How to Talk to Your Spouse About Wanting to Move

Co-authored by Michelle Joy, MA, MFT

Last Updated: July 25, 2022 References

One of the most stressful events in a person’s life is moving. Doing so can become even more of a challenge if your spouse doesn’t want to move, especially if you are dead set on taking this step. You don’t have to give up your dream, however. You can increase the chances of your spouse agreeing to consider moving when you prepare for the conversation, discuss the pros and cons, and then attempt to come up with a plan together.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Arranging the Conversation

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Wait for the right time. Timing is important in life, especially when you want to talk to your spouse about something they may not want to do. Try to find a time when neither of you are stressed out, when you’re both relaxed and calm, and in good moods.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Michelle Joy, MA, MFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 26 June 2020.} Waiting until the weekend when you are both decompressed from work is an ideal time.
- The best time to approach the subject is when it is just the two of you. Attempting to convince your spouse to do something in a group setting or when others are around may seem like you are trying to put them on the spot and make them be agreeable so they won't embarrass themselves in front of others. Your spouse will likely become defensive and may even feel betrayed. Instead, begin the conversation when you’re having a nice dinner or when you are relaxing on the couch.^{[2]
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- You might say something like, "Can we get dinner tonight? There's something I'd like to discuss with you."
- If your spouse is a football fanatic and there's a big game on that night, then it might be a good idea to talk the next day. Choose a time when neither of you will be distracted and can focus.
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Do your research. Determine why moving to the area would be a good idea for your spouse. Try to find selling points that would work in your spouse’s favor. Having this information handy when you bring up the subject could help you to convince them of the move.^{[3]
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- Perhaps your spouse doesn’t like the weather where you currently live, and your ideal location has temperatures you believe they would like. Or maybe the jobs are better in that area.
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3
Write down your thoughts. You can go into a conversation feeling prepared, but if you receive opposition from your spouse, you might forget all of your mental prep work. To prevent this, write down your reasons for wanting to move. Your notes can serve as a check list of subjects you want to cover during the conversation.
- It may be helpful to write down your spouse’s responses to each of your topics. Doing so allows you to come back to the list and think about possible solutions for your spouse’s apprehensions, should you have another conversation about moving.^{[4]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Weighing the Pros and Cons Together

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Discuss the advantages of the situation.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Michelle Joy, MA, MFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 26 June 2020.} After you have thought long and hard about your reasons for wanting to move, it's time to have the discussion with your spouse. You have good reasons for wanting to move. Being open with your spouse about them could sway their thinking. When laying out your reasons, take care not to act like your way is the only way; doing this could cause them to shut down and not leave any room in their mind for negotiation.
- Be sure to mention every advantage you can think of. These can include better schools, shorter commute to work, being closer to family or friends, or a safer neighborhood. If you want to move to a smaller home, bring up how your mortgage or rent is likely cheaper each month, how you’ll pay less for utilities, and how you may not have to do as much yardwork.^{[6]
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- If you and your spouse have long-term goals, talk about how moving can help you achieve them. For instance, paying a lower mortgage can help you save for early retirement, or moving closer to your extended family means your parents can help watch your kids, saving you money on daycare and babysitters.
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Talk about the cons. If you want your spouse to be open-minded about what you want, you also have to be open-minded as well, and this includes recognizing any possible downsides to moving. Without arguing or interrupting, let your spouse voice their concerns.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Michelle Joy, MA, MFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 26 June 2020.} Perhaps your spouse wants to stay for sentimental reasons, or doesn’t want to have to go through the stress of selling and buying a home. These are all valid reasons for wanting to stay, and showing that you understand that moving has its drawbacks could help your spouse realize you are willing to listen and validate their hesitation and not strong-arm them into doing what you want.^{[8]
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- No one wants to feel like they aren’t being heard or that their opinion doesn’t matter. Assuring your spouse that you get them and why they are hesitant to move shows you are supportive. This usually leaves the opportunity to discuss the matter further, instead of your spouse shutting it down immediately.
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Problem solve. Once you have heard your spouse's concerns, see if you can address them together and problem solve. If you have done your research, it may be easier to do this For instance, your spouse may be worried about crime in the new neighborhood. Having the statistics on how safe the area really is can help resolve the issue. It may also be helpful to take a break and discuss the move with outsiders, such as friends and family, who may provide a unique perspective.
- If your spouse is nervous about moving away from their parents, for instance, you might say, “I understand that you’re reluctant to move because you don’t want to be further away from your parents. I think we can work out an arrangement so that you can still be there for them even if we don’t live as close as we did before,” then work on a plan together that includes moving and doing what your spouse also wants to do.^{[9]
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- This shows your partner that you hear them and are taking their concerns seriously.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Coming to an Agreement Together

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Involve your spouse in the planning.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Michelle Joy, MA, MFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 26 June 2020.} Perhaps your spouse doesn’t want to move because they don’t want to be steamrolled in the decision-making process. You can combat this by including them in all of the planning. Not only can involvement help them feel like they have a say in the situation, but it may also make them more excited about moving.
- Allow your spouse to look at homes with you, scout out neighborhoods, and choose design options. They may find that moving presents them with better choices when they are able to see what the home and area are like.^{[11]
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Take a trial run. If you want to move to a new city, state, or even country, plan a vacation there. Being immersed in the area may help your spouse to change their mind when they see what the new environment has to offer. Choose activities that will highlight the location and find things to do that your spouse likes. Planning your trip out ahead of time to include what your spouse will enjoy could make all of the difference in the world.
- If you are able to, rent an apartment in the new location for a few months. This allows your spouse to really get an idea of what it would be like to move there. You may find that they like the new area because of this, or you may even discover that after living there, you would rather not move at all.^{[12]
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Work out a compromise. If you still can’t come to an agreement, at least try to come to a compromise. Suggest renting your house out for a year, and moving to your ideal spot until the lease is up. If your spouse still isn’t happy, make an offer to move back into your home. However, if your spouse is willing to try out a move for you, you must be good on your word and move back if they don’t love the new location.
- To make the agreement even more official, put together a contract of sorts. Include that you agree to live in the new home for a year and you will move back to the original home if you aren’t both happy with the new place. Having a document such as this may make your spouse feel more confident that you will, in fact, move if they don’t want to stay after a year.^{[13]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do I bring up moving to my partner?

Michelle Joy, MA, MFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Michelle Joy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and serves on the Board of Directors for the Couples Institute Counseling Services in the San Francisco Bay Area. With almost 20 years of therapy training and experience, Michelle offers couples therapy intensives, communication workshops, and Marriage Prep101 Workshops. Michelle is also a certified Enneagram teacher, has presented at the 25th annual International Enneagram Conference, and is a graduate of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy – Advanced Level. She received an MS in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University.

Michelle Joy, MA, MFT

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Wait for a time when your partner isn't stressed or distracted so they'll have an open mind for the conversation. Then, gently let them know that you've been thinking about moving. After you explain your reasons, let them know you want to hear their thoughts and feeling as well. This will help them feel more valued and make them less likely to get defensive.