How to Stop Being a Toxic Girlfriend: Ending Toxic Behavior in Your Relationship

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: February 8, 2022 References

If you want to avoid being a toxic girlfriend, you’ve already made a huge step in the right direction. Criticism, anxiety, and a lack of trust all factor into a stressful relationship, so focus on supporting and uplifting your partner instead. Here, we'll provide a ton of expert-backed advice about how to bring joy and transparency to your dynamic. Review this list to learn how to change or prevent any toxic habits—you'll bring balance and peace to your love life.

1

List any patterns you want to change.

Reflect on your habits and identify which ones you can adjust. It takes a lot of bravery to admit that you might have some toxic habits. You should feel proud of yourself for wanting to create a better situation.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} To move forward, reflect on how you may be adding to any instability in your relationship or draining your partner.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
Adult Counselor & Certified Hypnotherapist
Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.} Also ask your S.O. for some insight—they might notice anything you weren’t aware of.^{[3]
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- Sit somewhere quiet, journal about behaviors of yours you’ve noticed, then open up a discussion with your partner. For example, you can say, “I feel like I need a lot of reassurance and reach out to you a lot—has it been disrupting you at work?”^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Mary Church, PhD
  Research & Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.}
- Listen closely to what your S.O. says, then show sensitivity and offer a solution. You can answer with something like, “I totally see where you’re coming from. I take responsibility for the ways I’ve distracted you. I want to stick to talking to you outside of business hours.”

2

Show your partner love and appreciation.

Instead of criticism, express everything you’re grateful for.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} If you find yourself about to talk about all your frustrations, stop and breathe deeply. Your S.O. probably won’t benefit from hearing all the behaviors or situations you’re bothered by. Instead, concentrate on what you love about your partner.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} Randomly compliment them and they’ll start to see you as a really positive person.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
Association for Psychological Science
Nonprofit organization devoted promoting trustworthy research and education in the psychological sciences
Go to source}
- If you keep an upbeat attitude, your partner will want to spend more time with you.
- If you notice “green flags,” or things you like, you’ll train yourself to constantly discover what you adore about your partner.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
  Adult Counselor & Certified Hypnotherapist
  Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.}
- Your S.O. will probably start to talk about how uplifting and supportive you are.

3

Express how your partner shows up for you.

Recognize the effort they put into you. Even if you prefer a certain style of communication or any other form of validation, your S.O. is probably trying their best to make things work. Be specific about your partner’s actions and their positive intentions with comments like:^{[9]
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- “I respect that you call me every day so I have a chance to really catch up with you.”
- “I want to really honor the fact that you always come over when I’m struggling.”
- “I see how you make the time to give me a pep talk before every big presentation. I know you always want to encourage me.”

4

Tell your partner you trust them.

They’ll know you respect their integrity. Make it clear that you’ve never doubted them. Say that you’re comfortable with any of their choices, like going out with friends, because they’ll always keep your agreements in mind. Thank them for how reliable they are with remarks like:^{[10]
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- “I know you’ll always do what’s right for both of us.”
- “I know you’re super honorable, honey. I’m not worried at all.”
- “There’s no need to check up on you! I have total trust in our relationship.”

5

Focus on clear communication.

Honesty and transparency prevent any pent-up emotions. If an issue ever arises, just bring it up right away. Directly address anything you’d like to change—you’ll let your partner know what you’re a little sensitive about. ^{[11]
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Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 26 July 2021.} Stay calm and use “I” statements—you’ll have a more productive and peaceful discussion.^{[12]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Prioritize face-to-face talks. It’s easier to see each other’s body language. You can also show each other affection by hugging or holding hands.
- Just focus on your feelings instead of blaming your partner. You can say something like, “I was bummed when I didn’t go to karaoke night with your friends, too. I thought I was part of their social circle.”
- Follow up with a way to get your needs met. You can make a comment like, “I would love another chance to hang out with everyone and be a part of things!”
- Set a cut-off time for your talk and enjoy each other’s company with something low-key afterward. For example, you can cuddle and watch a silly movie.

6

Refuse to compare yourself to anyone else.

