How to Support a Person You Suspect Has ADD or ADHD

Last Updated: February 27, 2023 References

People with ADHD can face additional challenges, including in interpersonal situations. If you suspect that someone has ADHD, it's important to understand that they are most likely doing their best to get along—certain things are just harder for them.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Understanding Them

1
Know the basic signs of ADHD. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that impacts many areas of a person's life. People with ADHD are often disorganized and distractible, no matter how hard they may try to stay on top of things. By understanding what a person with ADHD goes through, you can be more supportive of them and their disorder.^{[1]
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Expert Source

George Sachs, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 9 October 2020.} Depending on what type of ADHD they have, they might experience...
- Disorganization
- Losing track of time
- Difficulty focusing
- Forgetfulness
- Impulsiveness
- Restlessness
- Low self esteem
2
Know the different types of ADHD. While every person with ADHD is unique, experts have identified three rough categories of ADHD.
- Inattentive type ADHD, formerly called ADD, involves difficulty focusing.
- Hyperactive type ADHD involves high energy and restlessness.
- Combined type ADHD means that a person has both inattentive and hyperactive type ADHD.
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3
Be aware of how people with ADHD can struggle in social situations. Making and keeping friends can be hard for a person with ADHD. Here are some things that they may experience:^{[2]
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- Being late often, because they can't manage time well^{[5]
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  George Sachs, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 9 October 2020.}
- Interrupting others
- Being easily distracted by their phone
- Trouble predicting how others will react to their behavior
- Forgetting things
- Fearing conflict and rejection
4
Know that they're likely struggling behind the scenes, too. Keeping up with the demands of life doesn't come easily to people with ADHD. People around them often judge them for being "lazy," and they may come to believe this about themselves. In reality, they're often trying incredibly hard while only getting small results. This is deeply frustrating.
- Struggling to clean
- Losing track of time and objects
- Making careless mistakes
- Trouble prioritizing
- Struggling to focus on "boring" things
- Trying lots of organization strategies and failing
- Frustration and mood swings
- Low self-esteem
Did You Know? Despite what onlookers may say, lack of effort is rarely the problem for people with ADHD. Instead, they need to find a system that sets them up for success instead of failure. Therapy, medication, and/or home strategies (from listening to video game for focus to taking doors off of cabinets so they can see inside) can help.
5
Recognize that ADHD is a condition, not a choice. People with ADHD may struggle a lot, and feel guilty about all the hardships they go through.^{[6]
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Research source} They have no way to stop having ADHD, and they aren't "doing it on purpose." Understanding the limitations that come along with ADHD can help you be more empathetic and supportive.^{[7]
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Expert Source

George Sachs, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 9 October 2020.}
- Medication doesn't work for everyone. Some people experience serious side effects that make it not worth it.
6
Know that ADHD can also come with noticeable strengths. While people with ADHD may struggle a lot in certain areas, they can be incredibly good at other things. People with ADHD can be:^{[8]
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- Sincere
- Kind
- Creative
- Loyal
- Funny
- Thoughtful
- Understanding
- Brave
- Resilient
- Highly focused (when something interests them)
7
Try doing some research to better understand what people with ADHD are going through. Read articles by experts, and by people with ADHD themselves.
8
Don't try to diagnose someone if you aren't their psychologist. Diagnosis is done by a qualified professional, with consent from the person they're treating. Keep your suspicions of ADHD to yourself, unless the person specifically brings it up.
- Be cautious about approaching them regarding whether they have ADHD. Some people with ADHD are very sensitive about it, and some people without ADHD might take it badly. If they feel comfortable talking to you about ADHD, then they'll start the conversation.
- If they don't have ADHD but you claim they do, you could end up embarrassing yourself. It's possible that they're just energetic or absent-minded, or that they have a condition that shares some symptoms with ADHD.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Being Understanding

1
Accept that this person's ADHD traits are likely here to stay. You can't change them, and they're probably going to continue to struggle with many of the same things throughout their life. Nobody gets a replacement brain in life, and you can't change someone's abilities or personality.
- While people with ADHD can learn skills and coping mechanisms,^{[11]
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  Child Mind Institute
  Nonprofit organization providing evidence-based care for children with mental health and learning disorders and their families
  Go to source} it doesn't erase the ADHD.
- You may have heard of some kids "outgrowing" ADHD. But research suggests this is less common than previously believed. Many people go through ups and downs, having easier periods and harder periods in their lives.^{[12]
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2
Be patient, and avoid taking things personally. People with ADHD can struggle in a lot of areas, and may sometimes be a little clueless. Keep in mind that the person isn't "doing it on purpose," and always assume that they're doing their best to get along with you.^{[13]
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- People with ADHD can make a lot of social mistakes unintentionally. Start by assuming it was a mistake, like "she lost track of time" instead of "she was late because she doesn't care about me."
3
Keep the unsolicited advice to yourself. The person has probably tried all kinds of strategies to manage their difficulties, and they've probably already thought of whatever you're going to suggest. Additionally, it can be frustrating for them to hear unsolicited advice about their condition from lots of people.
- If you think you might have useful advice, first ask if they want it: "Would you like to hear an idea that may help?"^{[15]
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- Don't make a big deal out of it if your advice doesn't help. Their brain is different. Just like you can't fix a bike using a car manual, you often can't solve ADHD problems using traditional neurotypical solutions.
Tip: If a loved one with ADHD is really struggling, then they might benefit from tips coming from the ADHD community. Following people with ADHD who post advice online is a great way to start.
4
Try to set them up for success if you're helping them with something. Without the right support, a person with ADHD may fail repeatedly no matter how badly they want to succeed. Work on getting rid of obstacles and making plans to help them do well.
- If your job is to help them (e.g. as a parent or supervisor), then it might help to read up on strategies that help people with ADHD. This might mean taking a different approach than you planned. See what you can learn.
5
Try giving them some encouragement and praise. People with ADHD often receive a lot of negative feedback, which can be very discouraging. When you think that they've done something well, tell them.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Handling Mishaps

