How to Ask a Girl Out if She Is Already Dating

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta

Last Updated: November 19, 2021 References

It happens all of the time: you meet a girl who is perfect for you, only to find out that she already has a partner. The situation may seem hopeless, but there are ways to approach the situation tactfully. Assess the situation, talk to her, and be respectful to get a date.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Assessing the Situation

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Talk to her about her relationship. If you are brave, ask her directly.^{[1]
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Research source} She may suspect your motives if you ask her directly, so don’t choose this option if you want to keep your intentions a secret. Ask her casually: “Hey, I was wondering, do you have a partner? I was just curious.”
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Ask her how serious the relationship is. If you’ve already felt comfortable enough to ask her if she’s dating, go ahead and ask her how serious the relationship is. If it’s serious, it might be harder to ask her out, but if it’s just a fling, she may still be interested in seeing you. Ask: “Is it a really serious relationship, or more casual?” Once again, she may know immediately where the conversation is going if you ask her specifically, so be careful.

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Ask her how happy she is. Be direct, but careful. Say: “How is your relationship with your partner? Are you happy?” Be very cautious talking to her about this: she may become defensive or be offended that you’re asking about her private life. Her reaction will depend entirely on her personality, so gauge her answers from previous questions to see if she’ll respond well to really personal questions like this. If she seems uncomfortable being questioned, ask her friends or find some other way.
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Use indirect clues. Asking directly may be a little dangerous, because she may be offended if you ask her about her relationship. Personal questions may make her uncomfortable, and she may know exactly where you're going with your line of questions.^{[2]
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- Ask indirect questions. By asking her “What are you up to tonight?” Or “What do you like to do for fun?”, she may mention her partner offhand and save you the trouble of having to ask directly.
- Look for signs of flirting. While some girls are naturally flirty whether they're single or not, but if she seems into you, chances are higher that she's single. See how much you can flirt back. If she responds positively, she's probably single.
- See what she shops for. If you're lucky enough to meet a girl in a store instead of at school or work, you may be able to get some clues from her shopping. Look for family size food items, items obviously for men, or baby products.
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Ask her friends if she’s in a relationship. Her friends will know a lot about her relationship and be able to help you out. While her friends may tell her that you’ve asked about her relationship, you’re more likely to be able to keep your intentions secret this way.
- Ask her friends how serious the relationship is. Her friends will be able to give you a more impartial answer than she might. Friends see a relationship from the outside, so they may be able to give more valuable information about where her relationship with her partner is going, and what kind of dating patterns she has.
- Ask her friends if she’s happy. Asking her friends about her happiness may be better than asking her directly, because they’re likely to be less offended and have more impartial information on her relationship. They may spend a lot of time with her and her significant other, and they might see or hear about small fights or disagreements.
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Check her social media profiles. While this method might make you feel a bit like you’re snooping, it is the easiest way to find out her relationship status without tipping your hand. Facebook profiles have a specific section for relationship status, while Instagram posts and Tweets might give you an idea about whether she’s single or not. Don’t get too discouraged by pictures of her with other people though. They may be old partners or other close friends.^{[3]
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- See if she seems happy. Social media probably won’t be able to tell you how serious a relationship is, but it may give you important information about how happy her relationship is. Check her pages to see if she posts about fights or disagreements with her partner. Be very careful to only use these as a gauge, not evidence. Don’t talk to her about specific posts that you saw, because she may think that you are snooping through her posts.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Talking to Her

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Talk about relationships. Before you get too direct and ask her out, float a conversation about relationships in general. Start the conversation with normal small talk about her day or how she's doing, but then ask how her relationship is going. Relationships are a normal subject of conversation, so she shouldn't be too suspicious if you keep it light and friendly. Use this talk about relationships to bridge towards asking her out.^{[4]
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Ask her out. If you find that she’s in a relationship but it’s either not serious or not very happy, try to be bold and ask her out. This method takes some guts, because you have no idea how she’ll react, or what the outcome will be like, but it’s worth it because she may say yes.^{[5]
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- Say: “Hey, I know that you’re in a relationship, but I get the feeling that it’s not serious/not going well. Would you want to go on a date with me? I promise not to make any moves or disrespect your relationship. I just want to get to know you better." This method places emphasis on the quality of her relationship, and hints to her that you may be better for her.
- For another angle, try saying: “I know this is really forward, and I know that you’re seeing someone already. But would you like to go on a date with me? I think you’re great.” This choice leaves out everything about the quality or seriousness of her relationship, and simply lets her know that you’re interested in her regardless of her relationship status.
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Acknowledge her relationship. Make sure not to be too disparaging towards her partner. Not only will this be questioning her taste in people, but if she has feelings for them, you could seriously offend her. Tell her that you know that she has a partner, and that you don't want to get in the way if it's serious, but that you'd like to get to know her better.
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Try giving her your number. Instead of asking her out, try writing down your number and giving it to her. This makes your intentions pretty clear, but saves you the trouble of trying to find the perfect way to ask her out. You'll only have to pass her the number and tell her to call you sometime. She may get in touch with you when things get rocky with her other half, or she may start texting or talking to you immediately to get to know you.
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Let her bring it up. Sometimes, you may not have to make the first move. If you start talking to a girl that you know has a significant other, she may still flirt with you or make it clear that she’s interested in you. In this case, let her bring up a date. Ask her: “Are you busy after school?” Or “When do you get off work?” These questions are open ended and allow her to propose a time for you to meet up and get to know each other.^{[6]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Being Respectful

