How to Convince Your Spouse to Help Around the House

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: October 30, 2021 References

If you’re a tidy person, living with a messy spouse can make you want to tear your hair out. Constantly dealing with unwashed dishes and undone laundry can make you feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. Worse, you might start resenting your spouse, which can damage your relationship over time. Luckily, there are ways to improve the situation, though your spouse might never become a neat freak. You can get your spouse to help you out around the house more by talking about the issue with them, creating an action plan, and building good housework habits together.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Talking About the Issue

1
Discuss your expectations. Talk with your spouse about what “a clean house” means to both of you. Tell them what level of cleanliness you need to feel comfortable, and ask them for their perspective on the issue.^{[1]
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- Some people naturally have a higher tolerance for messiness than others. A cluttered table that drives you crazy might not even seem like a mess to your spouse.
- Keep your tone calm and neutral, even if you’re feeling annoyed with your spouse’s habits. They won’t want to cooperate with you if they feel attacked.
2
Tell your spouse why you need more help. Let your spouse know why you’ve been having a hard time taking care of the housework by yourself. Be honest about your feelings, but don’t accuse them of being lazy or not caring about you.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- You could say something like, “Between working late, driving the kids to soccer practice, and making dinner every night, I’ve been pretty stressed lately. It would really help me feel supported if you helped with a few more things.”
- Point out the ways helping will benefit your spouse. For example, say, “You know I’m less grouchy when I’m not stressed, and if you help me out, we’ll have more free time in the evenings.”
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3
Offer an incentive. While you don't want to come off as bribing your spouse, they may need more incentive to help out around the house more. Think of ways to motivate your spouse by "rewarding" them for their help.
- Consider offering them a weekend off after a full-month of doing household chores, a new TV with the money you save from not having to hire a cleaner, or an intimate evening together once a week.
- Research shows that when both spouses participate in household duties, their sex life improves. Tell your spouse that you get really turned on when you see them pitching in. Just be sure to actually follow through if you're using intimacy as an incentive. And, never withhold sex simply because your spouse isn't pitching in.^{[3]
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4
Be willing to compromise. Work with your spouse to come up with a standard of cleanliness you can both live with. Don’t push your spouse to adopt your idea of a perfectly clean house. Instead, focus on improving your current situation.^{[4]
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- For example, you could agree that the den can stay messy as long as the living room gets cleaned more often.
5
Practice tough love. If your spouse is lazy or stubborn about helping out around the house, you may have to play dirty for a time. Tough love should only be reserved in extreme cases when you have tried everything else. This consists of cutting back or completely stopping the chores you generally do so your spouse learns to feel your pain.^{[5]
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- For instance, if you have asked your spouse to help out with folding the laundry and they refuse, you might stop washing the clothes. Make sure that the children have the items they need, and then suspend the laundry duties.
- If your spouse points out the issue, you might say, "Since I couldn't get any help folding the laundry, I had to slow down on all the washing until I have time to do everything. If you're willing to help me fold, I'll be happy to wash a load."
6
See a marriage therapist.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} If your spouse refuses to budge about helping out or refuses to talk to your about the problem, there may be a bigger issue at hand. If you have tried and failed to convince your spouse to help out around the house, it may benefit you to see a marriage counselor.
- Such a professional has experience working through marital conflicts. He or she can help you better communicate your needs and get to the bottom of your spouse's stubbornness.
- Look up marriage and family therapists in your area on reputable sites like the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.^{[7]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Making a Plan

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List important household tasks. Sit down with your spouse and write down all the areas of the house that need cleaning and who does which chores. Then, look it over with your spouse. It's likely that they do some chores you didn't even realize they did. It's also possible that they don't realize how much you do around the house. Seeing the list can give both of you some perspective.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
2
Assign chores. Using your list, work with your spouse to divide up chores in a way that seems fair to both of you. Take your other responsibilities and your individual preferences into account during this process.^{[9]
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- For instance, if your spouse likes to cook, it might make sense for them to take over the kitchen duties.
3
Create a schedule. Agree on specific times when you’ll get your housework done. Don’t just plan to do it whenever you’re free or feel like it. Instead, commit to a schedule so that you’re both accountable for your work.^{[10]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Establishing Good Habits

1
Teach your spouse how to do chores they’re not familiar with. Don’t assume your spouse knows how to load the dishwasher or choose the right setting on the washer. Instead, show them how you do it, and let them practice under your guidance before taking over on their own.^{[11]
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2
Avoid picking up the slack if your spouse doesn’t do their part. If your spouse doesn’t uphold their end of your cleaning agreement, don’t do their chores for them. That will only send the message that they can get out of doing housework by “forgetting.”^{[12]
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- Once your spouse is inconvenienced by their own lack of effort, such as not having any clean clothes, they will probably become more motivated to help out.
3
Make chores as simple as possible. Your spouse will be more likely to lend a hand if cleaning and putting things where they belong is easy. Streamline any chores that are unnecessarily difficult to do, and make sure putting items away is convenient.
- For instance, if your spouse leaves their clothes on the floor, put a laundry hamper in your room instead of nagging them to bring their laundry downstairs.
4
Let your spouse see you working. Your spouse may not have an accurate idea of how much work it takes to keep your house clean. Motivate them to pitch in more by doing household chores when they’re around or telling them about all the tasks you accomplished earlier in the day.^{[13]
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5
Keep your expectations realistic. Don’t criticize your spouse’s efforts around the house, especially while they’re still learning. They may never do chores exactly to your liking, especially if you have very high standards for cleanliness. Instead, focus on appreciating their help.^{[14]
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- If you really want a particular task done a certain way, it’s probably best to do it yourself.
6
Reward yourself and your spouse for getting things done. Not everyone is motivated by the prospect of having a clean house alone. If your spouse needs some extra incentive to do housework, plan rewards to keep both of you on track.^{[15]
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- For example, you could plan a nice meal or a fun evening out if you both keep up with your chores all week.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I get my husband to help around the house without nagging?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Make a chore inventory together and write down who's currently doing each chore. Likely, you both may not realize how much the other does on a daily basis. Seeing the list will give you both some perspective, and hopefully it will show your husband where he needs to put more effort in.