listened to their justifications for refusing to attend, respectfully respond to their concerns. Pay attention to how you react and try to think through your response before talking. Remain calm and avoid blaming them, which will only strengthen their resolve.^{[4]
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- For example, if they refuse to come because there are religious differences, you might say, "I know the fact that my fiancee is of a different faith concerns you; however, we've discussed the effect our spirituality has on our relationship. We'd still love for you to attend."
5
Avoid blaming yourself. It's easy to beat yourself up when loved ones refuse to come to your wedding. You might even start asking yourself what you could have done differently to prevent the falling out. You need to realize that they've made their decision.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.} Their absence at your wedding won't define who you are.^{[6]
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- Remind yourself that you did your part by extending the invitation. This shows that you've made an effort for them to be a part of your life. It's up to them to refuse or accept it.
6
Talk with a therapist or counselor. If you're still hurt, angry, or resentful at the loved ones who refuse to attend your wedding and you want them to be there, ask them if they'd consider going to therapy with you. You may not convince them to come to your wedding, but maybe talking with a third-party would help you all understand each others' feelings better.^{[7]
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National Health Service (UK)
Public healthcare system of the UK
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- If the loved ones refuse to attend therapy, consider going by yourself. Talking through your emotions can help you process your feelings so you can move on and enjoy your day.^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Allison Broennimann, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.}

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Coping with Your Loved Ones' Refusal

1
Be there for each other. Remind yourself that your wedding is about the commitment between you and your fiancee. Instead of feeling stressed out about your loved ones' refusal to come to your wedding, focus on the fact that you and your spouse will soon be starting a new life together.
- Share your feelings with your fiancee and let your fiancee help you work through them. For example, you might say, "I'm really upset that our loved ones won't come to the wedding." Talking through your emotions together will make you feel closer.
2
Surround yourself with guests that support you. Keep in mind that your wedding should be filled with people who love and care for you and your fiancee.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.} If you think a loved one's absence will be notable, ask a close friend or relative to step in and fill the role. For example, if your father refuses to come to your wedding, you could ask a close friend to walk you down the aisle.^{[10]
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- Remind yourself that you may have a better time at the wedding than if people who didn't support you came to the wedding and made you uncomfortable.^{[11]
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3
Thank the people who will come to your wedding. Some guests may feel uncomfortable if others refuse to come to your wedding. Take the time to talk with guests who have accepted the invitation to thank them for coming, especially if they may feel out of place. This will put them at ease.
- For example, you might say, "I know you and my mom don't really get along, but it means a lot to me that you're coming to my wedding."
4
Deal with the pain of rejection. Having loved ones who refuse to come to your wedding may be very painful and feel like a rejection. Allow yourself to feel that pain and grieve a little, then take steps to rebuild your bruised self-esteem and more forward. Catch any negative talk — things like "What is wrong with me?", "Why don't they love me?", etc. — and remind yourself that everyone experiences rejection, even the most confident and successful people. The way to recover is to think of the rejection as something outside of yourself; that it has absolutely nothing to do with your worth as a person.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.} This is your loved ones' problem.^{[13]
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- If your self-confidence is hurt, try taking a moment every day to write down three things you like about yourself. On top of that, you might write a few things that you are looking forward to at your wedding, such as cutting the cake with your new spouse.
- Try setting a limit on how long you can grieve. Tell yourself: "I can mourn the fact that my dad won't be at my wedding and walking me down the aisle until Friday at 4pm. Then I will let go of it."
5
Do something for you. If you find yourself dwelling on how unhappy you are or you can't seem to shake feeling sorry for yourself, change your focus. Remind yourself that you should feel happy during this engagement period. Take time out of your planning schedule to do something that cheers you up.^{[14]
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- For example, you might want to do something by yourself like go for a hike, shop, or see a movie. Or you could call a close friend and do something fun together.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Helping Your Fiancee Cope

1
Have an honest talk with your partner. If your fiancee was really depending on their loved ones attending, you need to be there emotionally for your partner. Remind your partner that your wedding is about the two of you. If you're concerned that your partner won't want to get married because the loved ones won't be there, ask your fiancee if they want to change wedding plans. Listen to what they say and don't dismiss their feelings.^{[15]
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- For example, you might say, "I know you were planning on your loved ones being there for us, but remember that it's our wedding and I'll always be there for you."
2
Work through the refusal. Your fiancee might be struggling to understand why the loved ones refused the invitation or their decision not to come to your wedding. Give your fiancee time to work through their own emotions. Remind your fiancee that you still have things you can do to plan the wedding and refocus the attention onto the rest of the wedding.^{[16]
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- If you can, avoid creating a dramatic or hurtful situation. Instead, gently remind your fiancee that it's alright to feel hurt, but they should avoid angry confrontations.
3
Surround your fiancee with supportive people. Ensure that other loved ones of your fiancee are still able to come to the wedding. These people can lift your fiancee's spirits and remind your fiancee that people care about your love and commitment. If some people are undecided about coming, consider calling them yourself to personally ask them to attend.
- For example, you might call one of your fiancee's close friends who lives far away and briefly explain the situation. Let the friend know that it would mean a lot to your fiancee for them to be at the wedding.

Expert Q&A

Question

Do you have to invite your family to your wedding?

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.

Allison Broennimann, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Not really! In this situation, you have to ask yourself if you really would want them to be there on your special day. If the person has some kind of bias or prejudice that makes them an inappropriate guest, feel free to not invite them!