Learn how to recognize this kind of abuse—and how to respond if it’s happening to you
X
This article was co-authored by Tala Johartchi, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Johnathan Fuentes. Dr. Tala Johartchi is a Clinical Psychologist based in the Los Angeles, California metro area. With expertise and advanced training in Evidence-Based Practices and therapeutic/behavioral frameworks, Dr. Johartchi specializes in working with individuals, couples, and families experiencing Substance Disorders, Love Addiction and Codependency, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as common co-occurring disorders such as Depression, Anxiety, and Relational/Attachment difficulties. She earned an MA and PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The American School of Professional Psychology at Argosy University, San Francisco.
There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 2,007 times.
“I never said anything like that.” “You’re just trying to hurt me.” “You’re the crazy one!” These are just some of the things a narcissistic gaslighter might say to you, and hearing them can be disorienting and humiliating. Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of abuse in which someone makes you feel like your thoughts and emotions are wrong. They might frequently lie or humiliate you, only to turn around and deny what they said, leaving you wondering if you’re going crazy. If you’re worried that you’re in this situation, you’re not alone—and you’re definitely not crazy. This guide can help you figure out whether you’re dealing with narcissistic gaslighting, and provides a few tips on what to do about it.
Things You Should Know
- Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which someone insists that your thoughts or feelings are illegitimate.
- Signs that someone is gaslighting you include lying, exaggerating, dismissing your feelings, violating boundaries, and refusing to admit their mistakes.
- Narcissistic gaslighting can occur in many types of relationships. It is a tactic to avoid taking responsibility.
- If you’re being gaslighted, there are several ways to deal with it: building a support network, reporting the abuse, or breaking off contact with the abusive person.
Steps
Section 2 of 3:
Signs That Someone Is Gaslighting You
-
1They lie and exaggerate to manipulate you. Imagine your romantic partner says “You never clean up after yourself,” when in fact, you always do. When you tell them they’re mistaken, they confidently repeat the lie and refuse to admit they’re wrong. You try to show them proof, but they ignore it and call you delusional. You begin to wonder if maybe you don’t clean up after yourself as often as you think.[3]
- A gaslighter may also lie about something you said or did. For example, a boss may call you lazy, even though you’re highly productive and putting in overtime.
-
2They dismiss or invalidate your feelings. A friend constantly teases you and refuses to stop. When you tell them they’re upsetting you, they insist you’re overreacting. If you stand up for yourself, they accuse you of trying to hurt them. They refuse to back down, despite your pleas.[4]
- They could also suddenly change their behavior—like flipping a switch—and become overly apologetic. This could leave you feeling confused about their true feelings, and wondering if maybe you shouldn’t have gotten upset in the first place.
-
3They leave you feeling isolated. Imagine your boss says cruel things to you in private, but in public, they’re charming and kind. You confide in your coworkers, but they don’t believe you. They’ve never observed the behaviors you’re talking about. After a while, you begin to worry that your colleagues see you as a complainer. You keep your mouth shut out of fear of losing your job.[5]
- Feeling isolated makes it hard to think clearly, since the only perspective available to you is that of the person gaslighting you.
- They constantly cancel plans or fail to show up or follow through. When confronted about this, they manipulate the scenario to make the other person feel they're not perceiving the situation accurately.
-
4They make you doubt yourself. Your spouse frowns whenever you wear certain clothes. They call you ugly and accuse you of being a slob. When you confront them about it, they insist they’ve always found you attractive. This happens over and over, and you start to question your reality and wonder: are you going crazy? Are you being mistreated or is this all in your head?[6]
-
5They reject criticism and won’t admit their mistakes. Your roommate often leaves your apartment a mess. You try to discuss it calmly but they refuse to listen. They insist the mess is mostly yours when it’s clearly not. They call you uptight and accuse you of being controlling. They get visibly upset and you regret hurting their feelings, causing you to drop the argument.
- On the flipside, they might be extremely critical of you. They might call you messy when you’re actually fairly organized. Or might they accuse you of eating their food when you did no such thing.
-
6They project onto you and others. Imagine that your sibling teases you for struggling with math. They call you stupid for failing a quiz and mock you for getting help from a tutor. Your sibling is a poor student, but they won’t admit this to anyone. In fact, they brag about their grades and claim to be on the honor roll. They’re obsessed with how others perceive them and become enraged when you point out that they’re lying.[7]
-
7They break rules and violate boundaries. Imagine your parent frequently yells at you in front of others, even family and friends. They often call at odd hours to ask for favors and get upset when you can’t comply. They take little interest in your life, apart from how it relates to them. But around strangers, they give the impression that you have a close and have a loving relationship. Your needs and boundaries aren’t being respected, except when it suits them.
- Rules and boundaries can apply to emotions too. Putting their feelings before yours, or not letting you speak or express your opinions are all examples of crossing boundaries.
