How to Stop Expecting Too Much from People

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Last Updated: June 7, 2021 References

Human relationships are extremely complex. Often when you begin relationships in any area of our lives, you might expect perfection. When people fail to perform to your standards, you might get upset. If you are continuously disappointed by people in your life, perhaps you are not setting clear, timely expectations. Work to communicate with others about your expectations and also set realistic goals for yourself. Practicing self-awareness and acceptance rather than perfection can lead to a more balanced life.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Setting Achievable Expectations for Employees

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Understand with whom you are working. Sometimes you will set expectations for a spouse, partner, or child. If you are in management, however, you likely will set expectations for myriad diverse people. When setting goals in those instances, work to appreciate each individual’s personality, work patterns, hobbies, and passions.^{[1]
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Research source} By having a sense of the person, you will be better able to set realistic expectations. Ask the person:
- What work tasks makes you concerned?
- Which work activities give you energy?
- What are your work goals?
- How do your work and personal goals jive with our expectations here?^{[2]
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- How can I help you work towards your various goals in a strategic, effective manner?
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Be clear and specific in what you expect from others. Make sure contracts explain duties thoroughly and the employee's specific role in your organization. Convey job responsibilities to employees. Outline the person’s responsibilities, duties, and purposes.^{[3]
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- When making a new request, check whether your request is realistic. Ask yourself whether you can visualize your employee doing what you desire. If the person has done the task previously, your request is likely realistic. When the assignment is something new, consider whether your employee could complete the task with the available time and resources.^{[4]
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- If possible, help make the task easier. For example, if you need your employee to write a very important report, give her a quiet office where she can work on the report.^{[5]
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Set timed expectations and goals. Be concrete in your expectations but be flexible in your timeline.^{[6]
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Research source} Craft a timeline that works for both of you. Offer your assistance when it is possible as well.
- Meet with your employees to set regular goals. Split projects into smaller sections with each section having its own goals.
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Follow up with people. Set regular meetings at which you can review progress.^{[7]
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Research source} If people are not meeting your expectations, have an open dialogue with them. People cannot read your mind. In some cases, your expectations might be too high. In other scenarios, it is possible you did not transmit your expectations clearly. Either way, it is best to check in with people regularly about expectations.
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Be aware of colluding expectations. For example, you might set high expectations for yourself. Maybe you work long hours or are super mom and get everything imaginable done but barely sleep. Just because you have set these sorts of expectations for yourself does not mean you can expect other people to act the same way. Work to distinguish between the expectation you have for someone and the way the person completes the task.^{[8]
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Practice acceptance rather than perfection. If you tend to be a perfectionist, it is very possible you expect perfection from others. This can be seriously damaging to your work and personal relationships. Aim to practice acceptance. When someone (including you) makes a mistake, realize that making mistakes is human. No one is perfect and accepting the flaws of others and yourself will help you be more realistic in setting expectations. Your employees also will appreciate that you are a more understanding boss.
- There are limits to acceptance. If an employee consistently does not fulfill his work obligations, it is fully appropriate to have a serious talk with him.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Communicating Expectations with Your Loved Ones

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Discuss expectations clearly. If you need or want a partner or loved one to do something, convey this kindly and directly. If you are vague or unclear, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and are likely to cause the other person to be frustrated. When you have a particularly important request, ask for a one-on-one meeting. This will help avoid confusion that can come when making requests in passing.
- For example, if you want your partner to do something (e.g. drive the kids to school), state that clearly. Do not hint by saying, “Wow, it’s really stressful for me to take the kids to school before work. You work at home…” Instead say, “Mike, could you take the kids to school? It would help my commute considerably.”
- Remember that unless you are a manager, you likely cannot dictate to a person (especially your partner) what he must do. Instead say, “I’d love for you to clean the garage before Thanksgiving. How can we make that happen? Let’s look at our available weekends.”
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Making expectations routine. When setting expectations for children, it is often necessary to establish a routine. Having certain chores on the weekly schedule for particular days will help your child remember to do them. Consider making a checklist that people can mark when they have completed a task.
- For example, rather than telling your son to take the trash out generally, try saying, “Hey, Logan. Please take out the trash every Friday morning before school.”
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Create reward systems. For children, offering small incentives and systems for accountability can help them fulfill expectations. After a child has completed a certain number of tasks or weeks, offer a small reward. You also can periodically reward your partner for fulfilling her or his commitments.
- You might reward a child's successful completion of monthly duties with a movie night.
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Ask loved ones what their expectations are of you. Although you might be used to expecting things from others, what do other people expect from you? Having conversations with your partner, children, or friends about their expectations will help you be a better person. Knowing the level of expectations people set for you also might help you gauge what normal expectations are. If, however, other people set unreasonably high expectations for you, like babysitting your grandchildren every weekend for example, be honest about your own limitations.
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Be grateful for what others do for you.^{[9]
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Research source} It is possible that other people are not always fulfilling your expectations, but what are they doing right? Make a list of the good things your spouse, employee, or child are doing.
- It could be that a positive quality your partner possesses is related to a negative quality. For example, your partner could be very generous with his time but then not always get things done punctually. Try to think about someone’s behaviors as a reflection of their unique self.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Setting Doable Goals for Yourself

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Discover the driving forces of your goals. When thinking about what goals you want to achieve, whether short or long term, aim to understand the root of these goals. People who set realistic goals and expectations have higher self esteems. You can ask yourself the following questions:
- What is the root of my goal? When did it develop?
- Why do I want to achieve this goal?
- Is it based on my desires or someone else’s (e.g. partner, parent, teacher)?
- Can I realistically achieve this goal based on my personality and past experience?
- What is the purpose of achieving this goal?
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Prioritize what matters. What is most important to you? Perhaps your job or your relationship. Focus on the top three things that matter in your life and make sure that you are giving your time and energy to those activities. If you have time and energy to do more activities, add them in gradually. Aim for a good balance.
- For example, you might say that your top three priorities are your family, job, and choir. Schedule weekly quality family time. Make sure you sleep enough to do well at your job. Plan to have a babysitter on choir nights.
- Other priorities for a university student might be gaining entrance to medical school, being a good student government leader, and staying fit. In this case, plan out your study times for the MCAT. Also, put your student government meetings in your calendar in advance. Map out your work out times. It is possible that at some times, like the week before your MCAT exam, you must focus even more on just one priority.
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Set realistic goals. When you set goals or want to change things about yourself, keep in mind that change does not happen overnight.^{[10]
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Research source} Strive instead to set mini goals as you work towards a larger goal. Also realize that achieving your goal likely has a few consequences but will not necessarily impact your entire life. For instance, if you want to lose weight, focus on the health benefits of weight loss first. Do not automatically assume it will improve your personal relationships or overall happiness.^{[11]
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- For example, instead of saying, “I’m going to lose forty pounds this year,” try instead to lose one pound per week for one month. After this time, reassess your situation and make another mini goal.
- If your goal is gaining entrance into medical school, set mini goals and tasks, like enrolling in organic chemistry, anatomy, molecular biology, and other courses. Then, focus on doing well in your courses. Eventually, add the goal of acing the MCAT. After this, you can add tasks like writing your essays, receiving recommendation letters, gathering transcripts, etc.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it toxic to expect too much from people?

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

It can be. It depends on what your relationship with a given person is, but it can certainly damage your relationship with people. If you put too much pressure on people to be absolutely perfect, they're unlikely to live up to your expectations. This may be frustrating for you, but people may start resenting how much pressure you put on them.