How to Love Someone the Way They Need

Written by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 28, 2022

We all express and receive love in different ways. What works for you might not work for your loved one, and vice versa. If you’re struggling to love someone the way they need to be loved, don’t worry—you’re not alone. Read through these tips to learn how you can get to know your partner more and show that you love them in a meaningful way.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist, Sarah Schewitz, PsyD, founder of Couples Learn. Check out the full interview here.

1

Communicate consistently.

Be sure you’re staying open and honest with your loved one. Ask them what kind of love they need and what they’d like to see from you in the future. It might be a little tough to hear now, but it will drastically improve your relationship. Try asking questions like:^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- “What do I do that makes you feel loved?”
- “How do you want me to express my love?”
- “What can I do to make you feel more loved on a daily basis?”

2

Ask your partner how they want to feel.

Love might feel different for your partner than for you. For instance, you might like feeling like the center of attention, while your partner prefers to hang out in the background. Or, you might like seeking thrills and adrenaline rushes, while your partner prefers to have a calm, quiet night in. Aim for the mood that your partner wants to be in.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- You might ask them by saying, “How do you want to feel this weekend?” or, “What vibes are we going for on your birthday?”
- You can also ask how your partner's family shows love to get an idea of what their used to. Say something like, “What did your parents do growing up that made you feel loved?” If their family showed love with praise, try praising them more often.

3

Listen to the details they give you.

When someone tells you what they need, believe them. Asking questions and communicating is important, but it won’t do any good if you aren’t actively listening and adapting your behavior. As you and your loved one talk about what they need, really take it in, and listen to them attentively.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- It might even be helpful to write down what they’re saying so you really lock it into your brain.

4

Tell your partner why you love them.

This is a words of affirmation approach to love. Try telling your partner exactly why you love them or what you appreciate about them, and don’t be afraid to get specific. If this is how your partner wants to be loved, they’ll probably be touched or let you know how much they appreciated your words.^{[4]
X
Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- If you aren’t super good at saying your thoughts out loud, try writing them down or sending them in a text instead. It’s the actual content that counts!

5

Try giving your partner gifts.

Your partner's love language might be gift giving. If they really appreciate it when you bring them home a souvenir or grab them a snack from the grocery store, this is probably the way to go. It’s not about how big or expensive the gift is, it’s about the thought behind it.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- Your partner might also appreciate homemade gifts or something that shows you were thinking about them when they weren’t around.

6

Touch them more if they respond to affection.

Some people receive love through physical touch. If that’s your partner, they might like a long hug after a long day or holding hands in public. Make sure you touch your partner throughout the day, and try not to make every physical touch sexual.^{[6]
X
Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- You could also pat them on the arm, rub their back, or give them a foot massage.

7

Do things to help your partner out.

Acts of service can show your partner you love them. If your partner really likes it when you pick up around the house or do the dishes, their love language is probably acts of service. Try doing more chores after your partner has had a hard day to make them feel loved.^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- You might also do things that your partner really hates. For instance, if they can’t stand doing the laundry but you don’t mind it, show your love by taking over that chore.

8

Spend quality time with each other.

Quality time means a lot to many people. If quality time is your partner’s love language, make an effort to plan dates and spend time together just the two of you. Stay off your phone and really try to connect with your partner while you’re together.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- Oftentimes, people spend a lot of time with their partner, but it isn’t quality time. Make sure you actually connect with each other and talk about things besides chores, kids, or responsibilities.

9

Express how you want to be loved.

It might give your partner a better idea of what they need. If, for instance, you really like it when your partner does a few chores or cleans up around the house, you can tell them that you appreciate their acts of service. The more you express how you feel, the more comfortable they’ll feel letting you know about their own needs.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Or, maybe you really like it when your partner gets specific about the reasons why they love you. That means you probably like words of affirmation.
- Say something like, “I really love it when you give me a long hug or grab my hand in public. It makes me feel like you really care, and it makes me feel closer to you.”

10

Get feedback from your partner.

If you’re making an effort, check in to see how you’re doing. Maybe you can ask your partner once a week about what you did well and what they still need from you. Try not to take any negative feedback personally—your partner’s only telling you so that you can both be happier.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- You might say something like, “This week I really made an effort to communicate my love with words. How do you feel?”