What Should You Do When Your Boyfriend Is Irritated with You?

Co-authored by Susan Pazak, PhD and Janice Tieperman

Last Updated: April 27, 2022 References

Uh oh… looks like your BF is not super happy with you right now. What are you supposed to do when his cranky meter is dialed up to 11? Dealing with a bitter beau can be really tough, especially if you don’t know why he’s even irritated with you. Don’t worry, though—we’ve got you covered. Keep reading for plenty of light, friendly ideas for brightening his mood, along with helpful conversational tips if you’d rather address the elephant in the room.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Improving His Mood

1
Text him a cute or silly animal pic. Surf the web for some of the animal kingdom’s greatest hits, like a chipmunk stuffing its face with corn, a surprised giraffe, a pair of hamsters rocking out with mini microphones, or a cat majestically wedged inside a toilet bowl. If you’d rather play it safe, stick with a cute puppy or kitten picture and see how he reacts.^{[1]
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Research source} Here are a few silly options to get you started:^{[2]
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- A seal waving hello
- A squirrel sticking its head in a mailbox
- A bear walking on its hind legs
- A tiger licking the camera lens
2
Leave him a cute note. Keep things light-hearted with a quick, romantic message or brighten his day with a quick, romantic text paired with some tasteful emojis. He won’t be able to stay irritated if you send him something like:^{[3]
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- “You have no idea how much you mean to me.”
- “If nothing lasts forever, can I be your nothing?”
- “We make a great 🍐!”
- “A day without seeing you is un🐻able!”
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3
Pick up his favorite food. Think about your BF’s go-to meal, and pick it up for him as a surprise. This kind, tasty gesture should ease tensions quite a bit! If you’re feeling extra creative, you could even whip up a delicious snack or treat for the 2 of you to share.^{[4]
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- You can always use a third-party delivery app like DoorDash, UberEats, or GrubHub if you don’t feel like picking up the food yourself.
- If you're the cause of the irritation, replacing the undesired behavior with a more loving and caring act can help the situation.
4
Bake him something sweet. Before you see him next, whip up your BF a sweet treat that he’s sure to enjoy. It’ll be hard for him to stay annoyed when he’s staring down a delicious snack that you put lots of thought and care into making.^{[5]
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- If your beau is a chocoholic, bake him some chocolate cookies or chocolate chip muffins.
- If your boyfriend is a pretty early riser, give him some blueberry muffins or cinnamon rolls as a tasty breakfast alternative.
5
Schedule a movie night. Plan ahead for when you and your beau both have some free time. Then, grab some popcorn or his favorite snacks and settle in for a couple of hours in front of the TV.^{[6]
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Research source} Even if he’s grouchy with you, he won’t be able to resist his favorite flick!
6
Check off something on his to-do list.^{[7]
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Research source} Your boyfriend definitely won’t be as irritated if you go out of your way to make his life a little easier. Here are a few ideas that might help him out:
- Doing the dishes
- Tidying up the bathroom
- Making dinner
- Taking out the trash

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Addressing the Problem

1
Start the conversation by talking in a low, calm tone of voice. It’s completely valid to feel confused and upset about your beau’s bad mood, but raising your voice really won’t accomplish anything productive. Instead, focus on creating a calm, safe space to discuss his mood. Throughout the conversation, do your best to stay calm, cool, and respectful.^{[8]
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- Acting calm may help him feel calmer, too.
2
Ask him about what’s going on. It can be really easy to jump to conclusions, especially if you don’t know why your BF is feeling irritated. Let him explain exactly how he’s feeling, so you’re both on the same page.^{[9]
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Research source} You might get the conversation going by saying:
- “Things seemed a little tense this morning, so I just wanted to check in. I’m here to listen if you wanna talk!”
- “Is everything all right? I got the feeling that you were annoyed with me earlier. I’m happy to listen if you want to share what’s on your mind.”
3
Empathize with him to validate his emotions. Mention specific emotions that your BF is experiencing instead of listing general, basic feelings. Remind him that his emotions are valid and justified and that you understand where he’s coming from.^{[10]
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Research source} You might say:
- “I understand how frustrated you must have felt when I forgot to turn off my alarm.”
- “It sounds like you felt really annoyed when I didn’t text you back last night.”
- “It sounds to me like we had a miscommunication about what time to meet up yesterday, which must have been really frustrating.”
4
Accept responsibility for your role in the situation and apologize if needed. Talk specifically about the incident that left him feeling annoyed and irritated. Let him know that you didn’t mean to make him feel that way and that you’ll do your best to keep his feelings in mind in the future.^{[11]
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Research source} Try saying something like:
- “I definitely lost track of time at work last night, which is completely on me. I’ll be sure to set a reminder next time so I don’t keep you waiting.”
- “I got distracted with homework and completely forgot to text you yesterday, even though I said I would. I’m really sorry for not keeping my word.”
- Keep in mind that his bad mood may not be your fault at all! Feeling irritated, sad, and detached may be signs of a bigger issue, like depression.^{[12]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
5
Set boundaries throughout the conversation. While your BF is entitled to his feelings, he should still treat you respectfully throughout the conversation. Call him out if he says something that crosses the line, or hold yourself back if you’re about to say something unkind.^{[13]
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Research source} You could say:
- “I know that you’re annoyed with me and I’d really like to hear your perspective, but it doesn’t feel good when you raise your voice at me.”
- “I’d like to chat about whatever’s bothering you, but I won’t have that conversation unless you treat me with respect.”
- “I’m not in the best headspace right now, so I’m going to step away from this conversation.”
- “I don’t want to say something I’ll regret, so I’m going to head outside and get some fresh air.”

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you calm your boyfriend down when he's mad at you?

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Dr. Susan Pazak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. With more than 21 years of experience, she specializes in treating adolescents and adults with psychological issues using cognitive behavioral therapy, symptom reduction skills, and behavior modification techniques. She has been featured in numerous media outlets and shows, including “My Strange Addiction". Dr. Pazak holds a BA in Psychology with a minor in Communications from The University of Pittsburgh, an MA in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University, and a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University.

Susan Pazak, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach

Expert Answer

Start by offering comfort, kindness, love, and compassion. Then, stop the action, words, or behaviors that are stressing out your boyfriend and remove yourself from the situation. Try to replace the negative behavior with an act of kindness, a hug, or peace offering instead.