How to Stop Hating Yourself

Co-authored by Kamal Ravikant

Last Updated: April 2, 2021 References

Self-loathing is a serious problem for thousands of people. It can be very difficult to drag yourself out of the muck alone, and it does require a lot of support from others, but you can learn concrete strategies for changing your perspective, loving yourself and your body, and staying positive in your outlook on life. You should be in control of your own life, and you can learn self-compassion and how to find peace and enjoy your own company.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Changing Your Perspective

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Forget perfection. Self-loathing is the result of a distorted and entirely negative view of yourself–a view based in fantasy, denial, and delusion. In order to move into reality, you have to learn to be honest and take control of your own life. Nobody's perfect. Trying to hold yourself to a standard of perfection will result in spirals of self-loathing. If you want to stop hating yourself, abandon this way of thinking as soon as possible.^{[1]
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- Stop comparing yourself to people you see on television and in advertisements. Compare yourself to yourself, not to others. Life doesn't work in 30-minute increments, and doesn't come with its own Photoshop re-touching. Short-cut to happiness? Cut out the television and the social networking for a while and spend more time with one-on-one interactions.
2
Discover your self-loathing triggers. Self loathing works in cycles, sometimes stemming from childhood or early adulthood trauma. But it's not always a single, notable memory that can trigger self-loathing. Certain people, situations, or behaviors can quickly force you to spiral into negative ways of thinking, making it worse. Learn to identify the thoughts or situations that cause this response, so you can better head them off at the pass.^{[2]
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- The next time you feel some self-loathing coming on, stop yourself by saying out loud–literally–"I'm not going there." Stop and take stock. What's happening around you? What are you responding to? Get out a piece of paper and write your thoughts down. Writing your thoughts is a a kind of catharsis and it will make you feel better.
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3
Use positive coping mechanisms. What do you usually do when you start feeling hateful toward yourself? Crawl into bed and watching television instead of going out? Drinking to excess? Overeating? Most self-loathers have in common that their coping mechanisms end up making the problem worse. Whatever you do to cope, find it and replace it with something more positive.^{[3]
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- If you struggle with over-indulgence in food or drink, make it impossible. Keep the ice cream and the cookies out of the kitchen, and replace them with fresh fruit and vegetables. If you struggle with isolation, force yourself to go out more.
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Practice daily affirmations. Talking to yourself in a mirror sound weird? It might be at first, but it's proven helpful to a large number of people suffering intense pangs of self-loathing, with some time and consistency. Find a positive mantra to recite to yourself in the mirror when you're experiencing your triggers and get yourself back on track.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Kamal Ravikant
Author, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It
Expert Interview. 2 December 2019.} They don't need to be complicated. Consider the following:^{[5]
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- I'm good enough.
- I'm in control of my life.
- I can do this.
- I'm beautiful, intelligent, and kind.
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List out your core values and beliefs. What are your core values, the ideas and concepts that really mean something to you? Many times these are abstract concepts like loyalty, sacrifice, selflessness, kindness, or equality. You may also value things like creativity, strength, or education. What are the rules by which a good person lives their life? Make a list and review it daily. Update the list as it comes to you.^{[6]
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- If it helps, think about this as your own personal code and write it out accordingly. If you were forming a club, what would be the traits and values that the other members would live by, if it were up to you?
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Make decisions based on these values. Often, self-loathing occurs when our actions are misaligned with our values. Every time you are faced with a choice, even if it's just a choice with how you'd like to spend your free time, double-check that you decision is in line with your core values.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Kamal Ravikant
Author, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It
Expert Interview. 2 December 2019.} Ask, "Will this make me feel better or worse about myself?"
- If a core value on your list is creativity, how will you spend your free time? There's always Netflix, or you could get cracking on that novel you've always meant to write. Keep your actions consistent with your beliefs.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Loving Your Body