Advertisement
Section 3 of 3:
What to Do If You’re Being Gaslighted
-
1Confide in someone you trust. Speak to a therapist, friend, teacher, school counselor, HR manager, or trusted family member who isn’t close to the person gaslighting you. Get an outsider’s perspective. This can help you see things more clearly, making it easier to recognize abuse.[8]
- Many institutions like schools, universities, and large businesses have strong policies prohibiting bullying and abuse. Reach out to your institution’s HR representative to report the mistreatment, if you feel able to do so.
-
2Distance yourself from them if you can. A person who gaslights you is committing emotional abuse. It may be intentional, or they may be totally unaware of what they’re doing, but the end result is the same. If an abusive person can’t or won’t change their behavior, maintaining a healthy relationship with them might be impossible.[9]
- Couples counseling can help romantic partners address challenges in their relationship. Unfortunately, it’s not considered effective for preventing gaslighting.[10]
-
3Stand by your feelings and opinions. When someone gaslights you, they try to get in your head and undermine your self-confidence. They twist your words, misrepresent your intentions, and manipulate you by appealing to your emotions. You may be thinking things like "Am I incorrect for thinking this person is letting me down? Should I not be feeling this way?", causing you to question your reality. Don’t engage with them. Instead, trust your instincts and act accordingly. [11]
- Again, if you need to talk to someone, confide in someone you trust. Make sure it’s someone who isn’t close to the person who’s gaslighting you, or who is aware of the situation but unlikely to be manipulated.
-
4If it’s happening at work, keep a record of what’s going on. Having documentation can be helpful if you choose to expose the person by raising a complaint with another manager, or with your company’s HR department. It can also protect you in the event that the abusive person lies or otherwise undermines your efforts to report their misconduct.
- Save emails and text messages that evidence abusive behavior.
- Keep notes of conversations with dates and times. The more detailed, the better.
- Journaling is a good strategy for any type of gaslighting relationship. Writing down your experiences and revisiting them when you're feeling more emotionally calm is the best way to make a sound judgment on the situation.
-
5Lean on your support network. Healthy relationships are essential in life, but they’re especially important when dealing with a narcissistic gaslighter. Having outside perspectives gives you a clearer picture of a narcissistic gaslighter’s behavior. It also helps prevent the feelings of isolation and powerlessness that gaslighting can cause.[12]
-
6Be extra cautious. A person who gaslights is not to be trusted, and you have every right to protect yourself. Avoid being emotionally vulnerable with them. Don’t share too much. And most importantly, remember who they really are. They’ll use many tricks and techniques to manipulate you into liking them or seeing things their way.[13] Don’t let them get inside your head.
- If a narcissistic gaslighter is being kind or helpful to you, it’s best to step back and ask yourself, “What’s their motive? What do they really want?”
- If they’re being critical, ask yourself, “Is this really a fair assessment? And even if it is, what’s their motive for sharing it?”
-
7Learn to recognize narcissistic gaslighting when you see it. Read more about gaslighting and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Pay close attention to a narcissistic gaslighter’s words and behaviors, whether they’re interacting with you or others. Learn the patterns and techniques they deploy so that you don’t fall for them.
- Familiarize yourself with the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the formal definition of gaslighting.
- While you can’t actually diagnose someone with this information (that’s a doctor’s job), you can at least learn what to look out for.
Advertisement
Expert Q&A
-
QuestionHow do you know for sure if someone is gaslighting you?
Fernando CamposFernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.
Licensed Marriage and Family TherapistTake time to process your experiences when you're in an emotionally calm state—in other words, write down your experiences as they happen and then analyze them later. Identifying gaslighting is best done with a combination of instincts, journaling, and social support (like the help of a mental health professional). -
QuestionHow do you end a relationship with a gaslighter?Fernando CamposFernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.
Licensed Marriage and Family TherapistIt can help to write out your thoughts and feelings in a letter that you give to the gaslighter. That way, the person can react to the information and cope and deal with it privately. If you're not in their presence, they may get angry, but they may have time to calm down prior to re-engaging with that conversation. -
QuestionShould you expose a gaslighter by yourself?Fernando CamposFernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.
Licensed Marriage and Family TherapistIt's better to have that type of conversation with a third party present, like a support system or mental health professional. Trying to expose a gaslighter one-on-one is often going to result in higher levels of conflict that don't actually resolve anyone's needs, including the person who was trying to expose the other person for their gaslighting.
Advertisement
Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you'd like to learn more about gaslighting, check out our in-depth interview with Fernando Campos.
References
- ↑ https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslight
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-red-flags-gaslighting-in-relationship
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-red-flags-gaslighting-in-relationship
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-red-flags-gaslighting-in-relationship
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/gaslighting-emotional-abuse/
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/how-to-deal-with-gaslighting/
About This Article
Advertisement
Medical Disclaimer
The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.
Read More...