9 Strategies to Deal Diplomatically with Difficult Family Members

Co-authored by Lauren Urban, LCSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 28, 2022 References

Since you can’t choose your family members, there’s bound to be a couple of them who know how to push your buttons. Fortunately, there are a few tips and tricks you can use to remain diplomatic, even during a difficult conversation. Keep reading to learn how you can stay calm, cool, and collected while talking with difficult family members.

1

Stay calm, even if your relatives are getting excited.

If you feel yourself getting worked up, take a breather. Try not to let your emotions take over, even though it might be tough. Take some deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth as you count to 10.^{[1]
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- The calmer you are, the more you’ll be able to handle a difficult family member who is trying to get you worked up.
- If you can’t stay calm, it might be time to leave the situation. Step outside or into the other room to gather your thoughts and collect yourself.

2

Be assertive about your wants and needs.

Stay confident and forceful about what you’re communicating. You don’t have to be mean or raise your voice, but don’t let anyone talk over you or belittle you. Make it clear that you’re here to be heard, not walked all over.^{[2]
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- Although it can feel tough to hold your ground with family (especially with relatives who are older than you), it’s a super important aspect of feeling like your voice is being heard.
- Try saying something like, “I’m only here to talk about Grandpa’s will, and I don’t want to discuss anything else right now. If you have any questions, please wait until I’m done talking.”

3

Set clear boundaries.

Don’t let people yell or talk down to you. If anyone pushes it, say something like, “I’m not going to let you talk to me that way. Please lower your voice.” If they continue to push your boundaries, it may be best to drop the conversation and try again another day.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}^{[4]
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- You could also say something like, “I want to have a conversation with you, but I can’t do that if you keep talking to me like that.”
- Other boundaries you might want to set include a timeframe for communication (“Only call me during the daytime, not at night when I’m trying to sleep”) or how long you’re going to stay in town for (“I only took 1 week off of work, and I can’t stay any longer”).

4

Stick to neutral topics.

Politics and religion tend to get people worked up. If your family members bring anything like that up, try not to engage. Instead, change the subject to something neutral that won’t start heated arguments, such as the weather, sports, or non-controversial current events.^{[5]
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- If one of your relatives keeps pushing to talk about something you’re uncomfortable with, try saying, “That’s not what I’m here to talk about today,” and move on.

5

Let the other person be right.

Even if you don’t agree, there are some things you can let go. Rather than arguing about everything your family says, try to pick your battles, and let your family members feel like they’ve “won” sometimes. You don’t have to do this all the time (and don’t do it for important stuff), but if it doesn’t really matter, just let it go.^{[6]
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- For instance, your family member might try to debate you about politics. If you two have opposing views, it’s probably not worth getting into. Let them feel like they’re right so you can move onto more productive topics of conversation.
- Say something like, “Okay, I hear what you’re saying. I don’t want to debate with you right now. Let’s move on.”

6

Focus on the things you can control.

You can control your own reactions to other people. While you’ll never be able to control what someone else does, you can change the way you react for the better. Keep reminding yourself of that fact, especially when the situations get tough.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}^{[8]
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- For instance, if a family member insults you, you don’t have to react by yelling at them. Instead, you can stay calm and simply change the subject or leave the situation all together.
- Or, if a family member tries to invade your privacy, you can react by setting clear boundaries. Don’t give in just because it might be easier or because you want to placate someone.

7

Try not to take things personally.

Difficult family members are not your fault. Although it’s easy to take on that burden, try to remember that the problem is with them, not with you. If you can separate their actions from yourself, you’ll be more able to shrug things off.^{[9]
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- Oftentimes, a person is a collection of their childhood trauma. Try to look at it that way—your family member isn’t being nasty because there’s something wrong with your life, they’re being nasty because there is (or was) something wrong with theirs.

8

Don’t try to change a difficult person.

You don’t have to like them, but you can’t change them, either. A difficult person won’t take criticism well, and unfortunately, you might just make the problem worse. Try to accept your family members for who they are, even if you have a tough time getting along with them.^{[10]
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- Try to remember the term “radical acceptance.” It’s accepting something that you know you can’t change, even though you don’t like it or agree with it.

9

Practice self-care.

Family issues can really take a toll on you. Make sure you’re eating, drinking, and sleeping enough so you feel well-rested and healthy. Take some time to do something relaxing like soaking in the bath or reading a good book to lower your overall stress levels. Don’t let your mental and physical health fall by the wayside as you deal with your family.^{[11]
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- If you feel guilty about taking care of your own needs, try saying “It’s not selfish to take care of myself.”
- It can also help to talk to someone supportive, like a trusted family member, a minister, or a therapist.^{[12]
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  Expert Source
  
  Lauren Urban, LCSW
  Licensed Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}