How to Overcome a Fear of Sex

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: February 17, 2023 References

A sexual encounter is loaded with potential for positive and negative results. Inexperience, lack of knowledge, or a history of sexually related difficulties may be escalating your fear of engaging in sexual activity. Women and men share certain fears, but have unique issues to address as well. Knowledge, self-help strategies and professional assistance will help you break free of your fear.

Things You Should Know

Make a plan to address your fear. It might include identifying and challenging your negative thoughts, studying anatomy, or seeking out a sex therapist.
Communicate your feelings and be open about your emotions, especially when you’re working through your fears with a partner.
Try to relax and find fun in sex. It’s meant to be enjoyable, so explore lightening the mood with playfulness.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Breaking Free of Fear

1
Face your fear. Determine what you are afraid of and challenge it. When it comes to being fearful of sex, you need to know what has caused you to be afraid. Identifying specific fears will help you focus on finding a solution.
- Sit down and make a list of the things you fear about sex. For example, you may not know how to approach the subject, you might be afraid of doing something wrong, or you're embarrassed of how you look naked.
- Challenge your fears by listing possible solutions to resolve your fears. For example, if you don't know how to approach the subject with someone, ask a trusted friend how they do it, or find someone who does it well and model his behavior. Even watching a romantic movie might help.
- If you are afraid of doing something wrong, you need to study the subject and figure out what techniques work best for you. Preparation and knowledge will lessen any fear.
2
Educate yourself on human anatomy and physiology. The structure and function of the human body have been studied for centuries. There are volumes of information you can refer to if you are unaware of some or all parts of the female or male anatomy.
- If your fear is related to not knowing enough about a woman's and man's external genitalia, then it is time to get educated.
- The female genitalia includes: the vagina, a tubular organ connecting the genitals with the uterus; the uterus, a hollow muscular organ where a fetus grows during pregnancy; the vulva includes all the visible external aspects (mons pubis, labia majora, labia minora, clitoris, urethra, vaginal vestibule, perineal body); glans, the tip of the clitoris that is a highly sensitive organ.
- The male genitalia includes: the penis, cylindrical mass of penile tissue; the testes, oval, glandular organs contained inside the skin pouch called the scrotum; glans, the structure at the tip of the penis.
- The four stages of sexual response are: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and refractory period.
- An orgasm is a genital reflex governed by the nerves in the spinal cord and is experienced differently by women and men.
- Once you understand the basic structure and function of relevant body parts, you will feel more in command of yourself and your fears about sexual activity.
3
Make a plan of action. Most fears are conquered by devising a plan of action. Overcoming a fear of sex is no exception. Identify what your main objectives are, set up steps to take and follow your plan.
- Make a list of the things you fear. Is your fear related to the possible sexual encounter you might have during a date? Therefore, does the thought of asking someone on a date scare you? Are you concerned with looking good, having bad breath, or sweating too much?
- Approach your dilemma one step at a time. For example, if you are afraid to ask someone on a date, start by first asking a stranger what time it is. Although you won't be asking the person on a date or to have a sexual encounter, you will gain experience approaching someone and asking them a question. This is the first step toward your goal.
- Working toward a solution will help lessen your fear. Creating a plan of action helps you feel like you can do something to improve your situation.
4
Practice. To overcome a fear of sex you need to gradually work your way through the process. Research indicates that overcoming a fear is aided when a person faces the fear in an imagined situation or a live experience. Developing a positive habit is the desired goal.^{[1]
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- Learn how to please yourself. Determine what feels good to you by touching yourself, imagining an interaction with someone, or using sexual accessories designed to arouse.
- With a willing participant, build your experience over time in the areas of communicating your feelings, holding hands, kissing, massage, sexual touching and eventually intercourse. Do not pressure yourself into doing too much too soon. This may only add to the fear you are feeling.
5
Be open with your emotions. When communicating with someone you care about be kind and caring and show them you are emotionally open. Sex is an emotional experience, so be mindful of this when speaking and when spoken to.
- If you are physically or emotionally uncomfortable in any way, tell the person you are with and take the time you need to get to a place of comfort. For example, if you feel rushed or physically ill say, “I've got to stop right here. I'm not comfortable.”
- Avoid jumping into sexual situations too quickly. The results could be dangerous. You can still be emotionally open with someone and show discretion about how far you will allow yourself to be involved.
6
Remember to have fun. Sexual interactions are supposed to be enjoyable so relax and engage in the excitement of it all. Focusing on having fun will distract you from being fearful.
- Lightening the mood during a sexual encounter will allow you to feel free. For example, be playful and silly and laugh at yourself. It will set you both at ease.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Tackling a Man's Concerns

