13 Ways to Make an Avoidant Miss You

Written by Laura Bilotta | Edited by Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: August 18, 2022 References

Are you struggling to connect with an avoidant partner? Or maybe your ex is avoidant and you want them back. Whether your partner is pulling away or you broke up, we’ll help you draw your love back to you. We have the definitive guide to making an avoidant miss you. Additionally, we’ll help you understand avoidant attachment style, how you can make your partner feel secure, and signs your avoidant partner loves you.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach and matchmaker, Laura Bilotta. Check out the full interview here.

Section 1 of 5:

Signs of an Avoidant Attachment Style

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They withdraw when partners get close to them. They pull away from romantic partners because they’re afraid of being hurt. Since commitment scares them, they’ll run if you give them too much attention. It’s also hard for them to fully trust their partner, so they feel really insecure in relationships.^{[1]
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- People usually become avoidant because they didn’t have a secure bond with their partner or caregiver. As a result, they learned to rely on just themselves.
- Because they’re afraid of commitment, avoidants often have very short relationships.
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They are very independent and like other independent people. They do a great job of taking care of themselves, so they feel like they don’t need anyone else. If you show them a lot of affection, they may call you “needy.” However, deep down inside, they really want to make a connection with someone.^{[2]
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- Mutual independence is actually really healthy in a relationship. It’s great to have your own friends and hobbies separate from your partner.
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They seem cold because emotions make them uncomfortable. They may hesitate to open up about how they feel, and they’ll get really antsy when you share your feelings. It may seem like they’re unfeeling, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. They have emotions just like anyone else, but they haven’t learned how to express themselves.^{[3]
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- If you’re in a relationship with an avoidant, going to therapy can help you learn to communicate with each other.
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They crave love like everyone else, despite their fear of intimacy. They’re just afraid they’ll never find a good partner, so they often panic when relationships start to get serious. An avoidant can fall in love, so don’t give up on them if they’re important to you.^{[4]
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- An avoidant needs time to learn they can trust you. Once they feel secure, they’re more likely to commit to you.

Section 2 of 5:

How to Get an Avoidant to Miss You

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Give them space when they pull away. Avoidants need lots of space to feel comfortable in a relationship. Since they’re afraid of commitment, spending too much time with them will make them feel smothered. When they start to grow distant, respect their need for time apart, even though it might be hard. By giving them space, you're helping your relationship.^{[5]
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- Give them space by limiting communication and staying away from their regular haunts. Take care of yourself during this time by doing things that you love, like hanging out with friends, watching movies, or exploring your city.
- Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so let them wonder what you’re doing.
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Stop communicating with them until they reach out. You have to withdraw to make someone miss you. When you go quiet, they’ll wonder what's going on, and they’ll think about you more. Eventually, curiosity will get the better of them, and they’ll message you. Instead of texting or calling, wait for them to make the first move.
- Some people go no-contact with avoidants. However, it’s best to reply when they message you. If they feel like you don’t care about them at all, they may give up on you. Remember, they’re afraid of getting hurt.^{[6]
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Take a break from social media. Seeing your posts makes an avoidant feel like they’re communicating with you because they tend to get a lot of fulfillment from interacting with people on social media. It’s a safe way for them to get attention and belonging without getting hurt.^{[7]
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Research source} When your partner pulls away, stop posting on social media for a while. Instead, enjoy being in the present.
- Avoidants are also really careful about what they post. They’re hesitant to post about their romantic relationships because they fear both commitment and a public breakup. Posting about your relationship too soon or too much may inadvertently drive them away.
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Hang out with other people. Being with friends shows an avoidant you won’t depend on them. They want a partner who has a thriving social life so they don’t feel held down. Plus, spending time with friends is fun. Nurturing your friendships helps you have a healthier relationship overall, so schedule plans with your friends and family.^{[8]
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- Although you don’t want to post too much on social media, go ahead and post a photo of you with your friends. You want to ensure that your avoidant partner sees you out with others.
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Focus on living your best life. Avoidants want a partner who’s independent, so pursue what makes you happy. Start by practicing self care, such as exercising, eating well, and treating yourself. Additionally, work on your hobbies and invest in your interests.^{[9]
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Research source} Have some fun by:
- Learning a musical instrument.
- Taking a painting class.
- Joining a recreational sports team.
- Hiking on Saturday mornings.
- Attending an improv workshop.
- Making a short film.
- Writing a novel.
- Training for a marathon.
- Volunteering at an animal rescue.
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Act like you’ve moved on. Moving on makes you seem less attainable, which is like catnip to an avoidant. They’ll be asking themselves “did I make a mistake?” as soon as they think you’re over them. Pretend you’re moving on by focusing on the present, not on your past relationship.^{[10]
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Research source} Start working on a personal goal or go out and try something new.
- Make a single post on social media about your awesome new adventure. You might take a pic of a painting you did or the first day of you learning to play guitar. Then, go back to your social media break.
- The one caveat here is that you shouldn’t try to make an avoidant jealous by going out on dates. Remember, they’re afraid of being hurt. If they think you’re with someone new, they’ll usually give up on your relationship.

