Step-by-Step Instructions for Shooting Your Shot with Gay Guys

Learn how to approach and flirt with gay guys at clubs, bars, or other venues

Co-authored by Imad Jbara and Dev Murphy

Last Updated: December 21, 2022 References

Gaining Confidence

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Making a Move

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Getting His Number

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Q&A

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Tips

Meeting gay guys is hard. First you have to determine if the guy you're interested in is gay or straight. Then you have to approach him and strike up a conversation. And that's assuming you have the confidence to walk up to an attractive stranger! Luckily, it all gets easier with practice. We’ve developed a handy guide to walk you through picking up gay men at clubs, bars, or other venues where you’re likely to meet them. Before you know it, walking up to that cute guy at the bar won't be a problem.

Things You Should Know

Pump yourself up before going out. Strike a confident pose in the mirror, put on an outfit you feel attractive and comfortable in, and relax to remove some of the pressure.
Approach guys you’re into, or, if you don’t feel confident enough to make a move, give yourself permission to sit on the sidelines. But be prepared to be flirted with!
Be friendly and funny when you talk to guys, but above all, be genuine. People respond to sincerity.
Keep your head held high if you strike out, and don’t take it personally. It happens to everyone. It’ll get easier over time!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Gaining Confidence

1
Strike a pose to improve your self-esteem. Before you go out, stand in front of the mirror and take a wide stance with your hands on your hips. Think Superman or Wonder Woman. Studies show that assuming what's known as a "power stance" can improve your confidence. These changes in posture can give you a mental "boost."^{[1]
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- Try the "victory" pose. Put your arms in a "V" over your head.^{[2]
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- Stretch out in your seat or cross your legs and put your hands behind your head.
- Hold these poses for about 2 minutes before going out to the bars (or doing anything stressful).
2
Spend time on your appearance. This isn't to say that you can only attract a guy if you look good. Rather, this is about making yourself feel good. If you feel good, you'll have more confidence.
- Try dressing in clothes that you want to see yourself in. If you've always wanted to wear a suit, go out in a suit. The point is to wear something you associate with power and confidence.^{[3]
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- Think about other qualities you want to have when you're looking in the mirror, even if they're not physical qualities. For example, maybe you want to be more charismatic or funny. Once you identify things you want to improve, you can start practicing.^{[4]
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  Imad Jbara
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.}
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Focus on the guys you want, not on how they’ll perceive you. It can be easy to fall into a black hole of “What if I’m not good enough?” But remember, you don’t want to impress every guy at the bar: you want to find the guy that impresses you. Before heading out to the venue, ask yourself what kind of guy you’d like to focus on and hope to attract.^{[5]
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Continue to practice being confident. Remember becoming confident is a skill like anything else. It takes practice and time, so don't expect it to happen overnight. The more you stick with it, and the more you put yourself out there, the more confident you’ll become.^{[6]
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Imad Jbara
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.}
- It’s a common misconception that you have to be confident to seem confident, but in reality, when it comes to confidence, most of us fake it ‘til we make it. If you pretend to be confident, eventually, you’ll start to feel confident.
- Anyway, even if you pretend to be confident, most people won’t know the difference. They’ll just see a guy with great self-esteem and want to be around him!

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Making a Move

1
Go to a place where you can meet gay men. While it is possible to meet and pick up gay men at any old bar, you'll have more luck if you go to a gay bar. Not every guy in the place will be gay, but the numbers are in your favor.^{[7]
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- Don't feel obligated to stick to gay bars. If you want to go to a bunch of different clubs in an evening, feel free to do so. The world is a more progressive place than it was in the past, but be careful. Some guys may not appreciate if you question their sexuality.^{[8]
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- There are also loads of apps for meeting gay guys nowadays. Try Grindr, Adult Friend Finder, or Tinder to meet gay or bi people looking to hook up, or OK Cupid or Hinge if you’re interested in making a deeper connection.
2
Approach guys that interest you. You might have to approach a lot of men to get a response. That’s common, so don’t feel bad. If you want to meet guys, you have to put yourself out there.
- Make sure you're in the mood to flirt and be flirted with, but you don't have to approach a man every time you go out.
- Don't hit on every single guy you find attractive. You'll come across as disingenuous, and it may hurt your chances of meeting someone.
3
Skip the pickup lines in favor of something more genuine. Start with a simple "hello," or even a smile. Using a pickup line is bound to get you ignored, or worse, laughed at.
- This doesn't mean cracking jokes or spouting off a witty one-liner is out of the question. Quite the contrary: if it's original and you're saying it honestly, go for it.^{[9]
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- “Hi, how’s it going?”
- “Hey, what’s your name?”
- “Hello, you look like you’re having a good time! Can I join you?”
4
Initiate friendly conversation. Once you've approached your guy, just start talking. Try to let the conversation happen flow naturally and just keep it simple. Don't try too hard to seduce him.
- Don't play games. If you like the guy you're talking to, then let him know you're into him.^{[10]
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- “You’ve got some great dance moves!”
- “I love that outfit!”
- “You’re really cute, and I’d like to keep talking to you if that’s OK!”
5
Talk about shared experiences. If you're dancing at a club, talk about other places you like to go dancing. Invite him along. Keep the conversation fun and easy. While it's good to ask questions, don't interrogate him. Let the conversation happen naturally.^{[11]
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- “Are you from the area?”
- “This is my favorite song! Do you know this band?”
- “Have you been here before? Do you have any plans after this?”

