How to Speak More Positively

Co-authored by Sandra Possing and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: August 9, 2021 References

Have you ever caught yourself being so focused on the negative that all the energy drains out of a conversation? You're not alone—our brains are actually wired to hang onto negative thoughts more stubbornly than positive ones.^{[1]
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Research source} That can make it hard sometimes to speak in a positive way. However, even small changes can make a big difference in the way you speak to yourself and others.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Building a Brighter Outlook

1
Smile, even if you don't feel like it. You already know that being happy makes you smile, but did you know that smiling can actually make you happier? Even a fake smile can trick your brain into a more positive state, so whenever you feel a little down, try flashing a quick grin in the mirror.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Sandra Possing
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 15 July 2020.} You might just discover it's an easy way to get the mood boost you need!^{[3]
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- If you can, try finding something you can laugh at. That will create a true smile where your eyes are engaged, which is even more effective at boosting your mood.
2
Slow down so you can really soak up positive experiences. We're all in such a hurry these days that it can be hard to really appreciate the present. Instead of worrying about what you're going to do next, take the time to really be in the moment when you're doing something you enjoy. When you're getting the most out of the positive moments in your life, it will be easier to overcome negative thoughts and speech.^{[4]
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- For instance, if you get a blueberry muffin from your favorite bakery, put your phone down while you eat so you can really pay attention to the flavors in every bite.
- When you go on a walk, try to spot a few things you find interesting or beautiful, like changing foliage or cool architecture.
- This can be hard sometimes, but if you notice you're rushing through one of your favorite things, just remind yourself to slow down a little so you can enjoy it more.
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3
Start a daily gratitude practice. Push yourself to find things every day that make you happy. The more attention you give to things that you're thankful for, the more likely you are to notice them in your every day life.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Sandra Possing
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 15 July 2020.} Over time, this will help you have a sunnier outlook on life, which you're sure to notice in your speech.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- For instance, each night before bed, you might stop and think about something that happened that day that you're grateful for, like a stranger who was kind to you, a friend who was there when you needed them, or a really delicious lunch.
- You can also keep a gratitude journal where you write down a few things every day that make you feel thankful.^{[7]
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  Expert Source
  
  Sandra Possing
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 15 July 2020.} When things get tough, you can go back and read through your journal for a reminder of the good things in your life.
4
Focus on what can go right. When you feel apprehensive about something, you might find yourself focusing on everything that could go wrong. You might also start picturing the worst possible outcome. This is called catastrophizing, and it can actually sabotage your chances before you start. Instead of doing that, try picturing yourself succeeding—you'll have a better chance of getting the outcome you want!^{[8]
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- For example, if you're feeling nervous about the first day of school, picture yourself feeling confident, making new friends, and enjoying all of your classes.
5
Avoid thinking in terms of "always" and "never." When you're feeling down, it can sometimes be tempting to think that you will always feel that way, or that no one ever listens to you. However, words like that are hard to overcome. Instead, try to reframe them in more of a situational way.^{[9]
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- For example, instead of thinking, "My sister and I never get along," you might tell yourself, "We've been arguing a lot lately. Maybe we should spend some quality time together so we can reconnect."
6
Spend time around people who make you feel good about yourself. Unfortunately, there are always going to be people in the world who make you feel bad about yourself, whether it's intentional or not. If you find that you always leave a certain person feeling down in the dumps, try to put a little distance between you. Instead, make it a priority to hang out with people who uplift you and encourage you to think highly of yourself.^{[10]
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- Remember, you can't control what other people do, or even what they think about you. It's better to focus your energy on the positive relationships you have, instead.
- It's not always practical to cut negative people out of your life entirely, at least in the short term. For instance, you may live or work with the person. However, try to limit the time you spend around them, as much as you're able.
7
Keep trying, even if you feel discouraged. According to research, your brain doesn't respond as quickly to positive thoughts as it does to negative ones. In fact, to become more positive, you have to train yourself to have 3-5 times more positive thoughts for each negative one. Because of that, it can take a while for your attempts at positive self-talk to really take root—so be patient and don't give up!^{[11]
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- Researchers think this is because in prehistoric times, our brains needed to quickly detect and process dangerous situations. Since most of us aren't in constant physical peril these days, that same impulse just leads to anxiety and stress, but it can still be hard to overcome.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Practicing Positive Self-Talk

1
Be compassionate with yourself. When you make a mistake or fall short of a goal, it can be tempting to beat yourself up about it. However, when you tell yourself that you're not good enough or you can't do anything right, you're reinforcing that negativity in your brain. Instead, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and give yourself another chance to succeed.^{[12]
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- For example, instead of saying, "I'm a failure because I got a bad grade," you might say, "I'm disappointed that I didn't do my best on that assignment. I need to study harder next time so I can improve my grade."
- The way you feel about yourself is going to come through in everything you do. Because of that, improving your internal self-talk will impact how you speak to others, as well.^{[13]
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2
Make it a habit to reframe negative thoughts as they happen. We all have negative thoughts sometimes—it's perfectly natural. However, negativity tends to grow, and if you embrace that type of thinking, it's going to come out in the way you speak. Check in with yourself every so often, and ask yourself if there's any way to reframe your thoughts into something more positive.^{[14]
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- For instance, if you're thinking, "There's no way I'm going to get that job," you might try replacing that thought with something like, "No matter what happens, I'm so proud that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone!"
- Over time, this will actually help you have less negative thoughts.
3
Create a positive mantra that you say to yourself. Getting into the habit of saying kind words to yourself can boost your self-esteem and your overall sense of well-being. Science shows that saying positive words like "love" and "compassion" can actually lower your stress levels. On the other hand, saying negative words like "no" out loud can make you feel more stressed.^{[15]
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- To boost your self-esteem, you might say something like, "I am smart, strong, and capable," in the mirror each morning, for instance.^{[16]
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  Expert Source
  
