How to Choose a Life Partner

Co-authored by Lauren Urban, LCSW

Last Updated: July 28, 2022 References Approved

Relationship Priorities

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Compatibility

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Relationship Tips

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Matchmaking Tips

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Video

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

Choosing the person (or type of person) you want to spend the rest of your life with is really empowering and exciting. To make the right choice, you want to listen to your heart and also use your head. Being in love with someone is super important of course, but you also want to consider some practical things too since you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with this person. Don’t worry—we’ve put together some tips to help you figure out what type of person is really right for you.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Relationship Priorities

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Decide what kind of lifestyle you want to have. This decision is a major one, but, luckily, it's usually quite clear how your partner wants to live once you begin spending serious amounts of time with him or her. You and your partner should have compatible ideas about how you want to spend your free time, how you want to interact with your friends, and the types of material comforts you want to pursue. While you don't have to like all of the same things your partner does, you shouldn't disagree about things that require major decisions or commitments.
- For example, a couple wherein one partner likes watching pro wrestling on Monday nights and one partner likes watching nature documentaries at the same time will probably be able to make things work (especially if they agree to buy a DVR). On the other hand, if one partner wants to buy a house and the other doesn't or one partner wants to be a "swinger" and the other doesn't, these are major roadblocks to long-term happiness.
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Decide where you want to live. Sometimes, location is key to a couple's happiness. People often want to live near friends or relatives that they're very close to or live in places where certain types of activities are possible. If both partners can't be satisfied living in the same place, this can (at the very least) make it necessary to spend lots of time traveling.

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3
Decide whether or not you want kids. This decision is hugely important — perhaps the most important decision you'll make with your partner. In spite of this, a surprising number of couples fail to discuss this sufficiently before trying to commit to a lifelong relationship. Raising a child can be the most rewarding thing you ever do, but it's also an enormous responsibility, a huge financial commitment, and a decision to spend at least about 18 years or so (possibly more) directly responsible for the care of your child, so it's not something to be treated lightly.
- In the U.S., most people want children,^{[1]
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  Research source} but this is by no means universal, so don't make assumptions about your partner until you know for sure.
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Decide how important your culture and religion are to you. Many people's cultural or religious traditions are a huge part of their life — others are agnostic or atheist and have little in the way of non-mainstream culture or tradition. Both lifestyles are equally valid, but, for some partners, someone at the opposite end of the spectrum may not be a viable long-term choice. Before you commit to someone, it's important to have an honest idea about whether or not it's important for your partner to be like you in this aspect of life.
- To be clear, people from different races, religions, and cultures are perfectly capable of having happy life-long relationships. For instance, in the U.S., interracial couples are more common today than ever before.^{[2]
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  Research source}
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Decide how you want to spend your money. Money can be an awkward subject to talk about, but it's something that it's important for two life partners to be on the same page about. Money can play an important role in the way a couple's life plays out — it can determine how long the members of the couple work for, the sorts of jobs they'll take, the lifestyle they'll be able to live, and much more. Having a frank talk about the ways you plan to save and spend money as a couple is essential for anyone considering a life-long relationship.
- As an example of the sorts of financial decisions couples have to make, consider this: in a couple where one partner wants to spend his late 20s and early 30s taking lots of trips and exploring the world and the other partner wants to spend this time building a successful career and saving to buy a house, both partners may not be able to get their way.
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Decide how you want your partner to fit into your family (and vice versa). Our families shape the way we think and act throughout our lives. Having a clear picture of how you want your partner to fit into your family is a must for anyone thinking of spending his or her life with someone else. You'll want to know both what role you want your partner to play in your immediate family (i.e., you and any kids you have) as well as what role your partner to play in your extended family (i.e., your parents, siblings, cousins, etc.). Conversely, your partner should also have this figured out for you.
- For example, for some couples with children, it's very important for one parent to be a full-time caretaker. For others, it's OK if a nanny fills the gaps. Similarly, some people may want to live near their parents and visit frequently, while others may want more independence.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Compatibility

