How to Ask Your Girlfriend's Parents For Their Daughter's Hand in Marriage

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: October 8, 2020 References

Today, asking your girlfriend’s parents for her hand in marriage is uncommon. However, certain families might expect you to ask before proposing marriage. Before asking your girlfriend’s parents for her hand in marriage, make sure she is ready to marry. You should also ensure she won’t be insulted by you asking her parents for permission.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Feeling It Out With Your Girlfriend

1
Find out about what her parents value. Before you decide to ask your girlfriend's parents for their daughter's hand in marriage, consider what you know about them and if this is something that they will expect or even appreciate. This is an old tradition that some parents might see as essential, while others might not expect at all.
- If you are unsure about whether or not your girlfriend's parents will appreciate this gesture, then try asking your girlfriend what she thinks. You could say something like, "Are your parents pretty traditional when it comes to marriage?" or "How did your parents get engaged?"
- Conduct research into your her parents’ values if necessary. For instance, if your girlfriend’s parents are from India, you might need to investigate Indian marriage traditions to figure out whether or not asking a girl’s parents for her hand in marriage is a standard part of the marriage process. Use internet search engines and your local library to discover more about the specific cultural norms of your girlfriend’s parents.
2
Talk to your girlfriend about marriage.^{[1]
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Research source} Ask your girlfriend if she’d like to get married. This is different than proposing to your girlfriend. Inquire generally what she imagines in your shared future. Ask, for instance, “Where do you see us in three to five years?” If she brings up marriage, you can safely proceed with the process of asking for her hand from her parents.
- If she does not immediately mention marriage, ask her specifically if she’d ever like to get married to you. For instance, you might ask, “Do you think we would be happy if we were married?” If she says yes, go forward with the process of asking her parents for her hand in marriage. If she is uninterested in marriage or unsure if she wants to marry you, don’t pressure her into it.
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3
Evaluate when the best time for you to get married is. Is now a good time for you two to get married? Are there any reasons you shouldn't? Think about it through your girlfriend's parents' eyes: would they want their daughter marrying you? If you have only known one another for a week, you may want to hold off on proposing marriage.
- It is wise to date someone for at least two to three years before deciding to marry.^{[2]
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  Research source}
- Think about your and your girlfriend’s financial situation. Not only will the actual wedding be very expensive (the average wedding costs over $26,000), but other things like wedding rings and the honeymoon can quickly sink your financial ship. While you will probably not get married immediately after being granted your girlfriend’s hand in marriage, you should have enough cash to cover everything when the marriage occurs (usually six to twelve months after proposing to her).
4
Know the answer ahead of time.^{[3]
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Research source} When you’re ready to ask your girlfriend’s parents for her hand in marriage, you should already have some sense of what they think of you and your relationship with their daughter. Do they look favorably upon the relationship, or are they skeptical of it? Ask your girlfriend from time to time what they think of you. Ask her to be specific.
- Does her father-in-law, for instance, have only mild reservations which would be leveled at any suitor? In this case, you can feel confident about receiving approval. On the other hand, does he have concrete, specific concerns about your ability to provide or remain committed to your girlfriend? In this case, wait until you’ve secured the trust of your girlfriend’s parents before asking them for her hand in marriage.
- While it might seem like cheating, going into the situation with the answer a foregone conclusion is in fact the best way to ensure you don’t waste your time or that of your girlfriend’s parents.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Planning the Request

