This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
There are 9 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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Being a good conversationalist comes easily to some people and not to others. Even if you feel comfortable talking to other people, it can sometimes be awkward if the other person doesn’t respond in proportion to your remarks. Carrying on a conversation takes practice, and connecting in this way can be really hard for some people. However, whether you are at a work function, at school, or at a dinner party, it is an important skill to know how to talk to someone even if they aren’t as skilled at carrying on a conversation.
Steps
Starting the Conversation
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1Have some talking points prepared. Whether you are going to a specific event where you will have to speak with people or you just want to be prepared to talk with anyone throughout the day, it can be very helpful to have some talking points ready. These talking points can help you initiate a conversation and keep the conversation going if the person you are talking to is not a good conversationalist. Before you go out for the day, read up on current events in the paper or online, and make note of interesting stories.[1]
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2Initiate conversation confidently. If you haven't met before, introduce yourself. If you've already met, be warm in your greeting. As you begin the conversation, it is important that you are inviting and exude confidence. If you seem at ease with making conversation, this will help put the other person at ease as well. Avoid defensive body language like crossing your arms, and always smile openly and make eye contact with the person.[2]Advertisement
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3Comment on a topic that is common to both of you. As you ease into speaking with one another, focus on things that you both have in common at the moment, like the room you are in, the event you are attending, or the neighborhood where it is located. You can offer up information about yourself at this time, making yourself seem more open and interested. For example:[3]
- “I went to college with Gina in Iowa. How do you know the hosts?”
- “I’ve always been interested in marketing strategies. What brings you to this event?”
- “I don’t live around here, but this neighborhood is so pretty. Do you know this area well?”
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4Get to know the person better by asking open-ended questions. Whether you know this person already or you are talking with someone new, show your interest in the other person and encourage them to participate more in the conversation. The best way to do this is by asking questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. Try to phrase your questions in such a way that it elicits a more detailed response. For example:[4]
- Instead of asking, “Did you have a nice weekend?” try saying, “What did you do this weekend?”
- Instead of asking, “I like this appetizer, do you?” try saying, “If this was your event, what would you put on the menu?”
- Instead of asking, “Have we met before?” try saying, “I think we met at Jake’s birthday party a few months ago, what have you been up to since then?”
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5Avoid sensitive topics. As you start a conversation with someone who has trouble carrying on, it is best to stick to topics most people can contribute to. You don’t want to make the person feel uncomfortable or uninformed by talking about subjects they can’t or don’t want to add to. Focus your open-ended questions on more universal topics like their family, their interests, their travels, and their work. While you may be able to delve into more substantial subjects if the conversation progresses that way, you should almost always avoid the following subjects:[5]
- Religion
- Politics
- Money
- Family problems
- Health problems
- Sex
Encouraging the Conversation
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1Maintain good eye contact. Looking at someone while they talk shows the person that you respect them. It also shows that you are listening to them and engaged in the conversation. If the person you are speaking with already has trouble carrying a conversation, they will not feel comfortable to try to speak with you if you look like you don’t care. Avoid looking beyond the person to other people walking by. Also try to keep the eye contact warm and inviting rather than overly intense.[6]
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2Take turns asking questions. If the person you are talking to starts to warm up a little bit and participates in the conversation more, be sure to allow them to reciprocate with asking you some questions. You don’t want to fire question after question at them as it will come across like you are interviewing or interrogating them. Be open and willing to answer any questions they may have for you as well.[7]
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3Listen carefully and give positive feedback. An important aspect of being a good conversationalist is being a good listener.[8] As you carry the conversation and encourage the other person to talk, be sure that you are listening attentively to what they say when they do speak up.[9] When they do respond, give them positive feedback so that they are encouraged to continue joining in. For example:
- “That's an interesting way of looking at it! I never thought of it that way before.”
- “Wow, where did you learn so much about astronomy?”
- “I’ve always wanted to learn more about that historical period. Do you have any book recommendations?”
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4Thread the conversation from one topic to another. Another technique to keep the conversation going is called conversation threading. This is where you dissect each statement a person makes into parts, and then choose a part to follow up with to keep the conversation going. This will help you to respond to their comments without coming across as interrogative. For example:
- If a person says, “I just got back from Germany and I’m completely jet-lagged, but I’m supposed to have a meeting tomorrow morning” you have three conversation threads from which you can choose to follow up with: why they went abroad, the fact that they are jet lagged, and their job.
- Choose one of these threads and respond with a question or an anecdote like, “I was in Germany last year visiting family. I stayed in Munich, where did you visit?” or “Morning meetings can be hard even without jet lag! What would your boss say if you tried to reschedule it?”
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5End the conversation with a positive expression about your interaction. When it's time for you to part ways, be sure to let the person know that you enjoyed talking with them. Since they have difficulty carrying on a conversation, encourage them by letting them know that you enjoyed your time talking with them. If you want to and feel comfortable, let them know that they are welcome to talk with you again sometime and exchange contact information. Try to say something complimentary as you leave, and be sincere when you say it. For example:
- “I have to go find my table, but it was really nice meeting you. Thank you for keeping me company in this line!”
- “I enjoyed chatting with you, and I look forward to seeing you at the next conference!”
- “I really enjoyed meeting you, and I will definitely look up that article you mentioned.”
Community Q&A
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QuestionI'm always the one carrying the conversation with this one friend. I feel weird that she doesn't ask me any questions. What should I do?
Community AnswerTry holding back slightly when speaking with her. Be polite and give her the opportunity to either carry the conversation or navigate the conversation to something she is more interested in. -
QuestionHow do I talk to someone I like, but don't talk to? And they seem really shy/uninterested?
Community AnswerBegin by saying "hi" or by greeting them in a polite manner, then ask them questions that reveal more things about them. This will make them open up to you. Do not sound really clingy or intrusive, make the conversation sound as if it is coming out naturally. -
QuestionWhat can I say to a person who will not respond to me due to the fact that they are mad at me?
Community AnswerSincerely apologize for your actions, and give that person time to process their feelings.
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![Respond to a "How Was Your Weekend?" Text](./images/556022528--crop-342-184-245px-Respond-to-a-"How-Was-Your-Weekend_"-Text-Step-12.webp)
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References
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/09/how-to-make-a-great-first-impression
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
- ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/2021/08/17/avoid-these-mistakes-if-you-want-to-be-good-at-small-talk-says-public-speaking-expert.html
- ↑ https://files.nc.gov/ncdhhs/documents/files/dss/training/Open-Ended-Questions-.pdf
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/conversations
- ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/eye_contact_dont_make_these_mistakes
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/36_questions_for_increasing_closeness
- ↑ https://healthcare.utah.edu/the-scope/shows.php?shows=0_lw7a40k7
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
About This Article
It can be frustrating to talk to someone who doesn’t carry the conversation, but you can make it work by choosing topics that the person can relate to and asking open-ended questions. Once you’ve introduced yourself, steer the conversation towards things you have in common, such as the event you’re attending or the neighborhood you’re in. You can say something like, “I’ve always been interested in marketing. What brings you to this event?” As you make small talk, try your best to ask open-ended questions instead of questions that can be answered with a “Yes” or “No”. That way, you’ll encourage them to participate more in the conversation. For example, instead of asking, “Did you have a nice weekend?” try saying, “What did you do this weekend?” Whatever you choose to talk about, just make sure to avoid sensitive topics like religion, politics, and money, since these can make people uncomfortable. To learn how to use your body language to keep the conversation going, read on!
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Medical Disclaimer
The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.
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