How to Offer Encouragement to Someone Who Has Failed an Exam or Test

Last Updated: March 16, 2023 References Approved

Failing an exam can make someone feel really bad about themselves, not to mention embarrassed. But there are lots of ways you can encourage and help someone who has failed! Help them deal with their feelings about the failure by reminding them that everyone fails sometimes, and this one failure doesn’t define them. You can also help them figure out how to do better next time. Encourage them to find a tutor, help them create a new study space, or share your own studying strategies.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Helping Them Deal with the Failure

1
Tell them that this failure does not define them. A lot of people who fail an exam might think that failing an exam makes them a failure at life. Tell them it was one exam, in one class. It doesn’t mean that they are a failure at life, and it doesn’t even mean they can’t be successful in the rest of the course.^{[1]
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- You can say "I know it feels like you'll never get past this, but you will. Failing this one test doesn't mean that you're a failure. It just means you hit a bump in the road."
2
Let them vent. Sometimes they’ll just need to be upset, or complain about the exam or the class. That’s okay! Listen quietly, letting them get all of their emotions out about the failure.^{[2]
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- Ask them to tell you how they feel, and let them talk as long as they need to. You can say something like "Tell me how you're feeling about it. I'm here to listen as long as you need me."
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3
Offer them positive examples. Right after you’ve failed an exam, it’s easy to feel like you’ll never do anything well again. If you know someone who has failed the same test or exam (or a similar one), but then became successful, tell them about it! It can remind them that good things will happen again, too.^{[3]
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- For example, say something like "You know how everyone talks about how John is the most successful alumnus we've got? Well, he failed this exact same exam. And he still did great!"
4
Suggest that they take a break. After failing a test, some people feel like they have to immediately begin studying again. Instead, suggest that they take a bit of a break, even if it’s just for a day. Suggest they take a walk outside, or even focus on chores at home. A break can be good for their mental health.^{[4]
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- Say something like, "How about we go for a walk? It'll get your mind off of things and let you recharge a little bit."
5
Remind them that everyone fails at some point. Failing an exam might be especially hard for someone who has never failed one before. Remind them that everyone fails at some point, even if they don’t talk about it. They’re only human, and humans fail!^{[5]
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- You can say something like "Everyone fails. There's people in this class who have failed an exam. It happens to everyone at some point, and you can get through it!"
6
Don’t make fun of them. Failing a test can be a seriously demoralizing thing. And even if they seem okay about it, they might be hiding how they really feel. Don’t make fun of them for failing, or compare their score to yours.^{[6]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Offering Them Ways Forward

1
Help them figure out new ways to study. Ask how long they studied, how often they took notes in class, and if they ever felt like they weren’t doing enough. Help them look up studying strategies on websites like Princeton Review, and select strategies they haven't tried before. Using a new strategy can yield different results.^{[7]
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- Share strategies that you find successful. For instance, if you always use flashcards, you can show them how you organize your notes into flashcards.
2
Suggest they set a time limit on their reaction. It can be really easy to obsess over a failure for days or even weeks. Suggest they give themselves a certain amount of time – say, 24 hours – to react however they want. Then suggest that once that timeframe is over, they focus on moving forward.^{[8]
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3
Help them create a new study space. Ask them where they study. If it’s usually somewhere loud, with lots of distractions, offer to help them create a new space. Choose a quiet corner of their home to set up a desk and chair. Or help them scope out quiet coffee shops.^{[9]
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Suggest a tutor. Some people simply need help learning how to study or learning certain material, and that’s okay. Suggest to the person who has failed that a tutor might give them the boost they need.^{[10]
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- You can suggest they look for tutor services at their school, or through websites for companies like Sylvan Learning.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Serious Failures

1
Encourage them to contact their professor right away. If the test they've failed might prevent them from passing the class or from graduating, they need to talk with their instructor right away. Your friend might feel terrible about even talking about their failure, but it's important to talk to the people who can make a difference as soon as possible.^{[11]
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- For example, they can say something like "Dr. Smith, I'd really like to meet with you to talk about this failed exam. I'm worried about how it might affect my ability to pass the class or graduate."
2
Help them figure out how to articulate their concern. Going to a professor and just saying "You failed me and now I can't graduate" probably won't get your friend anywhere. Instead, pretend you're the professor and let your friend practice making their case to you.^{[12]
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- They can say things like, "I'm really concerned about this grade because it could prevent me from graduating. I went over my notes and reading and I didn't see the material from the test covered there anywhere."
- Or they can say "I feel I adequately answered the essay question. I've marked my essay in these 3 places that show my direct answers and I was hoping we could go over them and discuss my grade."
3
Tell them to share any mitigating circumstances with their professor. If your friend had a migraine, or just got bad news from home, or was sick, they probably weren't at their best for the test. They should share that information with their teacher while they're discussing their failure.^{[13]
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- For example, they could say something like, "I didn't say anything on the day of the exam because it felt like an excuse, but I was really sick and I think that affected my performance."
4
Encourage them to ask the professor for another try. Some instructors have rigid rules regarding retakes, but if your friend has demonstrated really serious issues, their instructor might relent. They can ask for a retake or for any possible extra credit.^{[14]
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- For example, they can say something like, "Would you allow me to retake this exam?" or "Is there any extra credit I can do to make up some of the points I lost? I'm really worried about its effect on my ability to graduate."
5
Tell them to stay calm. In a situation where a failing grade on one assignment might derail your friend's whole college experience, they might feel angry or want to say mean things to their professor. Encourage them to stay calm and polite during their meeting.^{[15]
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- Practicing the conversation they'll have with their professor can help them stay calm. Offer to act as the professor and let them get out all of their frustration before they even ask for a meeting.

Expert Q&A

Question

What to do when your parents make you feel embarrassed?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

It is unfortunate when parents might make you feel embarrassed for failing an exam. You might consider discussing it with them, and let them know that making you feel worse does empower you to move ahead and perform better next time. Be sure to admit if you think you in any way did not put enough effort in.

Warnings

Avoid angry outbursts. If you have any disappointments, contain them. Giving voice to what you wanted from the other person's efforts will not help them any and it will often end up eroding their self-confidence and make matters worse.

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Avoid being a nag. Acting superior and displaying a "holier than thou" attitude lacks compassion and empathy and will only set the unsuccessful candidate against you. Indeed, it can result in them feeling more rebellious and cause them to throw it all away just to spite you.

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