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Identify why you’re going to ask your girlfriend’s parents for her hand in marriage.^{[4]
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Research source} Before going forward with the process -- which can be difficult under some circumstances -- you should know the consequences of a “yes” or “no” answer from you girlfriend’s parents. There are two conditions under which you’d ask for your girlfriend’s parents to marry:
- You might be asking for permission to marry. In other words, if your girlfriend’s parents say no to the marriage, she will obey their wishes and reject any marriage offer from you.
- You might be asking for your girlfriend’s parents approval. This is distinct from the request for permission. Asking for approval of the marriage means that they support the marriage of you and your girlfriend. If denied, your girlfriend may or may not accept a marriage proposal. Even if she remains open to the possibility of marriage, you might not want to go forward with the process. If you do end up getting married, prepare for some awkward family get-togethers at the very least.
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Meet your girlfriend’s parents before asking.^{[5]
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Research source} You should be comfortable around your girlfriend’s parents before asking them for permission to marry. They, likewise, will feel more comfortable granting approval to the marriage if you are not meeting them for the first time when asking their permission to marry their daughter.
- If you have not had the opportunity to meet your girlfriend’s parents before deciding to ask them for her hand in marriage, wait until after you have to ask for their permission to marry.
3
Arrange a meeting with her parents.^{[6]
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Research source} When presenting them with news that their daughter might get married, it is important to meet them face-to-face. This demonstrates that you take seriously the notion of marriage and the proposal process. Ask them to meet you for a brief afternoon outing.
- If they ask why you want to get together, then you could say something like, "I have something important that I want to talk to you about."
- Do not call your girlfriend’s parents on the phone to express your intentions for marriage or ask them for permission over the phone, unless you have no other option. Asking in person is the best option.
- Do not send an email or a letter asking her parents to grant permission to marry.
4
Choose the location in which to meet her parents.^{[7]
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Research source} You could choose to sit down with your girlfriend’s parents at their home, or you might choose to have a nice meal with them. Think about what her parents are like. Would they like to go to a simple eatery? A fine restaurant? Would they want to have a conversation about at the bowling alley or on the golf green?
- If your girlfriend’s parents live far away, finding the right location to meet them can be difficult. In fact, however, the apparent challenge distance presents is actually an opportunity. Traveling a great distance with the specific intention of acquiring their approval for your marriage proposal signals to them that you are fully committed to marrying their daughter and will go to great lengths to do so.
- In the case of parents who live a distance away, you could also consider timing the question with a family visit you and you girlfriend make together. In this case, just take your girlfriend’s parents aside privately before leaving them.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Talking to Your Girlfriend’s Parents

1
Plan what you're going to say. Asking your girlfriend’s parents for her hand in marriage can be nerve-wracking. If you are very nervous or afraid that you’ll forget what you want to say to her parents, it would be helpful to memorize and practice the speech beforehand. If you want a more natural conversation, or feel comfortable asking for your girlfriend’s hand in marriage, don’t prepare a speech. Whatever you do, try not to overthink it.
- If you prepare a speech, practice reading it to a close friend.^{[8]
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  Research source} Solicit feedback to help you figure out how to best phrase what you want to say.
2
Consult your girlfriend’s primary parent.^{[9]
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Research source} If your girlfriend was raised by both parents, you should sit down with both of them. In the case of divorced parents, however, consult only your girlfriend’s primary parent. For instance, if your girlfriend grew up with her mom and rarely or never saw her father, do not feel obligated to ask him for his daughter’s hand in marriage. After her mother has agreed to the marriage, inform her father that you’ve asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage.
3
Begin by expressing how you feel for their daughter.^{[10]
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Research source} Be honest and sincere when offering your feelings. For instance, you might say, “She’s a wonderful woman who inspires me to be the best person I can be. She makes me laugh and always understands what I’m thinking.”
- Think about why you love your girlfriend when crafting your explanation.
- Don’t exaggerate or say vague things like, “She’s perfect,” or “We never have any problems.” Conclude by informing them that they’ve raised a wonderful daughter.
4
Explain why you want to marry their daughter.^{[11]
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Research source} You have, in part, already done this by describing all the good qualities you see in their daughter. But in order to justify marriage, you have to express your undying commitment to their daughter. Tell them that you want to spend your life with her.
- Say, “I pledge my whole heart to your daughter and will do everything in my power to provide for her the best life I can.” Then take a deep breath and ask directly, “I would like your approval to marry (your girlfriend’s name).”
- Do not say, "I would like to marry your daughter.” A comedic parent might ruin the solemnity of the moment by asking “Which one?” if they have multiple daughters.
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Prepare to answer questions.^{[12]
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Research source} After they’ve granted permission for the marriage, your future parents-in-law will have some obvious questions for you. They will likely want to know when you intend to pop the question on your girlfriend, and when you plan on having the wedding. They might have more practical concerns, too, like where you intend to live together or what your job will be (if you expect to change it). Listen carefully to what they have to say and don’t be afraid to say that you don’t have those answers yet. Don’t make up answers in order to appear as if you have everything all planned out when you don’t.

Warnings

Don’t be too nervous. Show confidence. Some parents might be annoyed by a suitor who does not demonstrate courage in the face of a challenging situation.

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