How to Make a Boring Relationship Fun

Co-authored by John Keegan and Eric McClure

Last Updated: December 2, 2022 References

For some people, it’s immediately obvious that some kind of spark is missing. For others, it may be years before they realize the weeks are starting to blend together as the routine fully settles in. Healthy relationships tend to calm down as two people get to know one another super well, so rest assured that this may not be a bad thing. Things just tend to cool off after the honeymoon phase is over, so don’t despair that your relationship is in trouble just yet. Regardless of why the fun is missing, there are plenty of ways for you and your main squeeze to reignite things!

1

Look at these changes as an opportunity.

Relationships are work, but that doesn’t mean the work won’t be fun. There are two things you need to recognize before you start trying to reinvigorate your relationship. First, relationships require effort. Think of this as a job; you need to check in, pay attention, and be active when it comes to maintaining your relationship. Second, you should look forward to the work! In a healthy relationship, you get more out of it than you put into it. Amp yourself up and get excited to start mixing things up!^{[1]
X
Research source}
- It’s easy to think that a healthy relationship is a breeze since that’s what every romantic comedy, commercial, and love song tells us! The reality is that a relationship is a lot like a car; it requires regular maintenance and you need to work on it every now and then to make sure the drive stays smooth.
- Boredom in your relationship may be a serious concern if you and/or your partner are becoming apathetic, you’re fighting more often (or more intensely) than you normally do, or the two of you are drifting apart emotionally and/or physically. If this is the case, it may be worth exploring couples therapy.

2

Talk to your partner to see how they feel.

Bring this up during a quiet moment and just ask them where they’re at. There’s no way to diagnose the problem if you don’t know what’s wrong! This doesn’t need to be a big, deep thing. Just check in to see where the both of you stand.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- You might say, “Hey, are you doing alright? Do you feel like we’ve kind of been a rut lately?” or, “Do you feel like we’ve fallen into too much of a routine? I won’t take it the wrong way if you say yes.” Try to be open and just listen to their response.
- If they say they aren’t bored but you definitely are, open up about it. Tell them you’d like to mix things up, and see how they respond. So long as you don’t blame them for how you’re feeling, they should respond positively.
- If they say they’re not bored and you aren’t either, no problem! You checked in and now you know you’re both happy.
- If your partner admits they’re bored and you’re bored too, talk about it! Discuss a strategy and set a goal to tackle the problem together. You’ll both feel much better by the time you’re done talking!

3

Be spontaneous and silly.

Go against the grain and stop being so serious. Engage with your partner in fresh and unexpected ways. If your partner laughs at a bad Christmas sweater you own, secretly wear it on your next date. Pretend to have amnesia in the grocery store, or give the barista at the coffee shop a goofy fake name. Couples that laugh together stay together, and sharing regular jokes is a great way to break any monotony.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Some couples absolutely loathe going to the grocery store. Some couples turn it into an exciting activity where they discuss all the fancy meals they’re going to make while joking around. Even if the things you’re doing together aren’t necessarily intrinsically fun, that doesn’t mean you can’t turn them into something more interesting!

4

Come up with new ways to communicate.

It’s easy to get into a rut and stick to small talk, so change it up. If you’re always saying, “How was your day?” whenever your partner comes home from work, try to break the habit with “What was the best part about your day?” These little curveballs tend to bring a lot more spark into your daily interactions.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- If you get a lot of stock answers to basic questions, probe them to really answer! If you ask them what they want to eat for dinner and they just say, “Whatever you want,” you might say, “No, really! Today is international you choose dinner day; what is your heart’s desire?”
- Affirm your partner randomly. Throw out a random “I love you” and compliment their clothing choices before they head out for work. These daily affirmations will really cultivate a more positive feeling for your partner, which will encourage more positive interactions.
- Be totally, unabashedly honest. If they ask you a question, tell them the truth. Don’t hide negative feelings or keep quiet if you’re feeling phenomenal. The more open you are, the more open your partner will be.

5

Do something fun by yourself.

If you regain a little independence, you’ll have more to discuss together. When the two of you spend every night together watching TV, there may not be a lot to talk about or connect over. Pick up a new hobby or dedicate one night a week to do something you love. Spending a bit of time apart to pursue your own interests is a great way for the two of you to find something new to discuss.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- Encourage your partner to do the same! This way, the two of you can reconnect and share everything you’ve been up to.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  John Keegan
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.}
- Potential options could include joining a recreational sports team, flying kites, taking a painting class, geocaching, or nature photography. Honestly, anything that forces you to get out of the house and engage in something is going to help!