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Getting His Number

1
Make sure he likes you. You don't have to come right out and ask him, but you can—or you can let him know how you feel and see how he reacts. Pay attention to his body language also. If he's following your body with his, and maintaining eye contact, it's pretty clear he likes you.^{[12]
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- Prolonged conversation is another good sign. If he doesn't look distracted and isn't trying to find ways to get away from you, assume he's interested.
- “I gotta say, I’ve really enjoyed talking to you tonight.”
- “It’s been great meeting you and I hope we can keep talking!”
- “I feel really lucky I decided to come here tonight!”
2
Ask for his number. Be simple and direct. No need to dance around the topic or make a big deal about it. Ask him out for coffee, ask him to go dancing. Just make sure you keep talking once you have his number so you don't give him the impression you view flirting as an endgame.^{[13]
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- Better yet, ask him if he’d like your number. This makes you come across more genuinely interested and it gives folks who might be wary of handing out their number an out: if they don’t want to text you, they don’t have to.^{[14]
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- Prepare yourself for the eventuality that some guys may say "no" when you ask to exchange numbers. Even if you had a nice conversation, they may not want to move things further. That's OK. Everyone encounters rejection. Don't let it scare you away.^{[15]
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- “Do you think I could get your number? I’d love to text you later.”
- “Maybe we could exchange numbers and go out some time?”
- “Can I give you my number? Maybe you could shoot me a text if you want to go out sometime.”
3
Follow up with him afterward. You don't have to ask every guy you talk to for his number. But if you've gone through the trouble of approaching a guy and you end up getting his number, text him. Invite him out for that coffee, or let him know you'll be going out with your friends. He may want to join.
- There’s no hard and fast rule about how long to wait before texting someone, but if you wait too long, you risk losing the momentum you had with this guy when you met—or worse, he might think you're playing games.^{[16]
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- It's possible that he won't respond to you, or that if he does, you'll find that the two of you don't have much in common, or the attraction isn't there anymore. Either way, be respectful.
- “Hey, it’s Dan from the other night! It was so great meeting you. What are you up to?”
- “What’s up! It’s Clay from last night. I’ve been thinking about you!”
- “Hi, it’s Amal from yesterday! How’s it going?”

Community Q&A

Question

A friend has been flirting with me lately. I am interested but don't want to be the fool if I read the signals wrong. I'd like to be with him but don't know what to say or do to show him I am interested.

wikiHow Staff Editor
Staff Answer
This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

wikiHow Staff Editor

Staff Answer

You can try flirting back and see if he responds to it, or you can be direct and tell him how you feel. It might be awkward if he doesn't feel the same way, but if he's a good friend, he'll be understanding about it, and the awkwardness will likely fade with a little time. It's hard to put yourself out there, but it's better than not knowing. Good luck!
Question

How do l ask if he would like to have sex?

wikiHow Staff Editor
Staff Answer
This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

wikiHow Staff Editor

Staff Answer

You can always ask him directly if he'd like to go home with you (or be a bit subtler and try "Want to get out of here?"). He might be up for it, but he also might turn you down, so make sure you've got a thick skin!
Question

All the guys that show interest in me are the complete opposite of my type but all the guys that I show interest in don't show any interest in me. Am I cursed?

wikiHow Staff Editor
Staff Answer
This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

wikiHow Staff Editor

Staff Answer

That's a pretty common experience, though it can be frustrating! It's possible you're more confident and open around guys you aren't into because you feel less anxiety around them, and confidence is a turn-on for a lot of people.