How to Be a Good Big Sibling

Co-authored by William Gardner, PsyD

Last Updated: September 17, 2021

Being a good big brother or sister can make a big difference to your sibling. Though parents can act as good role models, the relationship between siblings is also a key aspect of developing into a responsible and successful person in the world.^{[1]
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Research source} You can be a good big brother or sister to your sibling by supporting your sibling, doing kind things for them, and setting a good example for them to look up to and follow.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Supporting Your Sibling

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Be a good listener. Perhaps the easiest and most direct way of being a good big brother or big sister is taking the time to ask your sibling how their day went and listening to what they have to say. Try to pull your sibling aside once a day and have a brief conversation with them especially if they are an adolescent or in their early teen years. Often, younger siblings want to be acknowledged and listened to by those they look up to. ^{[2]
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- Practice active listening in your conversations with your sibling, whether it's a brief check in talk with them or a heart to heart. Treat the conversation as a learning opportunity, where you get to know your sibling better and have a meaningful discussion.
- Focus your attention fully on your sibling and let them speak without interruption. Acknowledge what they told you and respond thoughtfully and without judgement. This will keep the conversation open and encourage them to confide in you more often.
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Resolve conflicts in a mature and honest way. Though siblings tend to squabble and have small fights, you should make an effort to avoid having big, dramatic arguments with your sibling. This may mean being the bigger person and letting your sibling have the victory for a trivial fight. You should also try to offer your sibling a compromise, where you get a little bit of what you want and they get a little bit of what they want. This will help them to feel supported and respected by you, but it will also help them learn that they cannot always get their way.^{[3]
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- If you're unable to resolve a conflict on your own, ask an authority figure for guidance, such as an older friend, an older family member, or parent. This will show your sibling that you're not afraid to ask for help when you need it.^{[4]
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Comfort your sibling when they confronts a challenge or fails. Your sibling will likely experience a range of trials and tribulations, and they may confront a difficult challenge of some kind or even fail in their attempt to do something great. Rather than shame your sibling for their failure or make them feel bad about messing up, you should comfort them and support them. ^{[5]
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- Comfort your sibling by telling them to keep their head high and be proud, even if they didn't get what they wanted or if they failed. Remind them that they"ll have other opportunities to do better.
- Another way to comfort your sibling it to distract them from their failure by taking them out to their favorite restaurant or to their favorite hang out spot. Sometimes, distraction can help to cheer someone up and make them dwell less on their failure.
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Respect your sibling's boundaries and their autonomy. Teaching your sibling about boundaries and autonomy, or their ability to be their own person separate of others, can show them how to respect others and themself. You should respect your sibling's body autonomy by not tickling them, picking at them, or touching their body without their consent. You should also respect their mental boundaries by not trying to enforce your opinions or ideas on them, and by not trying to control their thoughts.^{[6]
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- Don't force them to grow up too fast or do adult things when they are still a kid or a teenager. Let them experience life as a young person, even if it means making mistakes or dealing with conflict. Be there as a support for them as they try to figure it out on their own.
- If they want to do adult things with you, like go for dinner together, you can certainly do this. But don't try to force them into doing adult things if they doesn't seem interested or engaged in them.
EXPERT TIP

William Gardner, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
William Gardner, Psy.D. is a Clinical Psychologist in private practice located in San Francisco, CA’s financial district. With over 10 years of clinical experience, Dr. Gardner provides individually tailored psychotherapy for adults using cognitive behavioral techniques, to reduce symptoms and improve overall functioning. Dr. Gardner earned his PsyD from Stanford University in 2009, specializing in evidence-based practices. He then completed a post-doc fellowship at Kaiser Permanente.