1
Set clear, explicit boundaries. People with ADHD may struggle to "read between the lines" and recognize unspoken social rules. It can help to have a conversation that defines things clearly.^{[16]
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Research source} Here are some examples of setting boundaries:
- "This side of the room is mine, and that side is yours. Please keep your things in your side of the room. I'll do the same with mine. As long as there's no food, animals, or bad odors in your side, I don't care how messy it is."
- "I know you sometimes with time management, but when you're late, it affects my schedule too. I'm not going to wait more than 15 minutes, so please understand if I'm not there."^{[17]
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  Expert Source
  
  George Sachs, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 9 October 2020.}
- "I'm okay with a little friendly teasing, but I don't like to be teased about my nose because I'm self-conscious about it. You can tease me about other things, but please don't tease about my nose."
2
Gently let them know if their behavior is out of line. People with ADHD can have difficulty with self-monitoring, so they may not realize when they're acting inappropriately. Try giving a quick reminder to help them get back on track.
- "Imani was just saying something. Imani, please continue."
- "Please put your phone down while we're talking."
- "Jake looks like he wants to leave. We can talk to him later, at a better time."
- "I think this topic is making Tyler uncomfortable. Why don't you show us some pictures of your dog? Tyler loves dogs."
3
Explain to them if they hurt your feelings. You don't have to hide your unhappiness if they upset you.^{[18]
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Research source} Instead, communicate it clearly, making "I" statements to explain how their behavior affected you.
4
Consider arranging to give a quiet signal if they're doing a bad habit. If the person with ADHD asks for help managing something that they have a hard time with, you can volunteer to give a signal (like tapping their shoulder).^{[19]
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- Only do this if the person with ADHD says they want your help handling their bad habit.
5
Ask what's in their way if they keep making the same mistake. Unmet needs can cause people to repeat their mistakes. What's blocking them from doing better? Have them describe what happens and see if you can label the problem. Then, brainstorm ways to solve it together. Ask for their help coming up with ideas.
- If they say "I don't know," be patient. Sometimes it's hard to put things into words. You can help them try to tease it out, but they may not be able to answer you. Stay patient. It's possible they'll figure it out later and come back to you.
6
Keep a forgiving attitude. There's a good chance that the person with ADHD didn't mean any harm. After you talk it out, be willing to let things go.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I help a student with ADHD stay focused in class?

Laura Reber, SSP
School Psychologist
Laura Reber is a school psychologist and founder of Progress Parade, an organization that provides 1:1 online tutoring with hand-picked specialists to students with academic needs, ADHD, learning disabilities, autism, and social-emotional challenges. Laura works with a team of school psychologists and specialized teachers to create personalized approaches for homework support, academic intervention, homeschooling, unschooling, and more. Laura holds a BS in Psychology from Truman State University and a Specialist in School Psychology degree (SSP) from Illinois State University.

Laura Reber, SSP

School Psychologist

Expert Answer

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Students who have both inattentive and hyperactive ADHD can benefit from frequent check-ins during a lesson. For instance, after you tell them something, ask them what you just told them, then repeat it back to them again. That way, they can be more engaged in the lesson.
Question

How can I take care of myself while being there for someone with ADHD?

George Sachs, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
George Sachs is a Licensed Psychologist and the Owner of Sachs Center based in New York, New York. With over ten years of experience, Dr. Sachs specializes in treating ADD/ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorders in children, teens, and adults. He holds a BS in Psychology from Emory University. Dr. Sachs earned his Doctorate of Psychology (PsyD) from the Illinois School of Professional Psychology, Chicago. He completed his clinical training in Chicago at Cook County Hospital, Mt. Sinai Hospital, and the Child Study Center. Dr. Sachs completed his internship and postdoctoral work at the Children’s Institute in Los Angeles, where he supervised and trained therapists in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TFCBT). He has been trained as a Gestalt Therapist and certified by the Gestalt Associates Training Program of Los Angeles. Dr. Sachs is the author of The Adult ADD Solution, Helping the Traumatized Child, and Helping Your Husband with Adult ADD. He has appeared on the Huffington Post, NBC Nightly News, CBS, and WPIX discussing his holistic approach to ADD/ADHD treatment.

George Sachs, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

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It's important to set boundaries so you don't feel resentful or angry. For instance, if the other person is 30 minutes late to meet you, you might say, "I understand with your ADHD you might be a few minutes late sometimes, but I'm not going to wait more than 15 minutes. I'm not angry or annoyed, I'm just respecting myself, and I want you to understand why I might not be there."