How to Ask Your Ex for Help

Understand what requests are reasonable and what requests are not. If in doubt you should ask an unbiased third party before you may a request of your former spouse.

• Asking an ex to take a look at repair project is one thing. Asking your ex to house sit while you and your new boy/girlfriend go away for the weekend may be cruel.

Be sensitive that feelings and pride may still be hurt following your split. Before you ask a favor ask yourself if the request could be insensitive in any way.^[1]

Avoid asking your ex for a favor that you would not ask from a very good friend. If you only ask favors when you absolutely need them and keep the favors reasonable and in good taste, you stand a better chance of getting help when you need it.

Asking for money may be contentious depending on the financial status of both parties and the terms of your divorce. An unexpected medical expense for a child is a reasonable financial request. Asking for money every week so you can buy jewelry is not reasonable for most people.

• If you must continually ask for money to feed your children it may be time to return to your attorney and seek help from the courts.

Try to give your ex as much notice as you can when asking for a favor. By giving them time to adjust their schedule, their budget or their mood you may have more success.

• If you're required to go out of town for work next month it is better to ask your ex to switch weekends now than the week of your trip.
• Dropping a financial bombshell on your ex may make them resentful. If you know your child needs dental work or new glasses, it's best to discuss it before hand with your ex and make a plan. Calling them the day of and asking for money could leave both of you upset.
• By asking for reasonable favors with a reasonable time frame you can keep your relationship more friendly. It also allows you some latitude should you ever have an emergency and really need their help.

Offer to return the favor and mean it, to pay them for gas, or do something nice for your ex when they do give you a helping hand. Make sure they know you appreciate their assistance and that they can also call you for help when they need it.

• If your ex helps you cut down and put up the Christmas tree you can offer to wrap his presents for him, bake cookies for him to take to work or send him home with a gift card to his favorite store.
• If your ex wife picks you up when your car dies you should send her some flowers or maybe a gift card to a salon.

Never ask for a favor and then act entitled to the service. Remember, you should treat them as a friend and not a servant.^[2]

Keep the lines of communication open. Don't just call them when you need something. This doesn't mean just calling to chat since that could be strange, but you should definitely remember birthdays and holidays and send a card.

Say "thank you". They didn't have to help you, but they did.

Stay with the plan. If they go through the trouble of helping you out be on time to meet them, don't constantly change the time or place and do what you can to make it easier on them. If the plans must change, give them as much notice as possible.

Know when to ask someone other than your ex. If your ex makes you feel guilty, helpless or makes your life difficult you should look elsewhere for help. Start networking with other parents, co-workers, etc.^[3] Get a good support system and only call your ex when you absolutely must.

Return the favor when your ex asks one of you. It may be inconvenient, but if you want to keep your ex in your support system you should return the favor whenever possible and reasonable.^[4]

Never use your ex. Your ex may still have feelings for you. Asking for help or using their feelings to your advantage is in poor taste. If necessary you should be very specific about your intentions and do not let them think it is part of a reconciliation.

Dividing the responsibilities of child raising is expected. You shouldn't feel that asking your ex to take on certain responsibilities is a favor but part of the team parenting approach.^[5]

• Keep the communications open and communicate often about plans, events, appointments and finances regarding the children.
• Do not confuse team parenting with walking all over your ex. If you do ask them to go out of their way for something that is your task you should consider it a favor and thank them appropriately.

Never assume. Speak with your ex and mutually agree. Never expect and never make plans for them before discussing it first.

Never use guilt to get your way. If they can't help you out, you should just move on to another option. Trying to make them feel guilty for not helping you can damage the friendly relationship. Just because you were a couple once doesn't mean they are required to help you.

Try not to hold a grudge if they can't help you. Be understanding. Offer to help them with a project and perhaps you can develop a post break-up relationship that will allow you both to call on each other for a helping hand from time to time. If you want your ex to be in your support system you should take some initiative and make the first steps.

Doing a favor for an ex when they ask is one thing. Try not to overstep your boundaries and participate too much, showing up unannounced or using it as an excuse to spend time around your ex. You should always call and make sure it's ok.