How to Meet Your Boyfriend's Daughter

Co-authored by James M. Sama

Last Updated: May 14, 2021

If your boyfriend has children from a previous relationship, meeting them for the first time can be a stressful situation for all parties involved. His child may feel threatened that her father is trying to replace her mother, and you might feel out of your element that you're stepping into an existing family scenario. While tensions may be high, a good first impression goes a long way towards improving the situation for everyone in the long run.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Preparing to Meet Her

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Consider the point you're at in the relationship. ^{[1]
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Research source} If you're on the cusp of meeting your boyfriend's daughter, you should first consider the stage your relationship is at. If it's not already serious, how committed can you realistically see it becoming? Sometimes, it's best to wait until the relationship is more secure before you bring family into the equation. If there's a good chance the relationship will fall apart shortly, it might be good to go without meeting his kids entirely.^{[2]
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Research source
James M. Sama. Personal Development Coach.}
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Ask your boyfriend's feelings about meeting his daughter. It is recommended you have an earnest discussion with your boyfriend before meeting his family. Ask him what he thinks of it, and whether he thinks you two are ready to advance to that stage of commitment. If he shows any sign of hesitation, it's probably best to wait until the two of you are feeling more secure.

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Learn a little bit about her. Nothing will replace talking with the girl yourself, but it certainly helps to know a little bit about who you'll be dealing with before you meet. Ask your boyfriend about her interests. ^{[3]
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Research source} What kind of music, films and books is she interested in? Make a mental note of common interests you share; despite age differences, there's almost certainly something the two of you can bond on.
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Be mature and punctual in attending your meeting. Remember you're the adult. This includes getting to the meeting on time and dressing in a respectable, mature manner.^{[4]
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Research source} Depending on the level of commitment in the relationship, you'll be ideally filling a partially maternal role for his daughter, so it's important to keep that in mind, especially if you've never had children of your own.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Meeting Your Boyfriend's Daughter

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Introduce yourself confidently. First impressions mean everything. While you might be feeling anxious about the occasion, it's very likely your boyfriend's daughter's feeling even more out of place. Maintaining eye contact, giving a warm smile and a friendly handshake all work towards alleviating the tension in both of you. Here are some ways you might consider introducing yourself:
- "Nice to meet you! I've heard so much about you."
- "I've heard you like [insert interest here]. Sounds like we've got something in common!"
- Giving a brief compliment upon meeting is also a great opening move.
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Give the daughter a gift if she's young; show respect if she's older. Gift-giving is a good thing to do if the daughter is young. If she's older however, she might interpret the act as a bribe. If she's a teenager, it's a good idea to emphasize respect above all else. When you're meeting with the daughter, treat the discussion between the three of you as a conversation amongst equals.
- If you do plan on buying a gift, make sure it's something modest, but thoughtful. Ask your boyfriend's opinion on it, just to make sure you don't buy anything inappropriate (e.g. candy for a diabetic.)
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Keep the conversation warm and polite.^{[5]
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Research source} Find somewhere to sit down and get to know each other. It's important that the boyfriend stay part of the conversation; that will minimize the risk of awkward silences and tension on either side. Be kind and polite, regardless of how the daughter is acting. Try to make the conversation mostly about her. Ask questions about her life, whether it's school, work, or her hobbies. Keep the conversation light and pleasant; hopefully that will be enough to ease the tension.
- Although you should ask questions, take care not to put her on the spot. If she doesn't sound interested in talking about school, for instance, don't press the subject any further.
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Look to the boyfriend to spark conversation if things get awkward. It's extremely important that your boyfriend be part of the discussion until things start becoming more easy-going. If the daughter isn't talking much, ask him a question that might apply to both of them, such as:
- "I heard the two of you like to watch movies together. I've heard [new film] is coming out soon. Maybe the three of us should go see it together?"
- "What days are the two of you free next? Maybe we can all go do something."
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After you've finished your meeting, remember to say how much you enjoyed meeting her. Be sure to say this even if she wasn't entirely pleasant; being unconditionally warm towards the daughter will go a long way towards making her feel more at-ease around you. This will also make you look good in front of your boyfriend.

Warnings

Keep in mind that meeting a daughter will probably get more difficult, the older the daughter is. Teenage daughters will have a harder time adjusting to new familial circumstances than young children.

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Limit the amount of physical affection you show to your boyfriend around his daughter. It will make the two of them feel uncomfortable if you do anything more than a brief kiss or hand-holding.^{[6]
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Research source}

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Make certain not to bring up your boyfriend's ex; that is her mother, and it's likely that bringing her up in conversation will make the daughter instantly defensive.^{[7]
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