You’ll stay confident so insecurities won’t impact your relationship. Ignore social media activity and any interactions your S.O. has with anyone else—as long as your partner honors the boundaries you’ve established, your bond will always remain special. Just remember all the reasons they chose you and focus on what you share.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- Make a list of all your strengths, talents, and amazing qualities as a girlfriend.
- If you do spot anything you feel envious of, just use it as motivation. For example, someone else might make you realize you’d like to focus on your personal projects again.^{[14]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jay Reid, LPCC
  Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}
- Remember that you usually only see the best parts of another person’s life or what they’re comfortable sharing.

7

Give your partner privacy and space.

They’ll be able to focus on their own personal growth. Celebrate the days you do get with your S.O. and avoid texts or phone calls when they’re busy, have something special planned with friends, or want to focus on self-care. They’ll really value that they can enjoy their own life, and they’ll feel recharged around you.^{[15]
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- Time apart is actually really connective because it gives your partner a chance to miss you.
- Your partner will also love that they can focus on self-development and still keep you.
- Respect if your partner ever says they just want some time alone. They’ll appreciate that you’re so understanding.

8

Spend quality time with your partner.

Invest in fun and chill dates so your dynamic is energizing. After any serious talks, prioritize ways to bond or goof around with each other.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Mary Church, PhD
Research & Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.} Plan dates or activities where you can unwind. Whether you get really romantic or incredibly silly, you’ll enjoy being part of each others’ lives.^{[17]
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- If you’re spontaneous and go out a lot, you can put any stressful conversations behind you.
- Ask your partner to brainstorm with you—they might want to explore something new with you, and they’ll appreciate that you gave them a chance to make plans, too.
- You might get so swept away from all the romance that your restlessness or worries won’t bother you anymore.

9

Find fun ways to entertain yourself.

If you’re independent, you won’t need to rely on him. ^{[18]
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Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 26 July 2021.} Put a lot of activities, classes, get-togethers, and getaways on your calendar. Your partner will admire that you have a strong identity outside of your relationship, and they’ll know you can take care of yourself. They’ll be really happy for you, and they’ll appreciate that you don’t “need” them, even if they add value to your life.^{[19]
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- If you get the urge to text your partner during a time they're busy, try to research fun new hobbies or events in your area.
- Set aside whole blocks of time where you just focus on yourself and unwind with something like video games or reading.
- Congratulate yourself when you set a new goal for alone time, like spending 2 hours on an activity without reaching out to your S.O. at all.

10

Surround yourself with friends and family.

A support network gives you a lot of emotional safety.^{[20]
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Expert Source

Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 21 May 2021.} Whenever you can use some extra company but your S.O. is busy, call your buddies or favorite relatives. Make plans to catch up or have a meal together. Talk about subjects other than your partner—that’ll help you realize that there’s a lot more to focus on outside of your relationship.^{[21]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- A reliable social circle helps prevent isolation since you can’t always be around your partner.
- Actively listen and engage with your loved ones. You’ll earn their trust, learn more about them, and become a lot more curious about what’s going on with others.
- Resist complaining about your relationship—it can negatively impact your connection when you see your S.O. again. If you ever feel overwhelmed, ask the people you trust about ways to stay happy and busy.

11

Talk to a counselor about your feelings.

Create an action plan to take care of yourself and your love life. If you still find yourself repeating patterns that create distance between you and your partner, seek professional support. A therapist will be able to help you reflect on your emotional “triggers,” or reasons, why you react to certain situations.^{[22]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.} They’ll also work with you to create “coping mechanisms,” or healthy habits, to manage any stresses or insecurities.^{[23]
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- A therapist can also identify your “attachment style,” or your special way of connecting to an S.O. They’ll help you see if your past or family relationships have made it difficult to trust that your partner will stay with you.^{[24]
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- They’ll also listen to you without judgment and look at your situation from an unbiased perspective so you can understand where your S.O. is coming from.^{[25]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 21 May 2021.}

12

Make a commitment to be a supportive girlfriend.

Promise you’ll always try your best to keep your relationship healthy. Sit down with your S.O. and list out what you can do to relieve their stress and bring joy to their life. Explain that your goal is to make sure you both stay satisfied with your connection.^{[26]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- Start with something like, “I will make sure to pursue my own interests and focus on my own independence. I think it’d be most sustainable for us to see each other every other day instead of every day.”
- Then, continue with an explanation, such as, “This will let us balance our social lives and personal projects with our own connection. It’ll feel more rewarding when we come back together again.”
- Finally, end with a promise like, “I’ll keep making it a priority to put my self-growth first! That way, our relationship can stay light and fun.”