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Ask lots of questions in the early phases of a relationship. As you meet and begin to date a new person, talk to them about themselves. Ask them about what they like in a partner, what their life goals are, and what their long-term plans are. Your partner's ethics, interests, spiritual outlook, and even diet may be important to your long-term compatibility, so don't be afraid to ask about any of it!
- You'll need to consider questions in all areas of lifestyle choices. For instance, do you two have the same attitude about money? Do they have any issues from their past that may pop up? Will they be supportive and understanding if you wish to change or advance your career?
- To be clear, these types of questions aren't necessarily things you should ask at your first date. Asking very personal questions early on can be a major turn-off that can sabotage your efforts to start a relationship with someone. However, these types of major lifestyle questions are probably things that you'll want to know the answer to within, say, the first six months of your relationship.
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Draw on your experiences from past relationships. If you're having trouble determining what you want in a partner or what you want out of life, think back to relationships you've already been in. The choices you make in your relationships, conscious or unconscious, can help clue you in to the sorts of things you're looking for in a partner and even the sorts of things that you may need to work on to make a long-term partnership work. Below are just a few of the types of questions you may want to consider for your past relationships:
- What did you like about your partner?
- What did you enjoy doing the most with your partner?
- What did you disagree with your partner about?
- What did you criticize your partner for?
- What did your partner criticize you for?
- Why did the relationship end?
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Define your life’s goals. Two people who are spending their lives with each other need to be on the same page for almost all of life's major decisions (if not every single one). Having a disagreement about a major, non-negotiable aspect of your life can stop a relationship in its tracks even when two people get along perfectly otherwise. Be open and honest about these goals — trying to lie to yourself can lead to long-term resentment and isn't fair to your partner. For more discussion on this topic, see the "Priorities" section below. Below are just a few very important questions that you'll want to know the answers to before you choose your life partner:
- Do I want to have children?
- Where do I want to live?
- Do I want to work or manage the home (or both?)
- Do I want my relationship to be an exclusive one?
- What do I want to accomplish before I die?
- What kind of lifestyle do I want to have?
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Have an accurate view of yourself. The journey to finding a life partner starts with you! To know who will be best for you, you've got to know exactly who you are. Know what you like, what you don't like, what you're good at, and what you're bad at. Know what you want out of life and what you want from your partner. Be realistic and honest with yourself. If you're having a hard time examining yourself, try asking your closest friends to help you.
- Most important of all, love yourself, flaws and all. You can't expect someone to love you if you can't love yourself. If you try to have a lifelong relationship when you have a negative self-image, you're likely to self-sabotage and hurt the people closest to you, so sort this important first step out before you continue.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Relationship Tips

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Let go of expectations. When you're trying to maintain a relationship, don't expect the other person to be someone they are not. While it's possible for the members of a couple to compromise on a variety of important issues and even change minor aspects of themselves for their partner, at their cores, most people are the same person for the long haul. Avoid having any sorts of illusions about your partner or assigning them qualities that they lack. Similarly, don't expect a partner to change a major part of who they are to appease you.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
- For example, it's OK to ask your partner (politely, of course) to start taking the garbage out sometimes — this is a reasonable place to look for compromise. However, it's not OK to expect your partner to suddenly decide to want kids if they don't already — this is a deeply personal decision that can't reasonably be undone.
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Be honest about who you are. Just as you shouldn't try to conceal or change any major part of your partner, it's important to do the same yourself. When dating, it may be tempting to appease someone you like by manipulating the truth about your past or present situation. However, this not only leads to personal guilt, but also poses the risk of problems down the road. When the other person inevitably learns the truth, the level of trust in the relationship can seriously suffer.^{[4]
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Research source}
- For example, while it's perfectly OK to dress a little fancier than you normally would for your first few dates, you wouldn't want to pretend that you're agnostic when you actually are quite religious just to make your date happy. Misleading your partner about yourself — either by lying or omitting information about yourself — is an act of deception that, for many people, can be difficult to recover from.
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Spend lots of time with a potential partner. What's the best way to find out if you can spend long amounts of time with someone else? Try to do it! To know if a relationship will work in the long-term, it's very important to spend lots of time in the other person's company (ideally in a wide range of environments). If you can stand to be around someone for days, weeks, or months at a time, you may have a keeper.
- You'll probably also want to see if this person gets along with the people who are close to you (and vice versa). Bring your partner to your social engagements and introduce them to your friends and family. If your partner gets along well with these people, you have one less thing to worry about.
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Take your time. You're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, so there's no reason to rush into things. Give your relationship the chance to grow organically. Don't stick to an arbitrary schedule for progressing through major relationship events like "going steady", moving in together, and getting married. If you rush into these decisions, you run the risk of finding yourself in situations you aren't prepared for with someone who may or may not be on the same page as you in terms of life priorities.
- You'll definitely want to avoid becoming intimately involved with a potential partner until you get to know the person. While it's certainly possible to turn a casual relationship into something more serious, sexual intimacy shouldn't be the foundation for long-term happiness. Though sexual attraction and compatibility are key to a good long-term relationship, waiting allows you to gain a better understanding of whether you are compatible.
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Take note of how you act around your partner. If you find yourself acting "fake", pretending to feel differently than you actually do, or laughing at things you don't think are funny, this might be a sign that you're not truly comfortable around this person. If, however, you are relaxed and feel completely natural in the person's presence, you are on the right track. It's important to be able to be completely genuine around your partner. Eventually, everyone runs out of the energy to keep "faking it" — you don't want this to happen to you five years into a marriage.
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Be willing to make sacrifices. No relationship is perfect. There will be times when you may have to sacrifice your own needs for the sake of your partner. It's up to you to decide exactly how far you're willing to go in terms of sacrifices — most good relationships involve a healthy give-and-take of sacrifices from both partners.
- When it comes to making sacrifices for the good of your relationship, small things, like minor personal habits and behaviors, should be on the table. However, major life goals usually shouldn't be, as a serious disagreement about one of these can be a sign that two people are incompatible. For example, deciding to go out drinking with your friends less often is a reasonable sacrifice to make if you have a spouse and children. On the other hand, deciding not to have children when you desperately want them isn't something you should put yourself through.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Matchmaking Tips

