How to Ask a Girl Out When You Have Been Friends for Years

Co-authored by JT Tran

Last Updated: December 5, 2022 References

Asking a girl out on a date is extremely nerve-racking for most people, and it can be even more difficult when you’ve been friends with her for a long time. The trick is getting your friend to think of you in a different light before you ask her out, because if she just thinks of you as a friend, she may not be receptive to dating you. But once you take a few steps to create a romantic interest, your friend may start having more intimate feelings about you and be more likely to say yes to a date.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Determining if She’s Interested

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Look for signs of romantic interest. It can be very difficult to tell if someone is interested in you, especially when it’s a friend that you already have feelings for. However, there are a few signs you can look for that might indicate that your friend feels the same way. Some signs of romantic interest might include that she:^{[1]
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- Finds reasons to run into you when you don’t have plans to hang out
- Likes to bring up inside jokes or memories you two share
- Follows and likes a lot of what you do and say on social media
2
Watch her body language. Body language can say a lot about how people feel, including whether your friend is interested in you the same way you are in her. Body language to watch for that suggests romantic interest includes:^{[2]
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- She might expose her wrists. It's a sign of submission females use to attract males. If she is not wearing long sleeves, it may just be exposing the underside of her wrists by turning one upwards, possibly while holding a wine glass or smoking a cigarette.
- She might try to close distances between you, such as by sitting beside or across from you, passing you things often, or even edging her drink closer toward you
- Touching her neck and looking at you
- Playing with the rim of her glass when you're having dinner or drinks
- Making frequent eye contact with you, even if she looks away after locking eyes
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3
Find out if she's dating anyone. Asking a friend on a date can be risky, and you want to make sure the timing is right before you commit. You should be sure she isn't already seeing someone else, otherwise you might put yourself, her, and your friendship in an awkward position.
- To find out if she's dating anyone, try to bring it up casually. Try saying something like, “Have you met anyone interesting on Tinder lately,” or, “So did things ever work out with that guy you were seeing a while back.”
- If you're not comfortable asking her yourself, you can always ask mutual friends if she's seeing anyone.
4
Ask her how she feels. One of the simplest and most effective ways to find out if your friend feels the same way that you do is to ask her. It may seem forward, but you will end up with a much more accurate answer than if you try to figure it out on your own. If you're not sure what to say, try:
- “Have you ever thought about us as more than friends?”
- “If we were to go on a date, where would you take me?”
- “Do you think about us when we aren't together?”
- “Do you have feelings for me beyond friendship?”

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Turning a Friendship Into a Romance

1
Accentuate the features she finds attractive. When you’ve been friends with a girl for a long time, you'll likely have a good idea of the qualities and characteristics she typically finds attractive in a person. If you have any of these qualities, emphasize them when you spend time with her.^{[3]
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- For example, if your friend finds humor to be an attractive quality and thinks you're funny, tell even more jokes when she's around.
- Similarly, if there are particular physical characteristics that your friend likes, wear clothes that emphasize that part of your body when you're together.
- While it’s good to accentuate qualities that you already have, it’s important that you don’t pretend to have certain qualities just to impress your friend. She will likely see through your ruse, and if she doesn’t, you'll be stuck pretending to be someone you aren't.
2
Flirt with her. Flirting is a great and subtle way to suggest that you're interested and to arouse new feelings in your friend. This is important because you have to get her to see you as a possible love interest, rather than just a friend. There are a number of ways you can flirt with her, including:^{[4]
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- Orient your body to face her when you two are talking, and lean in slightly when you're engaged in conversation.
- Sit closer to her than you normally do when you're together.
- Make frequent eye contact with her, and allow your gaze to linger.
- Laugh often around her and smile at her frequently
3
Treat her like a love interest. One major thing that will have to change in order for your friend to see you as a love interest is that you'll have to start treating her like one. This includes:
- Complimenting and flattering her
- Paying for meals and drinks now and then
- Giving her your undivided attention
- Not talking about other women that you're attracted to
- Picking her up and driving her home sometimes
4
Initiate more physical contact. One of the biggest things that may change between you and your friend if you start dating is the amount of physical contact you share. Start with a subtle touch, like brushing your hand against hers. Then, pay attention to whether she seems comfortable with that. If she does, you might escalate things by:^{[5]
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Expert Source