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Be respectful if her partner learns you've asked her out. It's likely they'll be upset that you're trying to take their girlfriend, so prepare to apologize if necessary. If she decides to go out with you, they'll be even more upset. Try to avoid them, but if they come to talk to you, apologize to them and explain that you have no intention of breaking up with her.
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Decide what to do if you’ve been “friend zoned”. Girls often like having male friends, so you need to make sure that you don’t end up more of a friend in her eyes than a potential lover. If you spend time with her and she doesn’t break up with her partner, chances are, she sees you as a friend and doesn’t want to date you. She may enjoy spending time with you, but that doesn’t mean that she is attracted to you.^{[7]
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- One signal of the friendzone is a lot of talk about feelings. If she starts contacting you frequently to talk about her feelings, or if she uses you as a sounding board to complain about her significant other, she most likely sees you as a friend.
- Listen to how she talks about you. If she talks to her friends about you, but consistently mentions that you’re “just a friend,” or “just a good guy”, chances are, she is not interested in dating you.
- See if she still flirts with you. If she flirts with you and seems genuinely interested, you may have a chance. But as time goes on and she flirts with you less and less without breaking it off with her boyfriend, you are most likely in the “friend zone”.
- Break things off with her. If you are still interested in dating her but she sees you as a friend, break off the friendship. You will only get hurt if you end up as a third wheel. She can’t help who she is attracted to, and if only sees you as a friend, she’s unlikely to change her mind.
- Stay friends with her. If you decide that you value her friendship more than a potential romantic relationship, it is okay to stay friends with her. It’s completely possible to have strong, healthy relationships with people of the opposite gender, but you’ll have to get comfortable with the fact that things will be just platonic.
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Don’t enable her to cheat on her partner. If the girl really likes you, but is in a serious relationship, she may be tempted to cheat on her partner with you. Be clear with her that you won’t do anything with her unless she breaks it off with her current partner.
- If she cheats on her partner with you, this is a red flag that she could cheat on you if you ever end up together. Many people who cheat on their partners do so compulsively, and it may be impossible to trust them.
- Don’t become a “side guy”. If her current relationship isn’t serious, but she still doesn’t want to break it off, you face the danger of being strung along. She may call you often or spend romantic time with you, but this will only lead to you getting hurt. She will most likely never commit to you or leave her relationship: she’ll just use you instead.
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Let her go if it's not working. If you’re really attracted to a girl, you may be tempted to ask her out a few times even if she’s got someone else. However, you need to be realistic about your chances of success. If she continually reminds you that she has a partner, or says no to offers for dates, you’ll only make her frustrated as time goes on. Remember that there are “more fish in the sea” and move on to other girls if things don’t develop.

EXPERT TIP

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of experience, she focuses on helping singles date more intentionally, encouraging them to let go of negative patterns so that they can attract the love that they deserve. Her experience, skills, and insights have led to thousands of successfully united over 65,000 singles through events and one-on-one matchmaking coaching sessions. She has been the host of The Dating and Relationship Show on Global News Radio 640 Toronto (AM640) for 6 years and is known as The Hookup Queen of Clubhouse; her popular singles club, Single in the City, has over 95.5K members who regularly join in weekly dating and relationship-focused rooms.

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Our Expert Agrees: If it turns out that the person you like is already with another person, you might feel bad, but don't be discouraged. Instead, focus on other things, like a hobby or work, and open yourself up to the idea of meeting someone new.

Warnings

Don’t be too hard on yourself. If she says no, you may feel depressed or inadequate. Work on the areas where you feel you are lacking, but don’t beat yourself up.

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Do not confront her partner. Starting fights or causing issues with her current partner may seem like an “alpha male” way to impress the girl, but it can end up poorly. Physical fights and aggression can get you hurt or even arrested and can make the girl dislike you.

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Never get involved with a married woman. A dating relationship can easily be ended, but a marriage cannot. You can do serious damage to people’s lives when cheating with a married person, especially if there are children involved.

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Do not get too attached. Getting too attached to a girl often ends with feelings being hurt, especially if you don’t know her that well. She may decide not to date you, and if you’re too attached, you may end up with a broken heart.

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