1
Address your physical functioning. The human body is amazing. Yours is unique and needs to be taken care of so you will have confidence with your sexual abilities. Eating right, getting an appropriate amount of sleep, and exercising will help you maintain great health and a positive sense of yourself.^{[2]
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Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
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- Certain drugs^{[3]
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  Research source} and alcohol will affect your physical functioning. Avoid them to eliminate lingering fear.
- If you do have difficulty getting and maintaining an erection, see a doctor who is specifically trained to manage these issues.
- Erectile dysfunction is usually attributed to a poor blood supply to the penis. Eating foods that promote good vascular health and following a healthy-heart related plan may help the condition. A diet high in vegetables and fruits, whole grains, fiber, lean meats, and low-fat dairy products is recommended.^{[4]
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2
Relax your expectations to improve performance. Placing undue pressure upon yourself does not work to your advantage. If you have a fear of not being able to perform and meet your partner's needs, then you must adjust your mindset.
- Men tend to be competitive about many things in life, which isn't always healthy.^{[5]
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  Research source} It becomes a problem when it causes you so much stress during a sexual encounter that you are more focused on “winning” than on enjoying each other's company. Being overly focused on winning indicates you seek high levels of external validation.^{[6]
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- Shift your thinking toward the sharing aspects of your interaction. This will move your focus from yourself to the experience itself and your partner.
- Don't judge yourself. Your self-worth is not dependent upon your sexual performance. You are an entire person with many positive qualities and abilities. Don't let one aspect of your life define you.
- Write a list of some of your positive attributes, and how they benefit you and the people around you.
3
Improve your emotional vocabulary. It is a common struggle to figure out how you feel and communicate it clearly to someone. Frustration can set in when you don't know what you feel. You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing or not saying what you really mean.
- Start by writing about the feelings you are having.^{[7]
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  Research source} Writing helps to organize your thoughts about your fears and clarifies what you are feeling. Your writing doesn't have to be perfect. The important thing to do is to pull your emotions up from your subconscious to acknowledge them, and then you can process them.
- If there is something you want to tell someone, rehearse it ahead of time. Visualize yourself meeting with the person and having a good conversation.
- Don't feel pressured to give your feelings a label. You don't need to give everything a perfect name in order for it to be real. Perhaps you feel a little unsteady and a bit nervous and excited, but a little nauseous at the same time. This may translate to feeling love or infatuation for someone. It can be confusing.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Addressing a Woman's Concerns