Section 3 of 5:

How to Draw an Avoidant Back to You

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Reconnect via text or social media. Keep some distance between you at first so they’re more comfortable. Social media works great because they tend to use it as a social outlet.^{[11]
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Research source} Send them a casual message or text to say “hey” and check in. Hopefully, they’ll respond back because they miss you. You could say:
- “Hey, how have you been? 😛”
- “I saw a TikTok today that made me think of you. 😆 How are you?”
- “It’s been a while! 🙃 What are you up to?”
2
Show them what they’re missing out on by looking your best. When you’re going to see them, dress to impress to catch their eye. Additionally, style your hair and walk with confidence. Just be yourself because your uniqueness is what makes you hot.^{[12]
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Research source} After they see you, they won’t be able to stop thinking about you.
- You might even change up your look a bit to draw their eye. Try a new haircut or a fun new outfit.
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By mysterious because avoidants like to unravel mysteries. One way to create mystery is to limit what you say about yourself. Share details a little at a time to keep them curious. Additionally, don’t tell them everything you’re thinking and feeling. Make them wonder what’s going on in your head.
- Be vague about what you’re doing when you’re not with them. Say, “I’m hanging out with the girls this weekend,” or “I’m taking a class this Tuesday.” Let them ask for more details before you provide them.

Section 4 of 5:

How to Make an Avoidant Feel Secure

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Compliment them because avoidants are often less confident. They also tend to struggle with criticism and are easily hurt.^{[13]
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Cleveland Clinic
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Go to source} To counteract this, tell them how amazing they are so they feel valued. Be specific about what you love about them so your compliments feel sincere. Compliment them like this:
- “You’re so smart.”
- “I love spending time with you because you’re so fun.”
- “You have the best sense of humor.”
- “You look amazing today.”
- “This color is perfect on you.”
2
Take things slow. Avoidants will shut down if they feel like you’re rushing them. Let your partner take the lead in the relationship so things progress at their pace. It might feel like you’re going nowhere sometimes, but your partner will slowly grow more comfortable in your relationship. They just need to be sure you won’t leave.^{[14]
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- If you start feeling frustrated, go out with a friend and vent about your feelings. It’s okay to be annoyed with your partner from time to time.
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Be patient with them. Avoidants need a lot of time to commit to someone. Because they’re so afraid of getting hurt, they’ll pull away and come back several times before they feel secure. Be persistent with them because that’s what they need to be secure in your relationship.^{[15]
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- Try to remember that they aren’t pulling away to hurt you. They’re just trying to protect themselves.
4
Make them feel secure by being trustworthy. Since avoidants worry about rejection, they want to know they can trust you before they’ll give you their heart. To build trust, always be there for your avoidant partner when they need someone to talk to, and make sure you follow through on what you say. Additionally, only make promises you can keep so you don’t have to let them down.^{[16]
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- Everyone makes mistakes, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you disappoint your partner occasionally. If that happens, apologize and promise to do better in the future.

Section 5 of 5:

Signs an Avoidant Loves You

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They keep coming back to you. Because they’re so independent, avoidants often prefer short-term relationships to long-term partnerships. They usually pull away when things start to feel serious.^{[17]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} If an avoidant keeps coming back to you, it’s likely that they really love you. They’re just nervous about letting their guard down.
- An avoidant can get into a serious relationship, but it takes time. It might help for you to go to couple’s counseling together.
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They’re affectionate with you in public. Because they’re uncomfortable with commitment, avoidants don’t show very much affection, especially in front of others.^{[18]
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Research source} When an avoidant starts showing affection, it means they really care about you. Holding your hand in public might not seem like a lot, but it means something to them. If they hug or kiss you in public, they’re probably really into you.
3
They open up about how they feel. Avoidants are super uncomfortable with emotions and tend to avoid them.^{[19]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} When they really care about you, they’ll have serious conversations with you, even if they're nervous. They may not be gushy or overly loving, but they’ll try to connect with you.
- Avoidants tend to say “I love you” less often, and their tone may sound unemotional. Despite that, they really mean it.