  Sandra Possing
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 15 July 2020.}
- Visual reminders can have a similar impact on your brain. Try writing words like "Peace" or "Confidence" on sticky notes and placing them around your bedroom, workspace, or another spot you'll be sure to see them.^{[17]
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4
Imagine that you're your own best friend. Every once in awhile, check in with yourself to make sure you're not thinking badly about yourself. If your thoughts are negative, think about what you would say to your best friend if they were talking that way about themselves. What encouragement would you offer? Then, try to apply that same advice to your own thinking.^{[18]
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- For example, if you catch yourself looking in the mirror feeling bad about your reflection, give yourself a best-friend pep talk. Point out some of the features you do like about yourself, and remind yourself of all your good character traits. You could even try on some of your favorite outfits to boost your spirits!
5
Look for the silver lining in tough situations. When you're struggling, it can be tempting to magnify the worst parts or a situation. You might also polarize things, where you see them as all good or all bad. However, it's important to try your best to find some bright spot whenever you can, even if it's really hard sometimes. By intentionally focusing on something positive, it will be easier to handle some of the difficult things that happen in life.^{[19]
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- For instance, if you're feeling stressed because you're out of work, you might remind yourself things like, "I'm glad I have extra time to spend with my family right now," or "This is a good opportunity to figure out what I want to do with my life."
- It's okay if you can't find anything good about a situation right away—some things are just really awful. However, you may be able to look back later and see some small good that came out of it, especially if you make a habit of looking on the bright side when you can.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Being More Positive with Others

1
Pause before you speak so you can be more intentional. Don't be tempted to fill up silence with the first thing that pops into your mind. Instead, intentionally pause and think about what you're going to say. That can help prevent you from accidentally reacting in a negative way, even if you're feeling angry or upset.^{[20]
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- Speaking in a slow, deliberate way can help override your brain's natural inclination to think in a negative way.
2
Keep your tone of voice positive. Your words aren't the only way negativity can creep into a conversation—the way you say them has an impact, too. When you're speaking, try to listen to how you sound. If you sound annoyed, cynical, or angry, take a deep breath and try to soften your voice a little.^{[21]
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Research source
[v161163_b01]. 12 November 2019.} It will make you sound more positive, even if the conversation itself is a little unpleasant.^{[22]
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- For instance, if you're agreeing to do something you're a little reluctant about, you might feel inclined to sigh and say, "That's fine," in a grumpy tone. It makes a big difference if you smile and say, "Ok, that's fine!" nicely, instead.
3
Talk about some of the happy events in your life. When you're having a conversation with someone, don't just automatically jump into whatever bad news you heard that day. Instead, dig deep and try to think of a funny story or a sweet moment that you can share. Over time, the people around you will start to see you as someone who always brings a positive energy.^{[23]
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- For example, instead of recapping a political argument you read on social media, you might talk about a time you met a famous person, a new trick your dog learned, or one of your favorite childhood vacations.
4
Speak your mind without apologizing. If you have something to say, don't kick it off with "I'm sorry, but..." or "I don't want to bother you..." Instead, hold your head up and speak with confidence. Just try to be respectful so you don't offend the other person.^{[24]
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- Apologizing too much can make you seem less confident. That can be perceived by others as a negative trait, especially if you seem like you're down on yourself.
5
Use forward-thinking language when someone asks you for help. If somebody comes to you with a request—whether your boss needs a report done or your toddler wants a sandwich—avoid using negative language like "I can't" or "I won't." Instead, focus on what you can do, then find a way to phrase your answer in a way that moves the conversation forward.^{[25]
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- For example, if a coworker asks for your help with an important project, don't say, "I can't do that." Instead, you might say, "I think I can move some things around so I'll be free for an hour this afternoon, if that works for you," or "It will be tomorrow before I have time to work on that."
- Remember, it's okay to say "no" sometimes to avoid stretching yourself too thin! To keep things positive, try helping the person find another solution. For instance, you could say something like, "I have a full schedule this week so I'm not free to drive you to the airport tomorrow. I could give you the number of a car service I use sometimes, if you'd like!"
6
Use compliment sandwiches to give feedback. If you need to talk to someone about a behavior they should change, open the conversation with something that they do well. Mention what you'd like to see the person improve, then end by talking about how you can work together to meet that goal.^{[26]
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- This is a strategy often used by leaders in the workplace when they're giving constructive feedback to their employees. However, the same approach can be really helpful when you're dealing with kids or even your spouse.
- For instance, you might say, "Ashley, I love that you had such a great time playing blocks earlier. That tower you built was amazing. But, now you've moved on to putting together a puzzle, and the blocks are spread all over the floor. Let's work together to pick up all the blocks!"