1
Make sure you are safe. A woman's primary concern when engaging in any sexual activities is her safety. Taking precautions will help alleviate your fears toward being emotionally or physically harmed. Whether you have a fear of getting pregnant, of losing your virginity, or your parents finding out, securing your safety will help manage all of them.
- You have control over your body. Avoid those things that cause you to lose control like alcohol or drugs.
- Make sure you feel comfortable and are ready for sexual activity.
- Always make sure someone knows where you are when there is a potential to engage in sexual activity with someone.
- Guard against pregnancy by using a form of birth control. The fear of getting pregnant can motivate you to make good choices.
2
Don't compare yourself to others. Competing or comparing yourself to others in a group can be dangerous. Becoming sexually active is a turning point for everyone. You must resist the pressures of trying to fit in or make someone like you by offering sexual favors.
- Your sexual development is a very personal and unique part of your life. It is your experience so you must take ownership of it. Don't allow others to negatively influence your decisions. You must learn to set boundaries with confidence, which will help fight off any fears you have.^{[8]
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- For example, someone shows you a lot of attention and you end up dating. Your affection grows for the person, but not as fast as the person would like. They say to you, “I'm really interested in a lot of people and I thought we would be having sex by this point. When are we going to have sex? Don't you like me?”
- An effective response would be, “I like you a lot and I'm enjoying the fact that we are getting closer. I appreciate that you've been patient with me. However, my choice to have sex with you will never be something I rush into. If you need to date someone else, then I have no other choice but to let you go.”
3
Assert your right to say, “no.” Sexual assault, dating or domestic violence, and stalking are very serious matters. As a woman, or anyone, you must be clear about your intentions when faced with a possible sexual encounter. You have the ability to stop an interaction at any time. When you say, “No!” and “Stop” it means “Stop!”^{[9]
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- Look out for yourself as if you were looking out for your best friend. If you sense danger in any situation, always follow your intuition. Be comfortable with changing your plans, your mind, and those you date. Trust your instincts.
- The important thing to remember is you must trust the person you are with so you can make clear, well-informed decisions.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Seek Professional Help

1
Find a therapist. If you are avoiding sexual contact and the thought of having sex causes you to feel excessive and unreasonable anxiety or panic, you should seek help from a professional therapist. This may be signs of a phobia rather than a normal fear response.^{[10]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- The physical symptoms of a phobia include: sweating, shaking, feeling lightheaded, and having difficulty breathing. A counselor can help you manage these symptoms and the condition.
- See a therapist if you have sexual abuse in your history, which may hinder your enjoyment of sexual activity. Talking with a counselor and processing those traumas will lead to a positive relationship with others.
2
Learn relaxation techniques.^{[11]
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Research source} When everyone relaxes, everyone benefits. Approaching an intimate situation with a sense of calm will stave off fear, and enhance your enjoyment.
- Relaxation techniques include guided imagery, biofeedback, and breathing exercises. These will help you lower the stress and fear you feel. Use these techniques prior to interacting with someone.
- Guided imagery involves focusing on calming images and can be done by yourself or with help from a therapist.
- Biofeedback is a technique that trains you to lower your heart rate and blood pressure, which are associated with fear.
- Breathing exercises help to calm the nervous system associated with the fight-or-flight response, which is triggered when you feel fear.
- If fear takes a hold of you when you are with someone in an intimate situation, pause and take a minute to breath and tap into the relaxation skills you have learned.
3
Challenge your negative thoughts. Your thoughts affect your emotions. There is a tendency to overestimate the negative outcomes before you experience them, and underestimate your ability to cope with and manage a situation. These thoughts are imbalanced and need to be challenged.
- For example, you are extremely nervous and afraid that you will throw up on your date when you are kissing. Challenge the thought by saying, “You cannot predict the future and you have never thrown up on anyone. If you feel nauseous excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. You can handle it.”
- You are stronger than you think. If you feel you lack adequate coping skills, improve them.^{[12]
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  Research source} For example, take notice of the way you effectively cope with another type of fear in your life and apply the same technique. Also, observe how someone you admire copes with difficult situations. Ask them for suggestions that you can implement.
- Use positive self-talk to calm your thoughts and nerves. For example, if you feel your fear, anxiety or stress increase, tell yourself, “You are fine. This is going to be fun. You are not going to be embarrassed. Have a good time.”

Warnings

Never allow someone to talk, guilt, pressure, force or manipulate you into having sex when you do not want to engage.

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If your partner doesn't even try to comfort you when you're struggling to cope with something you fear, they aren't worthy to be in your life.

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Having a fear of sex is different than having a phobia, which is a more serious condition. Both conditions can be discussed with a professional therapist.

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Unprotected sex may lead to pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and even death. If you are not ready for the responsibility of these things, you must take precautions and use condoms.

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An inability to get and maintain an erection may be the symptoms of a medical condition. Seek a medical consultation to address this issue.

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The only birth control with 100% reliability is abstinence.

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