Why Am I So Heartbroken over My Daughter's Breakup?

Co-authored by Kim Chronister, PsyD and Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: May 2, 2022 References

Seeing your daughter go through a breakup can be a really painful experience. It's hard to see someone you love go through a difficult time, and it might even remind you of your own feelings of heartbreak in the past. If you're feeling sad about your daughter's breakup right now, know that it's completely understandable and normal. Keep reading to learn more about why you may be feeling this way and what you can do to move on (and help your daughter do the same).

Section 1 of 3:

Why am I feeling so sad about my daughter's breakup?

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It's painful to see your daughter feeling so sad. Watching someone you love experience heartbreak can be very painful. You might be so sad because it's hard to see your daughter in pain, and you might feel like there's nothing you can do to stop it. This feeling of powerlessness can make you feel heartbroken yourself.^{[1]
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- Try your best to be a source of love, positivity, and encouragement for your daughter. The more support your daughter receives, the sooner she will start to feel better about her situation.
- Seeing her thrive again will likely make you feel a whole lot better, too.
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You were close to your daughter's partner. Maybe your daughter and her partner were together for a long time. You likely formed your own bond with them over the years and grew attached to their presence. It's only natural that you would grieve their absence now that they won't be a part of your life anymore.^{[2]
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- This person may have been a great partner to your daughter. If that's the case, it's hard to accept that they didn't end up being a lifelong match. Remind yourself that there will be other people that will treat your daughter well.
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You envisioned a future involving the two of them together. Perhaps your daughter thought this person was "the one." As a result, you might have grown attached to the future you had envisioned for the two of them. It's completely understandable to be sad that this future might not happen anymore.^{[3]
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- You may have imagined the two of them coming along on family vacations, getting married, or even having children.
- Remind yourself that your daughter will have other opportunities to date and find the right person for her. The unknown may be a little scary, but your daughter will likely meet someone that's even more compatible with her in the future.
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You're going through other painful experiences in life. You might be sad about your daughter's breakup, but other life stressors might be influencing your feelings, too. Ask yourself if you're dealing with anything else in life right now, like depression, menopause symptoms, or grief over something else.^{[4]
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- If your daughter has already moved on and you're still feeling sad, you're likely dealing with other things in life in addition to your daughter's breakup.
- Other experiences that might be influencing your feelings include your own romantic hardships, losing a loved one, or feeling uncertain and anxious about the future.

Section 2 of 3:

What can I do to move on?

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Work through your feelings with a trusted friend or family member. Talking about your feelings about the breakup with your daughter might make her sad. Process your feelings in private by calling up a friend or family member instead. That way, you can vent while still respecting your daughter's space.^{[5]
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- If you don't feel comfortable talking about your feelings with another person, you might try journaling instead. Getting your emotions out on the page can help you gain a better understanding of what you're feeling and why.^{[6]
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Be a source of support for your daughter. Your daughter is probably going through a lot right now. Be there for her by talking to her on the phone or in person, listening to what she has to say, and encouraging her to remember everything she still has in life. Being there for her and seeing her move on will likely really help you do the same.^{[7]
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- Respect your daughter's decisions during this time. Avoid encouraging her to get back together with her ex, for example. Even if you liked them, it's best to support your daughter's personal choices.
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Be patient and give the situation some time. The initial shock of the breakup might have left you feeling very sad for your daughter. If the breakup was pretty recent, remind yourself that you will likely feel a lot better as time passes, and your daughter will, too. Even if it happened a few months ago, practice self-compassion and give yourself some time to grieve.^{[8]
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- You might say to yourself, "My daughter was seeing this person for many years. It's completely normal to be sad" or "This is a sad situation, but things will get better."
- Try your best to focus on other things in the meantime. Dedicate yourself to your job, your passions, and other life responsibilities as a distraction.
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Remember that this is ultimately your daughter's experience. It's completely understandable to feel sad, but it's still important to have boundaries. Try your best to focus on how your daughter is feeling and how you might be a source of support. It might be tough to hear, but it's important to avoid making this situation about you.^{[9]
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- Even if you miss your daughter's ex, avoid reaching out to them or defending them. If you feel that you must say goodbye or wish the ex well, ask your daughter for permission first and respect her answer (even if it's a no).
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Talk to a counselor or therapist if you're having trouble moving on. There's no shame in seeking help from a mental health professional if you're really struggling. The grieving process can be hard on anyone, especially if you're dealing with other external factors (like depression, menopause, or life stressors). Get a referral from your doctor or search online for a therapist or counselor in your area to get the tools you need to move on.^{[10]
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- Therapy or counseling can give you a safe space to talk through your feelings. It can also help you get to the bottom of why you may be feeling this way, as you might be struggling with a variety of things unrelated to your daughter's breakup.

Section 3 of 3:

How can I help my daughter move on from her breakup?

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Listen to her when she needs to vent about the breakup. Even the strongest people need to cry it out and talk about their feelings when a relationship ends. Be there for your daughter by answering the phone and giving her some space to work through her emotions with you. Talking through her feelings will likely help her process the breakup and move forward.^{[11]
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- If your daughter is really struggling, encourage her to talk to a therapist or counselor. Breakups are a huge loss, and can sometimes cause depression or anxiety. A mental health professional can be an additional source of support.^{[12]
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Ask before giving her advice. You may have a wealth of experience when it comes to processing breakups, but this is only helpful if your daughter is ready to hear about it. Be gentle when it comes to giving life advice and ask if she'd like to hear your perspective before sharing it. This can help the two of you avoid conflict during this difficult time.
- You might say, "I experienced something similar when I was your age. Can I share with you what helped me during that time?"
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Remind her that she has a whole exciting future ahead of her. Try to get her to see the positive in her situation. Breakups can often be catalysts for exciting changes, and this may be an opportunity for growth and self-improvement. Remind her that she's young and will have other opportunities to fall in love and date, even if it's difficult to see that now.^{[13]
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- Encourage her to follow her dreams and passions in life. Taking up a new hobby, learning a new skill, and going for her dream job can all be ways to focus her energy on herself and move on from her breakup.
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Give her words of encouragement to build up her self-esteem. A breakup can really take a toll on a person's self-confidence, especially if her partner ended the relationship or didn't treat her well. Remind your daughter of all of her positive qualities and talents. She'll appreciate your kind words, and it will help her start feeling better about herself once again.
- You might say, "You're beautiful, smart, and kind. If this person can't see that, you're better off without them" or "You only deserve the best in life. You're a wonderful person inside and out."
- Avoid spending too much time talking down on your daughter's ex. It's better to focus on building up her self-esteem. Tearing down the other person might not help your daughter feel good in the long run.
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Do fun things with her to take her mind off the breakup. Remind your daughter that it's still possible to have fun and enjoy life without this person. A fun distraction can be a perfect way to help your daughter remember the good things in life. It'll also encourage her to stop ruminating on the past if she's really struggling.^{[14]
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- You might take your daughter out to lunch, go shopping at her favorite stores, or go on an exciting day trip to a new place.
- If the breakup was very recent, your daughter might not feel motivated to do much. You might try cooking her a nice dinner or watching a movie with her at home.