How to Not Let Things Bother You in a Relationship

Written by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD | Edited by Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: August 27, 2022 References

It's normal to get a little frustrated with your partner, but if it seems like minor things are getting on your nerves nonstop, it may be helpful to learn how to let the small things go. Thankfully, with some empathy and compassion (for your partner and yourself), you can learn how to not let things bother you as much in a relationship. Read on for expert advice on how to not let minor irritations get to you, plus when you should stand up for yourself and address the issue with your partner.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship coach and psychotherapist, Jessica Engle, MFT, MA, founder of Bay Area Dating Coach. Check out the full interview here.

1

Ask yourself why you're really bothered.

Dig deeper to determine the root of the issue. When a small issue is upsetting you, it may be because it represents a larger issue in your relationship or from your past. When you're feeling frustrated, ask yourself why and consider the potential underlying reasons. Getting to the bottom of your feelings can help you figure out the best path forward so you're not being bothered by the same things over and over again.^{[1]
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- You might be annoyed that your partner consistently leaves their dirty clothes on the floor. Maybe you need to have a clean room to feel relaxed, and their messiness makes you feel like they're not respecting your needs.
- Perhaps your partner frequently leaves the TV on when they're not watching it. If you've told them that this bothers you, you may be more frustrated that they didn't listen to you or value your request.
- Maybe your partner doesn't help out enough with household tasks. If you were expected to clean up after your family growing up, you might be frustrated because you don't want this dynamic to continue in your relationship.

2

Consider if this will bother you in a year from now.

If not, it may be easier to just let it go. Next time a minor irritation is really upsetting you, try to keep things in perspective. If you don't think what's happening will bother you a year from now, remind yourself that this is a temporary issue that will pass. This practice can help you determine what relationship issues are worth addressing (and which ones are alright to let slide).^{[2]
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- Maybe your partner forgot to pick up a key ingredient for dinner. It may be frustrating, but will this bother you a year from now? Consider letting it go and trying out a different recipe (or making a quick trip to the store together).
- This practice can help you pick your battles in a relationship. If you do think an issue will bother you a year from now, for example, then it's worth addressing with your partner.

3

Pause and take a deep breath.

Give yourself a moment instead of responding immediately when you're irritated. Try to disengage from thoughts that make you angrier. If you feel like you're reaching your breaking point over a small issue, stop and take a few deep breaths. To practice calming deep breaths, inhale through your nose. As you breathe in, allow your belly to expand. Then, slowly exhale through your mouth. Repeat the exercise 5 times, letting your stomach rise and fall as you inhale and exhale.^{[3]
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Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- Practicing deep breathing can help you relax in moments of stress, high anxiety, or frustration. After taking some deep breaths, you'll be less tempted to lash out over something small or out of your control.

4

Choose your battles.

To make a relationship work, you have to let some things slide. All relationships require a little bit of compromise, so ask yourself if this issue is worth getting frustrated over. Though it's completely valid to be annoyed, remind yourself that everyone has flaws and consider what would happen if you let the issue go.
- Perhaps you're not a big fan of the way your partner organizes the kitchen cabinet. You might prefer your own method, but is it worth getting upset over? Experiment with letting it slide and see how you feel.

5

Empathize with your partner.

Considering their point of view will help you be more compassionate. If you're about to snap at your partner over something small, think about their perspective and what they may be going through. Your partner might be under a lot of stress or they may struggle with things that come naturally to you. Whatever it may be, keeping their experience in mind can help you look at the situation from a more compassionate place and let it go.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- Before reacting, consider what your partner has been dealing with lately. If they were short with you, for example, were they under a lot of stress that day? If they forgot to do the dishes, were they super busy with work?

6

Try to be patient.

Try to remind yourself that no one is perfect. If your partner is working on making some changes, it may take them some time to get things right. Remembering that everyone slips up sometimes and giving them the benefit of the down can help you remain cool, calm, and collected (even when you're a little frustrated).^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Maybe your partner doesn't have the best sense of direction and took a wrong turn while driving to work. Rather than getting upset, remind yourself that they simply made a mistake and you'll be back on track in a few minutes.
- Perhaps your partner forgot to switch out the laundry like they said they would (again). Before reacting, try to remember that your partner is trying their best.

7

Accept that there are some things you can’t change.

Relinquishing control can help you relax in a relationship. Though you can encourage your partner to be the best version of themselves, you can’t control or change their behavior.^{[6]
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Research source} To help you let things go, it may help to remember that you and your partner are different people. You both have different quirks, habits, and pet peeves. Reminding yourself of your differences might actually help you let it go and move forward.^{[7]
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- You might be super organized, but your partner may struggle with organization. Rather than getting frustrated or trying to change them, accept this about them and remember their other strengths.

8

Trust your feelings if you still can’t let something go.

If something is consistently bothering you, it may be time to bring it up. Even if your partner's actions are seemingly minor, your feelings are valid. It's okay (and completely normal) to get frustrated, and it may really help to address what's going on directly. Rather than bottling up your feelings, own how you feel and consider communicating with your partner about what's bothering you.
- Your partner may not know what they're doing is upsetting you. They may be happy to compromise or make some adjustments going forward!

9

Talk to your partner honestly and directly.

Addressing a minor issue head-on can help you move on quickly. Pick a time when the two of you are both alone to talk about what's been bothering you. Wait until you're feeling calm and bring up what's going on gently and respectfully. Being honest and direct can help you work through things together, and it can help you fix a small problem before it becomes a bigger issue.
- Use I-statements to avoid making your partner defensive. Try, "I know there's a lot on your plate right now, but I feel a little frustrated that I've been doing all the dishes lately."
- Suggest a solution and ask for your partner's point of view. Try, "I think it might help if we took turns doing the dishes. Would that work for you?"

10

Practice self-care.

Prioritizing your needs can be a healthy distraction. Sometimes, getting hung up on the small stuff means you're not focusing enough on yourself. If you're having trouble letting something go, refocus your energy on your physical and emotional needs. Taking care of yourself can get your mind off of what's bothering you, help you remember the other aspects of your life that are going well, and revisit what's irritating you with a fresh perspective.
- Get plenty of rest, exercise regularly, and eat healthy foods. Taking good care of your body can help boost your mood and manage relationship setbacks with a more positive point of view.
- Practice mindfulness or meditation. Both can help you relax and put your thoughts in perspective.
- Try writing in a journal to decompress and get your feelings out in a healthy way.^{[8]
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