When your friend experiences gender dysphoria, you might not understand exactly what they’re going through if you’re a cisgender person. That’s totally okay—you can still support them, and you can take steps to educate yourself about their experience as you go. Gender dysphoria refers to a feeling of distress when a person’s gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth.[1] Not all trans or nonbinary people experience gender dysphoria, but if your friend is struggling, you can make a positive difference in their life.

Here are 11 ways you can be a good ally to a friend who is experiencing gender dysphoria.

2

Tell your friend you support them and accept who they are.

  1. Providing love and acceptance is a research-backed way to support LGBTQ+ people.[2] Let your friend know you appreciate them and like spending time with them. Tell them why you like them and what their friendship means to you. In particular, make sure you let them know you care when they come out to you or are going through an emotional struggle.[3]
    • “I’m here for you. I care about you, and I’ll support you no matter what.”
    • “I feel like you’re always there for me. You’re so kind and funny, and your friendship makes my life better every day. I want you to know I’m here for you, too.”
3

Correct yourself quickly if you misgender your friend.

4

Keep your friend’s gender identity or dysphoria private.

  1. Unless they tell you otherwise, don’t “out” your friend. Keep your friend safe and comfortable by letting them choose when to reveal their gender identity to other people. Ask if there are cases where your friend doesn’t want you to use the correct pronouns, since your friend may not be openly trans/non-binary in some places. By giving your friend time to come out on their own, you let them experience the freedom to be or find who they are, on their own terms.[5]
    • If you’re not sure who they’ve come out to, ask them: “I want to make sure I’m using the correct pronouns, but I also want to respect your privacy. Have you come out to the rest of our friends?”
    • If someone speculates or asks about your friend, say: “I don’t like to speak for them. You can ask them directly if you’re curious about their gender.”
5

Listen to your friend and affirm their feelings.

  1. Learn more about your friend’s experiences through active listening. Pay attention to what they’re saying, and let them know you hear them. If you're cisgender (meaning you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth), you might not be an expert on the issues your friend is facing, but you can validate how they feel. Always be ready to listen to them talk about their struggles and triumphs in discovering which gender identity feels right.[6] [7]
    • “I hear what you’re saying, and that sounds exciting/tough/amazing/scary.”
    • You can use brief verbal responses like “mm-hmm,” “I see,” “okay.”
    • If you’re not sure how to respond, ask, “Can you tell me more about that?” or “How can I best support you?”
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6

Introduce yourself with your pronouns to support your friend.

  1. Say your pronouns to make that a normal part of greetings. Your friend might feel uncomfortable introducing themselves with their pronouns if no one else is doing it. When you give your own pronouns, it can both help your friend feel less isolated and model appropriate behavior for others. Add your pronouns after you introduce yourself, or you can even add pronouns to your social media profile, email signature, or video call meeting nametag.[8]
    • “Hi, I’m Zoe and I use she/her pronouns.”
    • “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Karl and I use he/him pronouns.”
    • “Hey, my name’s Denver and I use they/them pronouns.”
7

Use gender-inclusive language when you greet groups.

  1. Pick words like “people,” “friends,” or “folks.” Change the way you greet others to make sure your friend feels included, and make gender-inclusive greetings a habit whether your friend is present or not. Referring to your friends or coworkers with gendered terms like “girls,” “boys,” “dudes,” “bros,” or “ladies” might make your friend with dysphoria feel uncomfortable.[9]
    • “Hi all, how are you doing?”
    • “Hey, friends. Can we get going?”
    • “Athletes/teammates, let’s huddle up.”
    • You can never tell someone’s gender identity from looking at them, so you might unknowingly make another person feel more comfortable when you opt for gender-inclusive language.
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8

Stand up for your friend when they're put in tough situations.

  1. Ask the offending person to change their behavior or to leave. If the person is unintentionally using the wrong pronouns, let them know politely that they’re incorrect.[10] If the person is openly harassing your friend, ask them to leave, and report their behavior if it poses a threat to your friend’s safety. Stepping in for your friend is one of the best ways you can support their health and wellbeing.[11]
    • “Actually, his name is Nick, and he uses he/him pronouns.”
    • “Please leave. We’re not interested in talking to you.”
    • Ask your friend before you intervene on their behalf. Your friend may not want you to speak for them.
    • Ensure your intervention won’t escalate a conflict into violence or make your friend more uncomfortable/unsafe.

Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How do you help someone with gender dysphoria?
    Marissa Floro, PhD
    Marissa Floro, PhD
    Gender Diversity Specialist
    Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.
    Marissa Floro, PhD
    Gender Diversity Specialist
    Expert Answer
    It's not necessarily your job to go out of your way and solve your friend's gender dysphoria for them. Just listen to them, treat them like you'd treat anyone else, and offer a hand when they need one. It can be kind of overwhelming for someone with gender dysphoria to feel like people are stepping on eggshells or trying to treat them like they're injured, or require saving. Just be a good friend!
  • Question
    Is it okay to ask someone with gender dysphoria what it feels like?
    Marissa Floro, PhD
    Marissa Floro, PhD
    Gender Diversity Specialist
    Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.
    Marissa Floro, PhD
    Gender Diversity Specialist
    Expert Answer
    If you're friends with this person and you have that kind of open, communicative relationship, it's probably okay. I wouldn't urge you to do this, though. It can be really tiring for someone with gender dysphoria to constantly explain what they're going through over and over again. Try doing your own research and educate yourself. This way, you won't be pushing your friend to do all of this labor for you.
  • Question
    How can I provide long-distance support for my trans friend struggling with dysphoria?
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    Staff Answer
    This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    Staff Answer
    Keep up regular communication with your friend and check in about their wellbeing. Let them know that you're still there for them via text message, video chat, or phone call if they ever need someone to talk to! Continue to educate yourself about trans issues and offer to share resources you find with your friend.
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Warnings

  • Avoid gendered compliments, which can often come off as backhanded and hurtful. For instance, the comment “You look so pretty. You look like a real woman,” can be incredibly offensive.[16]
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  • Avoid drawing attention to your friend's trans status in public, unless they ask you to.[17]
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
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About This Article

Marissa Floro, PhD
Co-authored by:
Gender Diversity Specialist
This article was co-authored by Marissa Floro, PhD and by wikiHow staff writer, Kira Jan. Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures. This article has been viewed 104,028 times.
14 votes - 69%
Co-authors: 46
Updated: November 28, 2022
Views: 104,028
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