How to Pick Up a Girl

There are plenty of men who are good at picking up girls, but they often aren't good at explaining how they do it. This guide is designed to help even the unluckiest (straight) guy understand some of the basic principles of the dating game and develop an approach that will help him hear the word “yes” a lot more often when asking a girl out for the first time.

Method 1
Method 1 of 5:

The Very Basics

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    Broaden your horizons. Don't get sucked in to thinking that you can find girls only to date when you're out at a party or at the bar or pub. You never know where or when you might meet a girl who would be open to a night out with you if you play your cards right. The saying “there are plenty of fish in the sea” reflects this fact. If you want to find a girl to pick up, keep your eyes open everywhere you go: at work, in cafes, on the street, pretty much anywhere public. That being said, there are a couple of important things to keep in mind:[1]
    • A supermarket pickup is a hard sell. Most people don't go to the grocery store or the bank because they are hoping to find romance, which is why the conventional wisdom rightly suggests that bars, clubs, and parties are the best places to meet potential dates. Do not expect a good response if you try picking up girls in places they have to go because life demands it.
    • Instead, consider open-air markets, cafes, and other places people go because they want to be out. It is likely that girls in such places will be at least somewhat more receptive to meeting new people, since they are not on important business.
    • Unless you are hoping to become some sort of Don Juan (note: you will not succeed if this is your plan), perform a “ring test” before hitting on anyone. Is the girl wearing a band or diamond-set ring on either ring finger (or both)? If so, she is likely married (left hand) or engaged to be married (right hand). Respect that and leave her alone.
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    Understand the (straight) male-female dynamic. This varies widely from country to country, but generally speaking, there is a clear paradigm in the Western world (that is, Europe, Australia, and North America) that defines what men and women find attractive in the opposite sex. It's actually very complicated, but at the most basic level, it works like this: Women are primarily attracted to social power and influence; men are primarily attracted to fertility and health (which is why Western culture is obsessed with making women look youthful).
    • There is a whole universe of things that men can do to suggest social power and thus become more attractive. Consider developing a strong sense of style or a clever sense of humor. Physical wealth is a strong display of social power, which is why some guys maintain beautiful cars even though they're otherwise living in poverty. Think about how you can accentuate your life to emphasize your own strengths.
    • The most basic and perhaps most useful way to show that you have social power is to be confident. By demonstrating an ability to speak and act in a self-assured manner, you can show that you have nothing to fear from other men, which makes you seem relatively powerful. This is why it is often said that confidence is everything in the dating world. Become confident, and the rest of the pickup game boils down to details; fail to exhibit confidence, and you will always struggle to get dates.[2]
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    Be yourself, but be your best self. It's important that you avoid being fake. Women are very perceptive and will not take you seriously if you're disrespecting them by pretending to be someone or something you're not. On the other hand, women aren't looking for a mess to clean up, either. One of the greatest benefits of a long-term relationship is having the freedom to share your worries and fears with someone who loves you, but right now, you aren't in a long-term relationship - you're washing laundry next to someone with a cute smile and a funny T-shirt. Don't lose perspective. The pickup is your chance to show off all there is to like about you, not an excuse to start unloading on a girl who was nice enough to listen.[3]
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    Perfect your body language. Body language is more than just standing with a straight back and making eye contact: it's the whole package, everything you do to communicate that isn't the words coming out of your mouth.[4] Body language is the primary way that human beings communicate emotional states to each other, making it an all-important “language” to learn if you want to be at the top of your dating game. The rules of thumb are as follows:[5]
    • More eye contact is better than less eye contact.
    • Smile whenever you make eye contact. Don't look away until you've smiled.
    • Don't stare. Try to keep your eyes from glancing at a woman's body if you're talking to her.
    • Adopt an open stance: legs and arms uncrossed, shoulders back, head level. This makes you appear confident, relaxed, and receptive.
    • Don't mumble. Speak clearly and without hesitation.
    • Lean in slightly to the person you're interested in when you speak to her. Bringing your head slightly forward is fine if you're seated.
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    Never forget: body language is powerful, but it's not always clear. For example, people tend to touch the parts of themselves they think are attractive when they are attracted to someone. A girl who keeps touching her lips or chest with one hand as she talks to you might be interested; then again, she could just be itchy. Take any cues you think you see with a grain of salt.
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    Learn this mantra: do or die. If a girl was attracted to you, wouldn't you want her to let you know now instead of three years from now? Girls feel the same way. This is why slowly trying to win over a woman's heart by ingratiating yourself to her never seems to work: women want a man who will come right out and say how he feels.[6] If he really is interested enough to want a date, he should be willing to risk rejection for the sake of the chance.
    • Even women who are very attracted to you won't wait around for you to ask them out forever. They'll either decide that you aren't attracted to them and give up, or that you aren't attractive because you were never brave enough to ask for a date.
    • When you feel attracted to a girl, if you don't ask her out the same day you realize you want to date her, assume you have around a month at most to make your intentions known. Don't wait for a perfect moment.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 5:

Picking Up a Girl

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    Have a line ready. Start by knowing the first thing you're going to say to the girl you have your eye on before you say it. It doesn't have to be anything especially exciting – just an invitation to talk. Try bringing up the weather if you're outside, or the decor if you're somewhere indoors. At a party, bring up something about the party or ask how she met the host or hostess. Just have a starting line picked out before you begin.
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    Build the conversation. If your prompt elicited a cold response, you have two options: give up or go straight to a flirt and hope for the best. If, on the other hand, the girl responded warmly to you, it's time to let your conversational skills shine.[7]
    • Talking to someone you've only just met is challenging for both of you. If you make it easier for her she'll appreciate it. Try offering a few opinions on something inconsequential, such as the music in the background. Keep it honest, and see how she responds. Listen to what she says and ask her for more details about her opinion.[8] By putting yourself out there first, you are making it safe for her to follow suit and agree or disagree with your opinion.
    • Try not to turn the conversation into an interview, asking things like: “What do you do?” “Where do you live?” “Where did you go to school?” in rapid succession. Instead, turn such questions into statements (like "You look like you're from Rome" or "I bet you're an event planner"). You'll seem bolder and give her room to respond more naturally, which will help her relax and enjoy the talk.
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    Use humor. Humor is universal, and finding someone who appreciates your personal sense of humor is a great feeling. On the other hand, someone who lets your jokes fall flat is probably neither interested in you nor worth pursuing, which makes humor a great way to test the waters without being awkwardly upfront about it.[9]
    • Even if you think your sense of humor is too quick, subtle, or strange for most people to appreciate or understand, unleash it during your conversation. If the girl you're talking to is interested, she'll hang on your jokes and laugh at them even when other people don't.
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    Keep compliments subtle. Whatever compliments you make should come up naturally. The key to a good conversation is to talk about things you both feel comfortable discussing. When you find a way to give her a compliment or a flirt that doesn't break the flow of the conversation, go for it; otherwise, keep your pickup lines to yourself.[10]
    • The only possible responses a woman can give to a blatant compliment are to agree with it (in which case she seems full of herself), disagree (in which case she seems embarrassed), or throw the compliment back at you, which is generally unlikely, especially early on in the conversation. It's more important to show that you're fun company than it is to explicitly state that you find her attractive, which should already have been obvious from the fact that you came over and started running your game on her.
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    Show your spine. Girls like a guy who is secure and comfortable in his own skin. Never shy away from answering questions about yourself honestly. Most girls prefer the guy who builds robots in his basement and has the moxie to say so with a smile over the guy who acts ashamed or embarrassed about it.
    • Don't be afraid to make gentle criticisms (making them in the form of questions, as in “but isn't that kind of silly?” is a good way to do this) or gentle jokes at her expense, as long as you don't make very many. Girls appreciate it when a guy seems interested but not dazzled, because it means he's less likely to become too attached too quickly and make things uncomfortable for them. On the other hand, someone who's constantly making mean jokes at her expense is just going to seem rude and childish.
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    Ask for her number. When it's time to wrap up the conversation, cut things off on a high note and ask for her number. Say that you're having a great time, but it's time for you to head back home/off to work/whatever you were planning to do next. If she says she doesn't want to give you her number, be gracious and wish her a good rest of the day. If you do get her number, call within a day or two and see about scheduling a date for the weekend.[11]
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    Prepare for a first date. The best first dates are those that do not require a lot of silent time together. Avoid concerts and movies. Instead, suggest something that will give you both room to talk, and which does not cost a lot of money. Have an idea and a couple of alternates ready ahead of time; most women prefer it when the man decides on the date.[12]
    • If you have a guess about something out of the ordinary that you think she'll appreciate, such as renting a paddle boat, suggest that; otherwise, stick to lunch, coffee, or drinks somewhere. All of these options provide plenty of opportunities for uninterrupted conversation and (if you're lucky) a first kiss.
    • Offer to pay for the first date, but don't insist on it. Some women find the notion that a man should pay for every date insulting, and will prefer to split costs with you or pay their own way. Whatever your date prefers, go along with it.[13]
    • Give her some space. This is a first date, not a marriage contract. Once you've settled on a time and place, don't call her again until it's time to meet. You'll have plenty of time to talk then.
    • If she calls and asks to reschedule, give her the benefit of the doubt – after all, if she wanted to reject you, she could already have done so before now. Be patient and flexible.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 5:

Picking Up a Friend

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    Understand the risks. This is a delicate situation at best, but remember that your friend is unlikely to stop wanting to be your friend just because you asked her out, even if she doesn't want to go on a date. The bigger problem is likely to come from you, as you try to move on from asking her. If all your hopes and dreams are hinging on getting a date with your friend, you are probably in for a lot of disappointment.[14]
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    Wait until you have some time alone. This can potentially save you a lot of embarrassment in front of mutual friends. If your friend has half as much respect for you as you have for her, she won't embarrass you about it after the fact. If she does cause a scene, she wasn't worth it anyway.
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    Ask her out simply. Don't declare your love – just ask her to come on a date with you.[15] It may very well be that you do love your friend, but saying it won't change anything because it doesn't give her any concrete reason to consider dating you. It's better to keep your feelings on the down low and treat your offer like any other.
    • Make sure you're very clear that you're asking for a romantic date, and not just a time to hang out. Hiding or muddling your intentions won't help anything.
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    Exercise restraint. No matter what the result of your offer to take your friend on a date, the onus of responsibility is on you to be mature and graceful. If she says yes, that's great – but it's still no time to unload anything on her. After all, you haven't even gone on a first date yet. If she says no, don't take out your disappointment on her, either. Instead, excuse yourself (she'll understand) and go home to mourn in private.
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Method 4
Method 4 of 5:

Picking Up a Coworker

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    Understand the risks. Unlike a classroom setting, the chances that you will have to work closely with a girl you ask out, regardless of whether or not she agrees to date you, is much higher in the workplace. You can't just request another partner or wait for the semester to end, and neither can she. As long as you understand the risks to your comfort level (and hers) if things don't go as planned, you can take steps to minimize those risks and ensure that your work life will continue to be bearable no matter what happens.[16]
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    Don't poop where you eat. This old adage (in any of its many colorful variations) is considered timeless for a good reason. The closer you are to someone outside of your dating life, the more likely it is that dating or otherwise pursuing that person will eventually lead to drama and misery. At work, this means you're better off trying to pick up a girl you don't work with very closely or very often, if you can help it at all.
    • If you work at a large business like a department store or a major business office, try to focus on picking up girls who work in other departments than your own. That way, no matter how things pan out, both of you will be able to come to work with minimal awkwardness afterward.
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    Be respectful. Obviously, respect is an important component of any (realistic) dating strategy, but in the workplace, you must be especially conscious of it. Think about it from the girl's perspective: She's there because she needs a job, not because she thought there were a lot of cute boys behind the counter when she was job hunting. Anything that makes her job more stressful is going to ripple throughout her life, because she can't afford to just stop showing up on account of one uncomfortable exchange with a coworker. Never put a girl in the position of dreading work more than she already would have before you asked her out.
    • Be brief, be polite, and if you are rejected, don't press the issue or otherwise bother her afterward. Even if you think you're being friendly, chances are she's not going to appreciate you continuing to step into her sphere after she already said no. Give her plenty of space.
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    Be discreet. A lot of employers frown on workplace romance, because it is often accompanied by lost productivity and conduct violations (ranging from overlong cigarette breaks to inappropriate breakup arguments and more). If you're going to pursue a woman at work, don't spread your intentions around.[17]
    • As long as work continues more or less the same as it did yesterday, your bosses won't personally mind one bit if you try to pick up a girl on the job, or even end up regularly dating her. Just remember: the workplace is for work first; everything else is a secondary concern, no matter how interesting or important it might seem to you.
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Method 5
Method 5 of 5:

Picking Up a Girl On the Road

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    Understand the travel romance dynamic. Maybe you're in town for a family reunion and you just aren't feeling it, so you've found yourself at a diner drinking coffee next to a cute girl. Maybe you're on a trip across the country by bus before you settle down, just to see what's out there. Picking up a girl while you're traveling is fine, as long as you remember to keep it light, be straightforward, and live in the moment. Approaching it like a normal pick up will only frustrate both of you.
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    Be upfront. If you feel as though you have to lie or omit information to pick up a girl, you're wrong. It won't do either of you any good to pretend. Besides, some women find the idea of a date with someone who's “just passing through” intriguing or exciting, because there are likely to be no strings attached. You won't know until you make it clear that you're in that situation.
    • Traveling also makes for an interesting topic of conversation, so you probably won't have to try very hard to find things to talk about. Just mention that you're just visiting for a few days, and ask a question about the local area. Most girls will be happy to answer with their opinion on it, and just like that the conversation will be rolling along.
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    Be quick. You don't have time to be shy or demure. You want a date, a night out with someone you've just met and are unlikely to see again. The girl won't know you feel that way if you just try to “warm up” to her all night. Instead of getting her number, suggest that she come on a date with you now, before you're gone. Ask her for ideas on where to go, and offer to pay the tab (as usual). The key to picking up a girl for a short-term fling is to show her what you want (a fun night out together) and go for it right away.
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    Be faithful. If you have someone waiting for you at home, don't pursue anyone else while you're away. It's cowardly and unfair, and it will weigh heavily on your conscience long after the fact. Imagine how you would feel if you knew that your girlfriend had a hot weekend with some random townie from five states away at her last family reunion, while you were sitting alone and missing her company the whole time. No momentary impulse or minor crush is worth jeopardizing the relationship you already have.
    • If you believe you're ready to end that relationship, do the right thing and end it first. Don't sneak around behind your girlfriend's back like some kind of spineless weasel. Once you're officially single, you'll have plenty of chances to fool around with other girls.[18]
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Warnings

  • Avoid seeming needy or insecure. Such things won't help your chances. Girls aren't looking for a wounded animal to nurse back to health – they're looking for a pleasant, stable guy to have a good time with. Remember that simply wanting something from someone else does not constitute a valid reason for that person to give it to you. Give her some good solid reasons instead.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
  • Watch where your eyes are. DO NOT stare at any part of a woman's body, especially while she is talking to you. Remember, looking at her while she talks and staring at her face are two different things. Staring is to be avoided.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
  • The advent of the so-called “pickup artist” in recent years has led to the rise of an attitude towards picking up girls that is misogynistic and focused on the short term. Methods that embody this attitude generally boil down to being brash and playing the odds until you get lucky and snag a date. It is best to avoid such tactics, as they are disrespectful to women, and next to useless in terms of securing meaningful relationships.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References

  1. ↑ https://brobible.com/life/article/places-to-pick-up-women/
  2. ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/confidence/gaining-confidence-women/
  3. ↑ https://www.datingmetrics.com/how-to-pick-up-girls/
  4. ↑ Patti Novak Williams. Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.
  5. ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/art-of-dating/attract-women-body-language/
  6. ↑ Patti Novak Williams. Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.
  7. ↑ Patti Novak Williams. Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.
  8. ↑ Patti Novak Williams. Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.
  9. ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/art-of-dating/charm-women-humor/
  1. ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/art-of-dating/pick-girl-gym/
  2. ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/art-of-dating/ask-number/
  3. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/first-date-tips/
  4. ↑ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/who-should-pay-on-a-first-date_n_5a94553ee4b01f65f5991138
  5. ↑ https://www.themodernman.com/dating/how-to-ask-out-a-friend.html
  6. ↑ Patti Novak Williams. Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.
  7. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/lisaroepe/2018/03/24/here-are-5-questions-to-ask-before-dating-a-co-worker/#7100258d58a6
  8. ↑ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-ask-a-coworker-out-date_n_5a53ba3ce4b0efe47ebb8a05
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201703/5-bad-ways-and-5-good-ways-end-relationship

About This Article

Patti Novak Williams
Co-authored by:
Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
This article was co-authored by Patti Novak Williams. Patti Novak Williams is a Professional Matchmaker in Las Vegas, Nevada. With over 20 years of experience, Patti specializes in working with clients one on one to help them find love. She has helped match hundreds of couples, engagements, and marriages. Patti was the star of the critically acclaimed A&E series “Confessions of a Matchmaker.” She has been featured in the New York Times, the New York Daily News, the New York Post, and The Wall Street Journal, and has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, TODAY with Hoda and Kathy Lee, The Rachael Ray Show, CBS’ The Early Show, CNN, The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch, The Nate Berkus Show, and Fox’s The Morning Show With Mike & Juliet. Patti published a book in 2008 with Random House titled “Get Over Yourself!: How to Get Real, Get Serious, and Get Ready to Find True Love.” This article has been viewed 2,384,049 times.
24 votes - 67%
Co-authors: 141
Updated: September 12, 2021
Views: 2,384,049
Categories: Getting a Date
Article SummaryX

To pick up a girl, start by knowing the first thing you’re going to say to her, which can be simple small talk about the weather or decor. For example, if you're at a party, you might say "How do you know the host?" If she receives your opening line warmly, try giving an honest opinion about something unimportant, like the music playing in the background, to make it safe for her to agree or disagree with you. As the conversation wraps up, tell her that you’re having a great time and ask for her phone number. If she doesn't want to give you her number, accept her decision gracefully. However, if she gives you her number, call in the next day or two to schedule a date. To learn how to pick up a friend, keep reading!

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