This article was co-authored by Nicolette Tura, MA. Nicolette Tura is an Authentic Living Expert who operated her own wellness business for more than ten years in the San Francisco Bay Area. Nicolette is a 500-hour Registered Yoga Teacher with a Psychology & Mindfulness Major, a National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM) certified Corrective Exercise Specialist, and is an expert in authentic living. She holds a BA in Sociology from the University of California, Berkeley and got her master's degree in Sociology from SJSU. She constantly draws from her own wounds and challenges; with her training in the healing arts and sociology, she offers potent content, powerful meditations, and game-changing seminars on inspiring elevation on a personal and corporate level.
There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 95,712 times.
Trust is the foundation of any good relationship, but it is especially important in a marriage, which is (ideally) a lifelong commitment. Whether you are a newlywed hoping to get off to a good start or your marriage has recently become difficult, there are things you can do to get your relationship on the right track. With respect, hard work, and a patient approach, you can establish trust in your marriage for years to come.
Steps
Basics of Trust
-
1Understand the importance of trust. Trust is so important to happy relationships because it's basically impossible to be truly happy with your partner if you don't have it.[1] Consider the following:[2]
- Without trust, you'll have reason to worry whenever your husband isn't around. Is he doing what he says he is or has he lied to you?
- Without trust, you can't be 100% sure that your husband is committed to you. Is he in this relationship for the long haul or is he just waiting until something better comes along?
- Without trust, you can't be positive that your husband will do his best to respect and care for you. Will he embarrass or demean you in front of other people?
-
2Talk to him about your concerns. Communication is key for trust to develop in a relationship.[3] You must be open about your feelings.[4] If there's something that your husband is doing to shake your trust, tell him! He can't read your mind, so if you want him to make changes, you'll need to talk to him.[5]
- Try to voice your concerns in a non-accusatory way. You don't want to put your husband on the defensive if you don't have to. Try taking an open, friendly tone. For example, you might open by saying, "Hey, I was wondering if we could talk about us for a few minutes." As you make your points, say how his actions make you feel rather than criticizing him personally.
- You don't just have to communicate only negative things to him — feel free to open up about how great he makes you feel as well.
Advertisement -
3Listen to him. Good communication is a two-way street. Listen to what your husband has to say and try your best to understand him. You don't always have to agree with him, but he does deserve your attention and respect, especially when you're discussing difficult topics.[6]
- It's also important to show your husband that you're listening. Maintain good eye contact and nod your head every once in a while. Occasionally, repeat back a point he's just made.
-
4Respect his privacy. Let the new trust in your relationship begin with you. A basic way to establish trust is to give him plenty of personal privacy (and expect that he gives you the same). This means not looking through his phone, mail, email or social media accounts. It also means not constantly calling him when he's out to see what he's doing or demanding explanations of what he's done. These kinds of actions feed your own insecurity and won't do anything to change what he is doing.[7]
- However, this doesn't mean that you should turn a blind eye to evidence of bad behavior. Obvious warning signs — mysterious texts that cause him to cancel your dinner plans with no explanation, for instance — warrant investigation.
-
5Be open about your expectations. It's important to lay down reasonable expectations for each spouse as early in the relationship as possible.[8] This way, if someone behaves badly, you can clearly point out exactly how your trust has been betrayed. This is especially important if your expectations of your partner differ significantly from the "norm" (i.e., he should not cheat on you, flirt with other people, and so on). It is crucial if you have shared responsibilities (like child care).
- If you haven't already, have an honest discussion with your partner that outlines your expectations for each other. Be prepared to speak up about things in your relationship that aren't working, but make the conversation about what you feel, rather than what you suspect he is doing. For example, you might say, "When you're always late home, I feel as though I'm not important to you." Approaching it this way gives him the opportunity to see how you're affected without being accused, which may lead to confrontation.
Trusting After You've Been Betrayed
-
1Clearly explain to him how he has betrayed your trust. Your first objective after a betrayal is to think about how you will communicate to your husband that he has shaken your trust. Here, as above, you'll want to focus on how his actions made you feel rather than making personal attacks. However, since in this case he has deliberately done something to hurt you, you don't need to stay perfectly calm. It's only reasonable to get emotional — especially if he has done something truly disrespectful.[9]
- For example, you might start the conversation by saying something like this: "We need to talk. I don't like that you've been lying about where you've been. If I can't trust you, we're going to have problems." You're making it clear that you're upset, but you're not completely allowing your emotions to run wild.
-
2Give him opportunities to re-earn trust after losing it. Betrayals of trust can range from relatively minor (lying so he can hang out with friends, forgetting romantic commitments, etc.) to major (infidelity, humiliating you in front of others, etc.) It's up to you to judge how badly your husband's trust-destroying behavior has damaged your relationship. However, as long as you stay together after the problem behavior, you should give your husband a reasonable chance to earn your trust again.[10]
- Try to make the punishment fit the crime here.[11] For instance, if you catch your husband sending flirty texts to a co-worker but he swears he hasn't done anything else (and you believe him), it's reasonable to avoid intimacy (sex, cuddling, affection, etc.) until you're sure that he's not interested in anyone else.
-
3Seek counseling. If you can't figure things out on your own but preserving your marriage is important to you, don't be afraid to seek the assistance of a professional. A counselor or couples therapist can help you repair the root issues that are affecting your ability to trust each other as spouses.[12]
- Seeing these sorts of professionals isn't something to be ashamed of. Many couples get professional help for a wide variety of marital issues. The fact that you're willing to get help when it's needed is something to be proud of, even if it's not the sort of thing you'd volunteer as casual dinner conversation.
-
4Consider ending the relationship if you can't trust him.[13] As mentioned at the beginning of this article, having a happy relationship is more or less impossible without trust.[14] If your husband has done something to prevent you from ever trusting him again or if he has refused to change after repeated betrayals, it may be time to reconsider your relationship. Breaking up is hard to do — especially when you're married — but the alternative of living with a spouse you don't trust is never a good idea
References
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/dennisjaffe/2018/12/05/the-essential-importance-of-trust-how-to-build-it-or-restore-it/#813e1c964fe5
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/so-happy-together/201705/do-you-trust-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201210/7-keys-long-term-relationship-success
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201707/how-talk-about-feelings-your-romantic-partner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201809/6-ways-build-trust-your-partner
- ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Life Planning Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
- ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Life Planning Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
- ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Life Planning Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/content/building-trust-after-cheating/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201206/betrayal-it-s-not-just-about-infidelity
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201803/when-punish-and-when-forgive
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201709/should-you-go-couples-therapy
- ↑ https://lifehacker.com/how-to-know-when-to-call-it-quits-in-your-relationship-1660237226
- ↑ https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/8-signs-its-time-end-the-relationship.html
About This Article
It can be difficult when your husband betrays your trust, but if you communicate your needs, it’ll be easier to learn to trust him again. When you both have some free time, sit down with your husband, and explain how what he did hurt you and damaged your trust in him. It’s important to be totally honest with each other about what you’re feeling since it will build a precedent for honesty in the future. After you’ve talked about your feelings, have a discussion about what you expect from each other in your relationship. For instance, you might agree to call ahead if you’re coming home late or not share certain parts of your relationship with friends. Keep in mind that you still need to respect each other’s privacy, and you shouldn’t look through each other’s phone, email, or social media. These kinds of actions tend to feed insecurities and aren’t the best option for rebuilding trust. To learn how to seek relationship counseling, read more from our Wellness co-author.
