How to Break Up and Live Together

Last Updated: October 6, 2021

Breakups are hard enough, but when you live together and can't move out right away, it can take a little work to make sure things go smoothly. Fortunately, our guide has plenty of tips on how to set boundaries and keep the peace while you figure out what to do next.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Establishing Ground Rules

1
Have a talk right away about the logistics of living together. You do not want to waste any time. It's important to establish boundaries quickly.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Jeremy Bartz, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 8 January 2021.} Without ground rules, resentment for your ex can build up quickly. It may be hard to have a calm, diplomatic conversation after a breakup, but this is vital in the wake of a breakup.^{[2]
X
Research source}^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Think about basic responsibilities and interactions, such as household chores and social interactions. Will you still do each other's dishes on occasion? Who sleeps on the bed and who sleeps on the couch? If a mutual friend has a get-together, can you both go? These are questions to ask in the aftermath of a breakup.
- It's a good idea to mutually agree to stay out of one another's personal life. If you're living together, this can be difficult. However, you can set a general rule that you no longer get to ask where the other person is going or who they're seeing.
- Until you've both moved out, check in regularly. See how the other person is feeling and whether you need to adjust any boundaries and expectations.
2
Make a decision about moving out. Usually, one person will eventually move out. It can be tricky to decide who will make the move. Sit down and have a conversation about who's staying and who's going, as well as financial obligations.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Will the party who moves out still be expected to pay half the rent? It's usually not appropriate to leave the other person hanging financially. Make sure any lingering debts, like utility payments, are taken care of before someone moves out.
- If you need a new roommate, you should both agree to find one together. No one should walk away from the lease and leave the other party fully responsible for the extra finances.
- It's a good idea to get everything in writing. You want to make sure you come to a clear mutual understanding.
Advertisement
3
Try to maintain mutual respect. There are a lot of emotions involved in a breakup. You may experience feelings of anger or resentment for your partner.
- Even if it's hard, do not lash out at your ex. You do not want to create a hostile home environment. Strive to remain calm, even when you're feeling strong emotions.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jeremy Bartz, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 8 January 2021.}
- Keep things cordial between the two of you. You do not have to be best friends in the aftermath of a breakup. In fact, it may be difficult to do so. However, at the very least strive for basic manners.
4
Be respectful if you begin dating. Depending on how long you live together, one or both of you may start dating. This can create an awkward situation. In the event you do begin dating someone while living with your ex, make sure to set respectful boundaries.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- It's a good idea not to bring dates home. These situations will likely be uncomfortable for your ex and your date. You should both establish a ground rule that you will not bring dates to the house or apartment you share.
- If you are dating someone else, let your ex know. It's a bad idea to hide a new relationship when you're living together. Say something polite like, "I just wanted to let you know, I'm seeing someone. I won't bring him into our home, but I thought you would want to hear it from me and not someone else."
- You should also respect the person you're dating. If you meet someone you would like to become involved with, be completely honest with them about your situation. It may be a good idea to wait until your lease is up to start dating.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Gaining Adequate Space

1
Find another source of emotional support. If you were living with your ex, you probably relied on them for a lot of emotional support. You likely told your ex about your day, asked them for input when you were stressed, and generally shared most things. It's unhealthy to continue this level of closeness after a breakup, even if you want to eventually be friends. Look for other sources of support so you will resist the temptation of leaning too heavily on your ex.
- Talk to close friends and family members instead. If you have a bad day at work, for example, call your best friend on the commute home. This way, you'll have gotten everything out of your system before you get home. You'll be less likely to vent to your ex.
2
See if you can stay elsewhere certain nights. Space is vital after a breakup, and it can be difficult to obtain if you're living together. On certain nights, see if you can stay somewhere else. This will help both of you gain some space.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- If you will only be living together for a short period after your breakup, consider staying with a friend until your ex moves out. It probably will not be too taxing for a friend to have a house guest for a week or so.
- If you'll be living together longer, you may want to stay at different friends places a few nights each week. You and your ex could also talk about taking turns staying elsewhere. You and your ex could each agree to stay at a friend's place two nights a week, for example.
3
Spend time outside your home. If you really want this to work, stay away from the house or apartment. It can be uncomfortable to relax in a place that contains memories. Actively work on getting out of the house on a regular basis.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- You can get out by going to the gym, the library, going for a walk, or just doing anything to get out of the house. The gym can be particularly helpful, as exercise can help you regulate your emotions.
- Try to make plans with friends. Good friends will understand why you may need to get out a lot.
4
Keep different schedules. If possible, try to work opposite hours. If your ex works days, you can work evenings, for example. It is possible to live together but rarely see one another.
- If different work schedules are not possible, think of other ways to have different schedules. You could, for example, agree to go out with friends different nights of the week. You could also agree to do things like grocery shopping and running errands on different days and times.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Regulating Your Emotions

1
Practice gratitude. It can be hard to regulate your emotions during any breakup, but it may be particularly difficult if you see your ex every day. Once a week, remind yourself what you have to be grateful for. This can help alleviate stress and increase feelings of happiness.
- Make a list once a week of everything you're grateful for: friends, family, your career, your passions. This can help you put things in perspective. Breakups are difficult, but romantic relationships are not the only route to happiness.
- Do not try to do this more than once a week. A daily gratitude list can feel overwhelming. It may be difficult to think of something every day, which can fuel negative feelings.
2
Keep up with daily self care. This is very important. Breakups can cause feelings of sadness, leading to you neglecting your personal care. It's important to keep up with the basics of hygiene, healthy eating, sleep, and exercise.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Sleep can be particularly difficult if you're sleeping on, say, a couch. See if you can find a cheap inflatable mattress or futon after a breakup. This may make sleep easier.
3
Stay social. You should not withdraw completely during a breakup. It's important you have support from those around you. Try to make plans with sympathetic friends who will listen to you vent. In addition to helping you regulate your emotions, this gives you an opportunity to get out of the house. This can provide necessary space from your ex.^{[10]
X
Research source}
4
Take it easy for awhile. It's okay to let go of certain hobbies and extra obligations during a breakup. It's important to give yourself time to grieve and think. You may be inclined to overwork, but this is often a way to avoid emotions. You should confront your feelings instead of burying them in work.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Cut back on extra obligations. Skip a few meetings for organizations you work with, for example. Say no to doing favors for friends.
- Make time for self-care, hobbies, and time with friends instead of loading your schedule with extra work.
5
Be careful next time you move in with someone. Strive to learn something from this experience. In the future, make wiser decisions when you decide to move in with a partner.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- Do not move in just due to finances or convenience. This can result in you pushing yourself into a situation prematurely.
- Wait until the honeymoon phase of a relationship ends before moving in. Strive to date for at least a year or two before cohabitation.