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Be proactive. There's someone out there for just about everyone — all you need to do is go find this person. If you don't make any effort to meet new people, try new things, or even leave the house, the odds that you'll find the person who's right for you can be seriously slim. So, if you're looking to find your life partner, start by getting up and getting out! Try to spend at least some of your free time attending fun social events, getting to know new people, and just getting out into the world around you in general.
- Most dating "experts" will recommend a proactive approach to dating. Some even rank it as high as your career in terms of the effort you should spend on it!
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Meet people doing what you love. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to spend every Friday night in a loud, crowded, overpriced nightclub to meet potential dating partners, nor do you have to be an immaculately-dressed, debonair, Hollywood type. While these sorts of approaches work well for some people, most people will have the greatest success finding partners by simply exploring activities that they love. By doing this, you're likely run into people with similar interests and outlooks as you, naturally leading to compatibility.
- Even solitary hobbies can lead to opportunities to meet people! Love reading comic books and playing video games? Attend a convention! Love painting? Host an exhibition! Like writing? Attend a writer's workshop! There are exciting activities for almost every interest out there, so start searching!
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Be yourself. You're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, so isn't it reasonable to assume that both you and your potential life partner should be completely open about who you are? In fact, many people are unwilling to completely "open up" until they've gotten to know someone intimately. If you can stomach the idea, try to be completely true to yourself from the very get-go through all the stages of a relationship: asking someone out, going on your first few dates, getting to know each other more closely, committing to each other, and beyond! By doing this, you give your partner the chance to fall in love with the real you, rather than forcing them to "hold on" until you're comfortable being yourself.
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Don’t be afraid. The path to finding your life partner can seem like a perilous one. It can seem like there's almost no hope you'll find someone who's right for you, especially if you've recently had to deal with romantic setbacks. No matter what you do, don't ever give up hope or give in to the fear that you won't find someone. People all over the world struggle with the same sorts of romantic difficulties that you may be going through right now. Everyone periodically has personal setbacks. There's no single "right way" to find your life partner, so don't judge yourself against other people or couples. Don't let negative thoughts derail your quest to find a life partner. Confidence, fearlessness, and persistence are key to finding the right person for you!
- As an added bonus, confidence is generally considered quite sexy!^{[5]
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  Research source} Fearless confidence is a self-reinforcing trait that makes you much more attractive to potential partners: the more confidently you approach dating situations, the more relaxed you'll be during them, the better time you'll have, and the more confident you'll be when you approach the next situation.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do I choose an ideal life partner?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Couples Counselor
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Couples Counselor

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Identify what your core values are and look for a partner with similar values. It's best not to think about it like treasure hunt where there's a single "ideal" partner out there for you. It's also important to not put a ton of pressure on a partner to be everything you need at all times. People are dynamic, and it takes space and time to grow as a couple.