How to Cope With Being a Virgin when Your Friends Aren't

Co-authored by Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST

Last Updated: February 16, 2022 References

Sometimes it's hard to relate to friends when they have had sex and you haven't. They may talk about what they've done and you feel left out or maybe they're pushing you to have sex. They might even be making fun of you for it. But it’s important to remember your own self worth, and to hold true to your values.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Validating Your Personal Choices

1
Consider why you’ve chosen to stay a virgin. Maybe you’re still a virgin because you are making the conscious choice to stay one. Maybe you are waiting for the right time, and the right person. Or, maybe you follow a religion that requires you to abstain until marriage. All of these are valid reasons to stay a virgin, despite what your friends are doing.^{[1]
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Research source}^{[2]
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Expert Source

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.}
- There really is no “wrong” reason to stay a virgin. Keeping your virginity is totally normal, and nothing to be ashamed of. If your friends not being virgins makes you feel ashamed or inexperienced, remind yourself that it is totally okay that you are still a virgin.
2
Understand that there is no rush. Even if you aren’t still a virgin by choice, and just haven’t found the right person, it’s normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone will have their time, and there is much more to life than just your sexual experiences.
- Keep in mind that you are much better off waiting for the right time or person than you are losing your virginity just to “get it over with” or to feel like you’ve hit some kind of milestone. Be patient and give yourself time.
3
Recognize the risks you’ve avoided. Sexual activity comes with various risks and possible consequences that you may or may not be prepared to deal with. Abstinence, for example, is the only 100% effective method of preventing pregnancy. Avoiding sexual activity can also protect you from sexually transmitted diseases.
- For women, becoming sexually active also means seeing a gynecologist on an annual basis to screen for cervical cancer and STDs. These visits involve pelvic exams that can sometimes be uncomfortable. If you don’t become sexually active, you don’t need to start these annual visits until around age 21.^{[3]
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4
Understand your own worth. Remember that despite what your friends are doing, you are worth more than your level of sexual activity. You have more to offer your friends than stories about sexual experiences. Your friendships should be based on mutual respect and kindness, rather than judgement.
- If your friends are judging you negatively for being a virgin, consider the fact that they might not be the best friends to have in your life. You want friends that will be supportive and helpful rather than judgmental.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Avoiding Peer Pressure

1
Stay true to your values. Whatever your values are regarding sexual activity, be true to those values. If you have made a decision to stay abstinent until marriage, stick to that.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.} Or, if you’ve just decided you want to wait until the time is right, then you should hold true to that.
- Don’t let your friends be the reason you let go of something you have always believed in.
2
Have sex only when you are truly ready. Even if you aren’t a virgin by choice, don’t have sex just to “get it over with” or to catch up with your friends. You should still wait until you meet the right person, and do it only when it feels comfortable, right, and safe.^{[5]
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- You don’t want to have sex just to catch up with your friends and end up regretting it, or feeling emotionally negative about what you did. Your virginity is important, and so are you.
3
Remember that you are the only one who gets to decide. No matter what anyone says, losing your virginity is completely up to you. Remember that consent can be given and taken away at any point, and that your partners need to respect your choices.
- Also remember that all sex acts, even oral sex or kissing, require consent. Don’t ever let anyone pressure you into any sexual activity you aren’t willing to engage in, or that you don’t want to do.^{[6]
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4
Ask your friends not to talk about sex around you. If hearing about their sexual experiences makes you uncomfortable, change the subject when it comes up. Ask them politely not to talk about it while you’re around. Don’t be afraid to let your friends know that you aren’t really interested in talking about it.
- Find other things to talk about with your friends. You can redirect the conversation anywhere else, without even letting them know you are avoiding the topic of sex.
5
Talk to friends who are teasing you. If any of your friends are teasing you about being a virgin, talk to them about how their teasing is affecting you. Ask them to stop teasing you. ^{[7]
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- Try saying something like, “I would really appreciate it if you stopped teasing me about being a virgin. It really hurts my feelings, and makes me feel like you don’t value me as a friend.”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting Over the Social Stigma

1
Consider that some of your friends may be lying. It’s not uncommon for people to sometimes lie about having had sex, especially in high school and college. Since there is such a strange stigma that comes with virginity at these times, a lot of people will lie and say they have had sex, even if they haven’t.^{[8]
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- There are many, many people who are virgins into their twenties. It’s really not uncommon for people to remain virgins all through high school and college.
2
Avoid letting your virginity define you. Rather than constantly identifying yourself as a virgin, find your identity elsewhere. Don’t let your virginity be the central point of description for yourself. Remember that you have other qualities and other experiences to share with others, and that sexual history is only a small part of who you are.^{[9]
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3
Avoid basing your confidence on your sexual history. When it comes to dating, don’t feel like you need to have sexual experience to feel sexy or confident in new relationships. You can still feel sexy and confident while being a virgin.^{[10]
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- When it comes to dating and intimacy, don’t go into things thinking to yourself “I’m a virgin so I’m going to be terrible at physical intimacy.” Instead, think to yourself, “I’m attractive, confident, and sexy, and anyone would be fortunate to have me as a sexual partner.”

Expert Q&A

Question

Why do Christians save their virginity for marriage?

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Josh Spurlock is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and CEO of MyCounselor.Online. With more than 15 years of experience, he specializes in marriage counseling, family counseling, and sex therapy through a Christian counseling lens. Josh holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Languages, Literatures, and Linguistics and a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from Evangel University.

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Saving sex for marriage as a value has to do with the value that's placed on sex, and seeing it as a good, valuable, and precious thing to be shared with someone in the context of love and marriage.
Question

Why do Christians think sex is bad?

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Josh Spurlock is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and CEO of MyCounselor.Online. With more than 15 years of experience, he specializes in marriage counseling, family counseling, and sex therapy through a Christian counseling lens. Josh holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Languages, Literatures, and Linguistics and a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from Evangel University.

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Christians don't actually think that! Persons of Christian faith believe sex is a good, beautiful thing that's part of the human design.
Question

Is being a virgin OK?

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Josh Spurlock is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and CEO of MyCounselor.Online. With more than 15 years of experience, he specializes in marriage counseling, family counseling, and sex therapy through a Christian counseling lens. Josh holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Languages, Literatures, and Linguistics and a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from Evangel University.

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Absolutely! It should really say something about the other person if someone can't respect your values and decision to stay a virgin.