How to Make an Introvert Happy

Co-authored by Nicolette Tura, MA and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: January 9, 2022 References

If you’re the more outgoing type, you might wonder about how to keep the introvert in your life happy. While leaving them alone might seem like the obvious answer, the truth is that most introverts need social time—they just want to have it on their own terms. In this article, we’ll guide you through the best ways to respect your introverted loved one’s need for quiet time, while also helping them feel loved and included.

1

Respect their space.

Introverts need solitude sometimes. If you have an introverted friend or loved one, recognize that they won’t always be in the mood to hang out with you. Make a point of leaving them alone sometimes, especially if they seem stressed, exhausted, or burnt out.^{[1]
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- If you’re not sure whether or not they need alone time, just ask. Say something like, “Do you want to be alone right now?” or, “Is this a good time to talk, or should I come back later?”
- If you live with an introvert, try to let them have their own space where they can go to be alone. For instance, they might need to go into their room and close the door sometimes.

2

Give them time to recharge.

Social interaction can be draining for introverts. If you spend time with an introvert, expect them to need some downtime afterwards. They might also tend to duck out of social gatherings early. If you’re not sure how much time they need to refuel their social energy tanks, you can always ask.^{[2]
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- For instance, you can say something like, “Hey, would you be interested in grabbing a drink tonight? I know you usually want some time alone after work, so maybe we could shoot for 8:00.”

3

Engage them in deep conversation.

Introverts aren’t usually big on small talk. But many of them do enjoy opening up about things that are meaningful to them.^{[3]
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Research source} Try to take a genuine interest in the things they care about, and make an effort to really listen to what they have to say.^{[4]
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- For example, if you know an introvert who’s a writer, you might ask them about what they’re currently working on. Say something like, “How’s that short story coming along? Did you want to bounce some plot ideas around?”
- Introverts tend to hold back their thoughts and feelings more than extroverts, so it’s important for them to vent from time to time. Let them know that you’re there if they want to talk, but don’t push them to open up if they’re not in the mood.
- On the other side of the coin, introverts often make great listeners. Don’t be afraid to open up to them about your own deep thoughts and feelings, if they have the energy for it!

4

Slow down and let them talk.

It’s easy to accidentally steamroll an introvert in conversation. If you’re more extroverted and talkative, be mindful. Make a conscious effort not to interrupt your friend or loved one while they’re talking. Take intentional breaks in the conversation to let them speak.^{[5]
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- Introverts may feel especially awkward about piping up in group conversations. If you’re chatting with several people and they look like they have something to say, give them an opening. For instance, say something like, “What do you think, Lila?”
- Listen attentively to what they have to say. Ask follow-up questions to show that you’re interested and paying attention.
- Keep in mind that some introverts are perfectly happy to just sit back and let others do the talking. When in doubt, you can always ask (but do it privately so you don’t put them on the spot). For instance, say something like, “Hey, was I talking too much back there? I wasn’t sure if you wanted to jump in and say something.”

5

Ask them what they need.

Introverts often have a hard time expressing their needs. Give them a hand by checking in when you’re not sure. This might mean:^{[6]
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- Asking them how they’re feeling, and what you can do to help if they’re stressed or down. Don’t keep pushing if they’re not in the mood to talk about it, though.
- Asking about their boundaries. For instance, are they okay with going to a party once in a while as long as they get to leave early, or are they only comfortable socializing in small groups?
- Checking in about whether they want company or need time alone.

6

Spend time with them one-on-one.

Make your time together quality time. Introverts thrive on deep, intimate friendships.^{[7]
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Research source} Make time for just the two of you to hang out instead of always spending time with them in a group setting. Structure your time together around low-key activities that you both enjoy.
- For example, you might meet for coffee once a week, have a regular game night, or go for walks together.

7

Invite them to stuff.

Just don’t expect them to necessarily show up. Studies show that introverts tend to feel happier overall when they step out of their comfort zone and socialize from time to time.^{[8]
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Research source} Make an effort to include the introvert in your life by inviting them to socialize, even if you don’t think they’ll say yes. They just might surprise you—and they’re bound to appreciate the thought, even if they can’t come!^{[9]
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- Keep it low-key, and don’t push it if they say no. Say something like, “I’m having a little get-together with some of my college buddies this weekend if you want to come. If not, no biggie!”
- If they do show up, make it clear you don’t expect them to stay long or to participate in anything they don’t feel comfortable with. Say something like, “We’ll be playing some games later in case you’re interested, but I know you probably need to head out soon.”
- Don’t surprise them or mislead them about what the event will be like. For instance, don’t say it will just be you and one other friend, then invite a bunch of other people to join you at the last minute.

8

Text instead of calling.

Your average introvert dreads talking on the phone. But they’re likely to be a lot more comfortable communicating in writing. Next time you want to have a quick chat, shoot them a text.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Nicolette Tura, MA
Authentic Living Expert
Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.}
- If you really want to call them, ask or give them a warning first. Send a text saying something like, “Is this a good time to call? I just wanted to talk about our plans for next week.”
- They might also enjoy connecting online (for example, over email, Facebook, instant messenger, or a chat platform, like Discord).

9

Give them advance notice of social plans.

Let them have some time to prepare. If you want to spend time with an introvert—especially in a setting that they might find draining, like a party—don’t spring it on them last-minute. Let them know at least a few days in advance that something is coming up.
- For example, you might say, “I’m inviting 6 of my coworkers over next week for a poker night, it’ll be on Friday at 7:00. Would you like to come?”
- Avoid putting pressure on them to make the plans, since this can be very stressful for a lot of introverts.^{[11]
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  Research source} Give them a set time and date. If it doesn’t work, you can always try again another time.

10

Embrace the quiet moments.

It’s okay to just be together in silence sometimes. One of the great things about introverts is that they don’t always need to be engaged or talking when you’re together.^{[12]
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Research source} Instead of trying to fill up every moment with conversation or activity, take time to just sit with them while you each do your own thing. You’ll both enjoy the quiet companionship!
- For example, you might sit together and do work, listen to music, or quietly watch a TV show or movie together.