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Use your body in ways that make you proud. Just as we must make decisions to act in ways that align with our values, we must use our physical bodies in ways that make us proud to inhabit them. What can your body do for you? How can you use your body in a positive way that will promote positive thinking and self-love?
- Decide what "treating yourself right" means. "Right" might mean different things for different people, but you can go about it in the same way with your decisions. What behavior will make you proud of your body?
- While certain things might feel good in the moment, they may also contribute to cycles of self-loathing down the road. Every drinking binge has a hangover at the end of it. In general, you want to avoid self-destructive behaviors, like substance abuse to stay proud of your body.
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Use your body in physical ways. Do things with your body to make it work for you. Hike to the top of a mountain so you can look down at the valley below and say, "I did this in my body!" Go out dancing and make exercise fun. Devote yourself to learning a particular yoga, or new dance style and you'll be making your body work for you. The exercise will be a by-product of that positive use of your body.^{[8]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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- It's easy to become obsessed with the numbers. How much weight you've gained or lost, how many steps you took yesterday on your pedometer, how many calories you've consumed. If you're struggling with body-issues and self-esteem, it's important to stay focused on what's most important: your health and happiness.
- While it may be a goal to lose weight, your ultimate goal should be developing a positive body image. Calorie-burning should be a good benefit of doing things you like doing, not torturing yourself. Find a way of being physical that you genuinely enjoy and you'll be much closer to self-love and a positive body image.
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Wear clothes that make you feel confident. You don't have to dress any particular way except the way that helps you to feel the most comfortable and confident about your body. Ideas about what is "flattering" and what is "sexy" are highly subjective across cultures, and if you want to build a positive body self-image, it's important for you to decide how you can clothe yourself to feel like the most confident version of yourself.
- In general, it's good to put less stock in what fashion magazines have to say about the way you dress yourself. "Feeling confident" isn't synonymous with "being trendy," especially if current trends involve super-tight high-waisted pants. Try to strike a balance between comfort and a style you like.
- It's over-simple to say that clothes don't matter. While they're not as important to work on as other things, it can be a big confidence booster to put some thought into your appearance, and clothes are one of the easiest ways to do this. Would a leather jacket make you confident? Consider it.
4
Stop comparing yourself to others. The fastest way to develop an unhealthy sense of body image and spiraling self-loathing is to constantly compare yourself to others, especially celebrities or fashion icons. You don't have a responsibility to look any particular way for anyone other than yourself.^{[9]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Staying Positive

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Surround yourself with positive people. While it might seem like you're the one doing the hating, it might really be the fear of the rejection of others, or an over-emphasis on the opinions of others that gives you self-esteem troubles. Easiest way to break out? Stop hanging out with people who don't build you up. Critics, complainers, and haters should have no place in your life.^{[10]
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- Look at your close friends. Are they suffering from similar issues? Are they projecting these issues and anxieties onto you? If so, consider making a break. Find friends that you can rely on to not drag you through the muck.
- If you're in a relationship with someone who is criticizing, manipulative, or feeds your anxieties about yourself, you're giving yourself the short end of the stick. You can do better. End the relationship and find someone who'll love you for who you are.
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Stay in control of your own attitude. Psychologists often describe what is called a "locus of control," which can be placed either internally or externally. People with an internal locus of control look to themselves to decide whether or not they're successful. People with external locus? They look outward.
- You can't change the way others perceive you, and it's a waste of time to try. Instead, focus on shifting your locus of control inward. You don't have any responsibility to others, you have one to yourself.
3
Go out and be useful to others. If you're struggling with self-hatred, it may be helpful to think about others for a while and remind yourself how fortunate you really are. Volunteering your time can be an excellent way to build self-esteem and give back at the same time. It's hard not to feel valuable and valued at the end of a day spent contributing in a positive way to your community.
- If your job is part of the aggravation, make a switch. Pushing a pencil all day's not doing for you anymore? Find something that benefits your community more directly. Take a risk to make a change in your life and commit to your own happiness. You are in control of your life.
4
Find ways to express your creativity. Instead of wallowing, decide to exercise your creative impulses and make something. Pick up a new hobby or return to an older hobby or interest that you may have abandoned at some point along the way. Want to write a novel? Start painting? Pick up an instrument? Get active and give yourself something to stay consistently proud of.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I let go of shame and regret?

Kamal Ravikant
Author, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It
Kamal Ravikant is a bestselling author, podcast host, speaker, and a Venture Capitalist. His book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It was a bestseller in the USA. He's had diverse experiences in his life, including meditating with monks in the Himalayas, serving as a US Army Infantry soldier, and cofounded several companies and a Venture Capital firm in Silicon Valley. He is passionate about sharing the common thread through all of these experiences: the importance of loving yourself

Kamal Ravikant

Author, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It

Expert Answer

You're in control of your mind, so accept what has happened in the past and make decisions that will help you move on and improve.