6

Try something new together.

If the routine is becoming tedious, pick a new activity to do together! Take a cooking class together or dedicate one night a week to trying a new restaurant. If you’re always binging new Netflix shows, spend a night watching old movies instead.^{[7]
X
Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} Even when it feels like a tiny change, any disruption in your standard routine is going to create the potential for fresh conversation and renewed intimacy.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- You could go get a couple’s massage, try going on a double-date, or go stargazing at a local dark park.
- If there’s something you or your partner have always wanted to do but never had the time or energy for it, there’s no time like now!
- Consider implementing a “no-phone” rule when you’re doing something unique together. Nothing ruins intimacy faster than someone who can’t stop texting or checking Instagram!^{[9]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Greater Good in Action
  An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life
  Go to source}

7

Spice things up in the bedroom.

Exploring new things in bed may jumpstart a static relationship! A lack of sexual intimacy often triggers feelings of boredom in a relationship, and feelings of boredom can trigger a lack of sexual intimacy.^{[10]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} Sometimes, busy schedules and routines make it impossible to get frisky.^{[11]
X
Research source} Regardless, pushing boundaries in the bedroom and exploring each of your fantasies will spice a boring relationship up, so don’t hesitate to talk about trying new things!^{[12]
X
Research source}
- For an added does of thrill, try roleplaying at a bar one night. Come up with new identities and show up pretending to be other people. Try to pick your partner up at the bar like it’s the first time the two of you have met.^{[13]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Greater Good in Action
  An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life
  Go to source}
- If it has been a while since you’ve flirted, try hitting on your partner! Even if neither of you want to try something new in bed, you can still find ways to raise the intimacy by flirting.
- Brush their hair back, reach out to hold their hand, and cuddle up next to them on the couch. Even the smallest of physical touches will help deepen and strengthen your connection.^{[14]
  X
  Research source}

8

Do something that scares or excites you.

Forcing one another out of your comfort zones will keep things exciting. You can get super literal with this by going skydiving as a couple, or you can do something a little tamer, like kayaking. Finding something exciting is a great way to stimulate your relationship.^{[15]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good in Action
An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life
Go to source} People tend to take fewer risks when they’re in stable relationships, which can often make things feel kind of dull. Injecting a bit of (safe) thrill-seeking into your relationship may bring it back to life!^{[16]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- You could also start casually “betting” on things together to build some suspense when things are slow. Will your partner forget it’s their turn to do the dishes next week? Winner chooses what’s for dinner! Make it low stakes and keep it fun.

9

Get out of town for a while.

A vacation is a phenomenal way to inject some passion and fun. If you haven’t travelled anywhere together in a long time, pick a place one of you has dreamed of visiting and actually do it!^{[17]
X
Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} If you always spend your summer trip at the same cabin, pick a new destination. Having a vacation to look forward to will help stimulate your relationship, and the shared experience will be both exciting and memorable.^{[18]
X
Research source}
- For an added dash of thrill-seeking, have someone else book your trip for you! Tell them not to tell you where you’re going until the night before, and explore a new place with no itinerary, plans, or expectations.
- Road trips are always cheap ways to go do something new. You never know what you’re going to run into on the open road!

10

Work on your issues together.

Change can cause friction, so be prepared to handle it the right way. Routines are often boring because they’re stable. As a result, mixing things up may lead to conflict—especially if the two of you aren’t on the same page regarding the direction of the relationship. If conflict arises, make a good faith effort to deescalate the situation.^{[19]
X
Research source} Treat conflicts as “us vs. the problem” and not “me vs. you,” and if you make a mistake, apologize.^{[20]
X
Research source}
- Conflict is natural in a relationship, so don’t look at this as a sign that something is necessarily wrong. However, you do want to keep unnecessary arguments to a minimum. Do your best to meet your partner halfway whenever you can.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I keep my relationship interesting?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Spend quality time together. You can read poetry to each other or watch movies on Netflix together. Share inspirational quotes or songs that have sentimental value for both of you.
Question

What is the foundation for a successful relationship?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Let your partner know that you can understand their emotions and physical needs. Make them feel that you are building something together and there is something to look forward to in the future.