JT Tran
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
- Touching her arm or hand more often
- Touching her back or shoulders
- Grazing her foot with yours
- Resting your hand on her leg briefly^{[6]
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5
Go on date-like outings. This means engaging in activities that you would normally reserve for someone you were dating. You can do this without actually asking your friend out yet. Instead, when you're planning time together, suggest date-type outings and events.^{[7]
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- Having dinner at a romantic restaurant
- Going dancing
- Seeing a movie together
- Cooking for her at your house

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Asking Her Out

1
Be prepared for the consequences. Friendships can be delicate, and unrequited romantic feelings can cause awkwardness. Asking out a friend can change the friendship, change group dynamics with mutual friends, and can even end the friendship.
- Be aware that asking your friend out might strain the relationship, and you may not see each other for a while.
- Once you ask your friend out, she may not feel comfortable being friends with you anymore.
- Even if you want to keep it private, your mutual friends might find out as well, and relationships with them could also become strained.^{[8]
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2
Pick the right time. While you might ask a stranger out on a date in front of other friends, the dynamic is different when it’s someone you're already friends with. When you're planning to ask her, make sure that she's in a place where she's comfortable, you're alone together, and you can both leave separately, if you need to.^{[9]
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- If you've been platonic friends for a while, the girl may not see you as a romantic figure. To help change that, try asking her out in a setting that she's not used to seeing you in. For instance, you might throw a house party where you invite all your coolest friends, so she'll have a chance to see you in a different light.^{[10]
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  JT Tran
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
3
Don’t make a confession. Avoid approaching the subject like you have a secret you want to tell her, and don’t start by saying you’ve had feelings for her for a while. Instead, ask your friend out just like you would if she were any other crush.^{[11]
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4
Be confident. No matter how nervous you are, on the outside you should try to act like this is any other meeting between you two. Remember, dating should be fun, so try to pump yourself up to feel excited, rather than nervous.^{[12]
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Expert Source

JT Tran
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.} Act as though you know she's going to say yes, and when you ask her out:
- Be direct
- Look her in the eyes when you ask, not at the ground
- Try not to be too nervous, and avoid fidgeting
- Stand or sit up straight
- Keep your chin up
5
Ask her on a date. While you should broach the topic of the date with your friend like you would anyone else, you might want to make the proposition a little more special. Since you know her and know what she likes, customize the date for her.^{[13]
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Research source} Be sure to include a specific time and date. To ask her out, say something like:
- “I know you’ve been dying to try that new restaurant, and I want to take you there at 8 p.m. this Saturday, just you and me. What do you say, is it a date?”
- “You keep talking about that adventure. Let’s go on a date this Sunday at noon and I’ll take you.”
6
Be clear about what you want. When you’ve been friends with someone for a long time, asking her to hang out with you could seem like any other platonic get-together. Make sure you say that you want to go on a date with her, and be clear that the date is romantic, so there won't be any confusion about your intentions.^{[14]
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Expert Source

JT Tran
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
- Do not use the term “hang out,” or she may think you mean any old get-together.
- Make sure you use the word “date” when you ask her out.
- Be sure to mention it will just be the two of you.
- If she asks you something like, “You mean you want to go on a date,” answer with a confident “yes.”
7
Explain how important your friendship is. Often times, people don’t want to date friends because they cherish the friendship and worry about how a date or break-up could change things. Reassure your friend that the friendship is important to you too, and that you don’t want to lose her, but want to take the relationship to a deeper level.^{[15]
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Research source} You can say something like:
- “Your friendship means more to me than a romantic relationship, and I don’t want to risk that, but still want to ask you out”
- “I want to be friends with you no matter what, even if you aren't interested”
- “I still want to be friends, but am also curious about what we’d be like on a date together.”
8
Play it cool if she says no. The situation will only be awkward if you allow it to be, so you must go in to this prepared for her to say no. Continue on with your friendship as you normally would.^{[16]
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- Be patient as well. It’s entirely possible that she said no because your question caught her off guard. After having some time to think about it, she may realize she actually does have feelings for you.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I tell my close friend I want to date her?

JT Tran
Dating Coach
JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.

JT Tran

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

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Don't flood her with your emotions, because that can be overwhelming, especially if she's just used to seeing you as a friend. Instead, try putting yourself in a setting where you'll seem more like a romantic figure. For instance, you might throw a houseparty where you surround yourself with your cool friends and beautiful women. Then, she may be more likely to see you in a different light.