William Gardner, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Our Expert Agrees: As alike as you two may be, your sibling is a whole different person from you. They have their own likes and dislikes, interests, and hobbies. While you might like chocolate ice cream and playing baseball, your sibling might like strawberry and learning piano. Let them have their own life and be supportive of whatever they do!
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Give your sibling advice based on your own personal experience. You can also support your sibling by offering them advice when they ask for it. Avoid giving advice when they do not ask you for it as this can feel pushy or forceful. Only give advice when your sibling asks for it and only after you have listened to what they has to say. Rather than give your sibling general or vague advice, you should consider your own personal experiences and how you managed to resolve or deal with a certain issue. This will show that you have empathy for your sibling and want to support them in an honest way.^{[7]
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- For example, if your sibling admits that they're struggling with balancing their academics and extracurricular activities, you may tell them how you created a weekly schedule and blocked off time for each thing you had to do each day.
- If your sibling asks you for romantic advice, and if you have experience in this area, encourage them to talk about their feelings and the situation. Offer advice on how to have a healthy, responsible romantic relationship with someone.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Doing Kind Things for Your Sibling

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Help with homework and other responsibilities. One of the kinder things you can do for your sibling is offer to help them with their homework and their other school work. If they have an oral presentation coming up, offer to listen to their presentation. If they are struggling with their math assignment, sit down with them and help them work through the assignment. Focus on practical ways to help your sibling succeed by offering your knowledge of particular subject or simply a helping hand so a project gets done on time.^{[8]
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- You can also offer to help them complete their chores around the house or split them with them if they are working on a tight deadline for school.
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Attend your sibling's events or shows. Maybe your sibling has a performance coming up or a big sporting event. Make an effort to be in the audience and cheer them on from the stands. Attending their special events will be a nice thing you can do for them as a way to show your support as their big brother or big sister.^{[9]
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Stand up for them in awkward situations. As the older brother or older sister, you should watch out for younger sibling and stand up for them if they get into any awkward or sticky situations. This may be confronting the school bully if they start to pick on your sibling or mediating a fight between your sibling and your parents. Try to stay on your sibling's side and work with them to resolve any problems or issues with others. Having your sibling's back will show them that you are willing to be there for them and support them.
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Encourage your sibling to pursue their interests and goals. A good big brother or sister will act as their sibling's champion and encourage their sibling to be the best they can be. Take notice of your sibling's abilities and talents, and then actively work to help them develop and improve them.^{[10]
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- For example, if your sibling shows an interest in painting, encourage them to take art classes or to set up a painting studio at home.
- Alternatively, if your sibling wants to go to an Ivy League school, help them achieve this goal by helping them with college applications and drafting a personal statement.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Being a Good Role Model for Your Sibling

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Do well in school and at home. Be a good role model for your sibling by doing well in your studies and following through on your commitments at home. Your sibling will likely take notice if you are diligent about doing well in school and are also able to keep up with your responsibilities at home, such as sports practice or household chores. Working hard on your own needs and responsibilities will allow you to also be a good mentor to your sibling, as you will have enough of a grip on your own life to support your sibling.
- Don't be afraid to fail in front of your sibling. Your sibling may respect you more if you show them you are human. It will also make you seem more relatable and honest.
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Maintain a healthy social life. Another way you can be a good role model for your sibling is to try to maintain an active and healthy social life. Being able to connect with a group of friends can set a good example for your sibling and show them how to be social around others.
- If your sibling is struggling to make friends and connect with others, ask them to hang out with your friends for a night. This will help them feel included and allow them to learn how to be social by following your example.
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Demonstrate respect for your parents and your elders. Be respectful when your parents speak to you and be polite when you are around other elders, such as your teachers or your friends' parents. Maintaining a good relationship with the elders in your life, from your parents to your teachers to your mentors, will help you develop into a good role model. It will also demonstrate the importance of respect for your elders to your sibling.
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Apologize and acknowledge when you are wrong. A good role model is willing to admit when they are wrong and make a sincere apology for their mistake. If you make a mistake, you should be ready to apologize and acknowledge your misstep. Do this in front of your sibling to show them the value of an apology and the importance of being humble and honest, even when you are wrong. This will allow your sibling to understand that it is okay to make mistakes and that it is essential to acknowledge them so you can move past them.^{[11]
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