How to Tell if You're Dating an Alcoholic

Co-authored by Lauren Urban, LCSW and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: October 16, 2022

After a while, you might start to notice that your partner's relationship with alcohol just doesn't quite sit right with you. You may have noticed little things that raise red flags and even leave you wondering whether or not you're dating an alcoholic. Luckily, the signs of alcoholism can be easy to identify if you know what to look for. When someone faces addiction, it can also put pressure on the people around them. If your partner's relationship with alcohol is hurting your mental health, you're not alone; be sure to reach out to your loved ones for support. Below, we've outlined some signs and symptoms to help you tell if you're dating an alcoholic.

1

Drinking affects major areas of their life.

Alcoholics may have their work, family, or school affected by drinking. If you know that your partner has been fired or gotten in trouble at work because of a drinking-related issue (like being too hungover to come in, drunk on a shift, or leaving early to head to the bar), this could be a sign of alcoholism.^{[1]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Drinking may have affected their schoolwork. You may know that they’ve missed classes or shirked studying plans because of a hangover.
- You might notice that their relationships with their family have suffered. Your partner may have tense relationships because of how they've acted drunk in the past.
- It’s also possible that your partner has gotten into legal trouble due to their drinking.

2

They let drinking hurt their relationships.

Alcoholics may keep drinking even when it’s affecting their loved ones. You might notice that your partner has had relationships end due to drinking, but that they still don't see that as a reason to quit. Or, it could be that they wanted to quit after hurting their relationship, but weren’t successful. This may be in your partner’s friendships, dating history, or family life.^{[2]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Has your partner ever negatively affected a loving relationship because of alcohol-fueled behavior?
- Have they ever had a relationship grow tense because a loved one believed your partner had an issue with alcohol?
- If so, does your partner continue to drink anyway?

3

They make risky decisions when they're drinking.

Alcoholics may involve themselves in dangerous activities when they drink. Your partner may be level-headed when sober, but prone to violent or unsafe actions when they’ve been drinking. This could mean getting into fights, having unprotected sex, or swimming while intoxicated. If you notice that your partner makes harmful decisions when they’ve been drinking, that could be a sign of alcoholism.^{[3]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- When your partner drinks, are you often worried for their safety?
- Do you fear that your partner will start a fight or get into legal trouble when they drink excessively?

4

They’re drinking more and more.

Alcoholics may increase their drink intake over time. If your partner seems to be upping their number of drinks on a night out, this could signal an unhealthy relationship with drinking. This implies that your partner's tolerance to alcohol is going up over time, meaning that it takes more alcohol for them to feel its baseline effects (like positive mood and lowered inhibitions).^{[4]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Have you noticed that your partner’s three drink average has gradually turned into an eight drink average?
- Do they spend a large sum every week at bars to keep up with their growing habit?

5

They experience withdrawal.

Alcoholics may have withdrawal symptoms when they're sober. An alcoholic may experience anxiety, shaking hands, headache, or nausea in the first 6 hours without a drink. In the next couple of days, they may experience sweating, a racing heart, fever, confusion, and more.^{[5]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Withdrawals and hangovers are different, but similar in their symptoms.
- Hangovers are caused by dehydration and toxins in alcohol. They may cause headaches, nausea, thirst, dizziness, or many other potential symptoms.
- Withdrawals can look similar, but these symptoms persist past 24 hours.

6

They have trouble limiting alcohol.

Alcoholics may plan to cut back or stay sober but then fail. If your partner says they’ll go light on alcohol when out with friends but then ends up drinking excessively, this could be a sign of alcoholism. Similarly, if they’ve made plans in the past to quit drinking completely or take a break from drinking, but then weren’t successful, that could also signal an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Does your partner often plan to drink just one or two rounds, but then ends up intoxicated by the end of the evening?
- Does your partner make plans to reduce their drinking (for instance, by only drinking one night a week) but then go back on those plans?

7

Drinking takes up a ton of their time.

Alcoholics' schedules may seem to revolve around alcohol. Reflect on the way your partner spends their given week. If most of their time is consumed by drinking, being hungover from drinking, or planning events that revolve around drinking, this could be a sign of alcoholism.^{[7]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Including hangovers, are your partner’s weekends almost totally dedicated to alcohol?
- If your partner wanted to make time in their schedule for a new activity, would they ever consider cutting out drinking to make time for it?

8

They joke about alcoholism.

Alcoholics may make light of their genuine issues to cope. If your partner quips about being an alcoholic or about behaviors that might signal alcoholism, this may be an honest concern in their mind. Even though the light tone may be reassuring, jokes can be a sign of a deeper issue.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Does your partner jokingly call themselves an alcoholic?
- Does your partner make light of the symptoms of alcoholism by saying things like, “I said I wasn’t going to drink tonight, but let’s be honest, I probably will.”

9

They get defensive.

Alcoholics may also be extremely resistant to accepting their issue. They may do whatever they can to avoid confronting the problem. This could mean hiding alcohol from loved ones, lying about whether or not they drank on nights out, having angry reactions to confrontations, or denying the issue altogether.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Have you ever caught your partner lying about their drinking habits?
- Have you or one of your partner’s loved ones ever expressed concern, only to have your partner get upset and deny the issue?

10

They drink at odd times.

Alcoholics may find any reason to drink, consuming alcohol at unusual times. Drinking, typically, is a social activity that’s done in the evening with friends. If your partner finds reasons to drink under any circumstance and at any time, this could be a sign of an alcohol problem.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Have you ever known or suspected that your partner had been drinking by themselves?
- Do they find every excuse to drink, even at events where almost no one else is drinking?

11

They drink to feel something.

Alcoholics may say they drink to achieve an emotional state. Your partner might tell you that they need a drink to relax. They may have a painful issue in their life that they want to dull with alcohol, like a mental health struggle, a loss, or a self-esteem issue.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Does your partner seem to use a desire to feel as an excuse for their drinking?
- Does your partner’s drinking seem to be addressing a deeper emotional problem that they’re facing?

12

Their loved ones are worried.

An alcoholic's family may already be worried about them. This could signify there’s an ongoing problem. If the people that know your partner best are getting worried or have been for a while, this implies that your partner has a history of noticeable symptoms.^{[12]
X
Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.} Perhaps your partner’s family makes excuses for their drinking regularly. This could also signify an issue with alcoholism.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- Is it well known within your partner’s circle that they're a heavy drinker?
- Do your partner’s friends and family make excuses for their drinking and related behavior?
- For instance, if your partner acted inappropriately at a family party due to alcohol, would his parents claim there was another issue to blame, like stress?

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I get my partner to stop drinking?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

I'm not a big fan of trying to police your partner's behavior. That can just develop into a really problematic pattern for a couple. If you're worried about your partner's relationship with alcohol, talk to them about it.
Question

Is a relationship worth pursuing if drinking is the only problem?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Unfortunately, drinking is rarely the only problem in a relationship. There are usually a variety of other addictive, emotional, and executive issues that come along with alcoholism. Whether it's an issue with food, mental health, exercise, or impulse control, there's typically other factors there.