How to Recognize When Your Ex Won't Come Back, and How to Move On

Helpful advice on knowing when and how to let them go

Written by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD | Edited by Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: March 15, 2023 References

Breakups are almost never easy, and what’s harder is the time afterward when you’re wondering if or even hoping that your ex will come back. You’re trying to read the signs, but sometimes the signs say otherwise. We get it: it sucks. But that’s why we’re here to be the friend that breaks it to you easy. These are the 20 surest signs that your ex will never come back, and also why that’s probably not a bad thing for either of you.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist and relationship coach, Sarah Schewitz, founder of Couples Learn. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

If they found someone else or seem happy with their post-breakup life, the best thing for you to do is to find your own happiness, too.
Cutting off in-person and online contact is a sign that they’re trying to make space for themselves by reducing opportunities to communicate.
Moving away or starting a new lifestyle means they’re making their best effort to move on, and you should, too, for your own sake.
Confide in close friends and family, or visit a therapist if you need help working through your emotions after a breakup.

1

They found someone else.

Your ex has started a new relationship. It might feel like a loss or even a betrayal, but more than anything it’s a sign that you ought try to move on, too.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Go Ask Alice
Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University
Go to source} If your ex was able to find someone new, then so will you. But first, take some time to yourself, gather your thoughts, talk to your friends, and center yourself. Then get back out there!

2

They’re enjoying their life.

They seem to have moved on. Few things sting quite as much as seeing them happy without you, we get it. But the best course of action to deal with an ex is to focus on making yourself happy, too.^{[2]
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Research source} You won’t accomplish anything by brooding over it, but do take all the time you need to get them out of your system.

3

They’re reinventing themselves.

A new lifestyle or look is a sure sign of moving on. When you’re with a person for so long, sometimes the only way you can make the next move is to start fresh.^{[3]
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Research source} This might mean a new haircolor, or maybe they’ve suddenly decided to try van life. Whatever it is, they’re trying their best to start over, and you owe it to yourself to start your new life, as well.

4

They don’t want to be friends.

Your ex has made it clear you can’t see each other, even platonically. This is a sign that they just don’t see a future where the 2 of you can have any sort of relationship.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
Go Ask Alice
Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University
Go to source} It hurts, but it’s their way of telling you that the both of you should make your best efforts to part ways for good.

5

They block you.

They’ve cut off contact on social media. Today, the easiest way to contact someone is on the internet, and they’ve decided to shut down that avenue. Block them right back if you need to—and their friends, as well.

6

They deleted all your photos together.

You’re gone from their social media. They’re making space in their digital life as well as in their physical life. They’re also signaling to their online friends that you’re over.^{[5]
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Research source} Do the same to help you get in the post-relationship mindset. Pro tip: some quick digital photo editing can help you erase them, but keep the memories.

7

They physically avoid you.

They hide whenever you find yourselves in a room together. It means they’re not ready for any sort of confrontation, big or small, and they may never be.^{[6]
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Research source} You don’t have to play hide-and-seek, just mind yourself and protect your own peace.

8

They act cold toward you.

People often use hostility to help themselves move on. It’s something of a coping mechanism—it’s easier to keep your distance when you’re cold to the other person. It means that they think it’s best that you don’t interact anymore, and as much as it hurts, you should respect that.^{[7]
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Research source}

9

Their communication is sparse.

Infrequent, stiff communication is a red flag. While they’re not invested enough to remain in regular contact, they may still care enough to keep some communication going. But that’s not a sign they’re willing to get back together, only a sign that they’re keeping you at arm’s length.^{[8]
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Research source} Focus your attention on yourself and the people close to you.

10

They cancel your plans together.

They’re flaking on plans, even when you’re just friends. It probably means that they’re still uncomfortable with the situation. Even if you’ve both agreed that a comeback isn’t happening, they’re worried that it might anyway, and they don’t want that. You can’t force the issue, so give yourself some space.^{[9]
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Research source}

11

They’re not curious about you.

They don’t ask about your personal life. If they’re not asking about yourself, it’s best not to dwell on it. Take this as your sign that you don’t need to be curious about their own life, either. Occupy yourself with your own hobbies, projects, and goals.

12

They avoid your friends and family.

They’re cutting themselves out of your network. Usually this means that they want to avoid awkward conversations about the 2 of you, which is understandable, but is also a sign that it’s over.^{[10]
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Research source} You don’t necessarily need to cut off all contact from their own friends and family, but respect their space if they draw that line.

13

They initiated the breakup.

Partners who initiate the breakup tend to move on more easily. Studies show that they’re more likely to feel relief or reduced anxiety, which also means they’re not likely to try to rekindle the flame. On the other hand, it’s natural to feel more negative emotions when you’re the recipient of the breakup. In these times, it’s important to look to your other sources of comfort, like friends, families, or personal passions.^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
Go Ask Alice
Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University
Go to source}

14

They’re vague about getting back together.

If they don’t already have a plan to get back together, they won’t. And you shouldn’t. People who do this aren’t able to close that door completely, but they’re also not able to walk through it again. Take control of the situation and your own life by being strong and closing the door yourself.^{[12]
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Research source}

15

They return your stuff.

When they give your things back, it’s officially over. They’re trying to remove you from their life.^{[13]
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Research source} That hurts, sure, but they’re also trying to help you return to your old self too by giving you back what’s yours. You don’t have to keep these things if you don’t want to or if they’d only hurt you—feel free to throw them out and replace them with new possessions to serve as symbols of your new life.

16

They’re moving away.

In this case, physical distance equals emotional distance. Don’t wait up, because they’re not waiting on you.^{[14]
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Research source} Don’t stress too much about it, though. Their ticket out of town is your ticket to a new, less bothered you.

17

They friend-zoned you.

They want to keep things platonic. It’s a good sign, but it’s not the good sign you think it is. They want to keep you in their life, true, but don’t count on returning to the romantic way things were^{[15]
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Research source} Take stock of whether or not keeping them around will only hurt you—if it will, explain to them that you’re not ready for a friendship like that, and that it’s time to move on.

18

You have a gut feeling.

Gut feelings are usually right. There are so many signs that you might not immediately recognize, but which build up into a vague, intangible feeling. That’s your body trying to protect you and tell you what’s best. Listen to it!^{[16]
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Research source}

19

Your mutual friends encourage you to drop it.

They can see the signs, and they want you to see them, too. Your friends have a perspective that neither of you have, and they’re trying to look out for both of you. It might be tempting to turn your back or ignore them, but they’re your friends! If they’re talking about it with you already, take advantage of the moment and work through the situation with the people you trust and who want the best for you.

20

The relationship was toxic.

Neither of you were happy, and you wouldn’t be if you got back together. It’s easy to view the relationship with rose-colored glasses, but those rose-colored glasses aren’t doing you any favors. If the relationship wasn’t working, they might have realized that already, and maybe it’s time for you to accept that, too. It can be hard to let go, but sometimes it's the best and healthiest solution for everyone involved.