What to Do When Your Mom Says Hurtful Things: How to React

Written by Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD | Edited by Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: December 19, 2022 References

Your relationship with your mom is supposed to be one of the most special relationships in your life, which makes it that much harder when she says something that hurts your feelings. You may not know how to react or what to say to her, but don't worry—we're here to help. In this article, we'll give you lots of expert recommendations for talking with your mom and taking care of yourself.

This article is based on an interview with our life coach, Seth Hall, founder of Transformational Solutions. Check out the full interview here.

1

Stay calm.

Breathe deeply to control your emotions and soothe yourself. It's completely normal to feel your temper rise if she said something really mean. However, don't immediately react or argue—take slow, deep breaths to calm yourself. It may help to picture a comforting scene or just walk out of the room to get some space.^{[1]
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- If you can't leave your home, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Imagine a place that makes you feel happy and safe. Really take a moment to imagine the scene using all of your senses.

2

Think about why your mom said those things.

Acknowledging her thoughts and feelings can help you figure out how to talk with her. Before you talk to her, ask yourself why she said what she said. Take a moment to consider how your mom is feeling or thinking. This can make your conversation easier.
- For example, you might think about your mother's childhood or how she was raised. Maybe she's dealing with trauma and doesn't know how to work through it. This might help you realize that her hurtful comments are more about her inability to cope than anything you actually did.

3

Tell your mom that she hurt your feelings.

Express yourself so your mom knows that you're hurt. It can be scary or overwhelming to approach your mom and discuss what she said, but it's a big step. Keep your calm and use a respectful tone of voice, so she's more likely to listen to you. Make sure you tell her why you're upset and what you'd like to see change.
- Use "I" statements when you talk to your mom, so she doesn't get defensive. For example, say, "When you said you're disappointed in me, I felt worthless," or, "I felt really stressed out when you said I don't help out enough."
- This can feel really hard or scary, but taking small steps—even just saying something short like, "I feel terrible when you call me names,"—tells her that her behavior is harmful. With practice, you can build up to longer, deeper conversations.

4

Stop taking what she says personally.

Put emotional space between the two of you to protect your feelings. If your mom repeatedly hurts your feelings and says harmful, insensitive things, it might be time to put some emotional space between the two of you. Practice detaching—where you emotionally distance from what she says. ^{[2]
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Research source} If you can't physically leave, mentally detach by repeating a useful mantra like:
- "I'm not responsible for my mom's feelings."
- "I don't need my mother's approval."
- "I will not rise to my mom's hurtful challenge."

5

Set healthy boundaries with your mom.

Identify behaviors you want her to stop to give her consequences. You may not feel like you're in control of your relationship, but you can establish boundaries. Boundaries are for you—you're standing up for yourself and telling your mom that her behavior is unacceptable.
- You might say, "If you can't talk to me without calling me names, then I can't interact with you," "You can't verbally abuse me," or, "You're not allowed to call me names." Your consequences could include refusing to respond to her or leaving the house.
- If you're setting boundaries to assert your independence, it's really important that you follow through on commitments that you make to your mom. For instance, if you tell her that you need free time to do stuff after school, but that you'll be home for dinner, make a point of showing up on time. This demonstrates your maturity.

6

Develop a positive mindset.

Take care of your mental wellbeing by stopping harmful negative talk. If your mom says hurtful things, you might start to believe them unless you change your outlook. If you think something like, "I must be a bad person," stop and tell yourself, "Actually, I'm quite a good person." Repeat these positive thoughts and eventually, you'll believe them.^{[3]
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- For example, if you think, "I feel so criticized," tell yourself, "I might not be perfect, but I do my best."
- Turn a negative thought like, "I feel so angry and unloved," to, "I know I'm a lovable person and I know ways to calm myself down."

7

Prioritize self-care.

Hearing hurtful things can be hard, so take care of yourself. Shift the focus from your mom—you can't change her, but you can make positive improvements in your own life.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} Try to get plenty of sleep, healthy movement, and nutritious food, and do nice things for yourself, too! Here are a few great ways to care for yourself:
- Meditate.
- Learn a skill you've always wanted to try.
- Get out into nature.
- Treat yourself to coffee or your favorite dessert.

8

Spend time around emotionally-supportive people.

Surround yourself with people who love and respect you to you feel valued. Take a break from the stress and anxiety that comes from interacting with your mom. Reach out to friends and loved ones who truly care about you—even calling or texting can make you feel better. If you're up to it, share about the relationship with your mom, or just enjoy knowing that you're around people who love you for who you are.^{[5]
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- If you're not sure who to talk to or you'd like to talk with someone who's going through a similar experience, join a support group for the children of toxic parents. You could find a group online or ask a counselor for recommendations.
- If you'd like to develop a support network, join an activity or club so you can meet new people who have similar interests.

9

Talk with a trusted adult if you're being abused.

Get help if your mom is physically abusive or you fear for your safety. If you feel like your mom is toxic and abusive, you need to take care of yourself. Reach out to someone who can help you. This might be a school counselor, a relative, or a teacher.^{[6]
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- For instance, if your mom is screaming things at you and throwing things, get to a safe spot and call a relative to come pick you up.
- Don't hesitate to call 911 if you're afraid for your safety. If you can't call emergency services, go to a public space like a business or library that has a yellow "Safe Place" sign. They'll arrange for you to talk with counselors or get the help you need.^{[7]
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10

Get professional support.

Talk with a therapist who can help you process what you're feeling. It's totally natural to feel hurt and alone if your mom is unkind to you. You may not know who can talk to about your complicated relationship, but there are people who want to help you! A therapist or a counselor at your school can help you figure out ways to talk with your mom, or can help you move forward with your life if you've decided to step away from the relationship.^{[8]
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- You can talk to a personal therapist or find one who specializes in family conflicts. If you're still in school, talk with your counselor, who can also help you find resources you need.

11

Forgive your mom when you're ready.

Let go of your anger and resentment to move on. Forgiveness is complicated—it's not something you can force yourself to do. Instead, you'll know you're ready to forgive her when you don't need her approval, and when you take control of your own happiness.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good in Action
An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life
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- You don't have to verbally forgive your mom, although you could say something like, "I forgive you for the hurtful things you said. I hope we can move past it."
- It's fine to mentally recognize that you've gotten over the hurt that your mom caused and that you've forgiven her.