Is It Normal to Never Fight in a Relationship?

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Eric McClure

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

If you’ve ever had a relationship where you and your partner were always at each other’s throats, it can feel strange to find yourself in a relationship that isn’t full of conflict. You may feel like something is off, or that it’s just too good to be true. You can take a deep breath, though; you probably don’t have anything to worry about. While it’s healthy to disagree occasionally in a relationship, the absence of conflict early on in a relationship is extremely normal. On top of that, it’s possible that you and your partner do fight—you just do it in a way that’s so healthy and productive that it doesn’t feel like it! In any case, if you want to know more about how much fighting is considered normal and diagnose whether this is a problem or not for you, you’re in the right place.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship expert, Kelli Miller, licensed pyschotherapist and award-winning author. Check out the full interview here.

Question 1 of 6:

Is it normal to never argue in a relationship?

1
It’s totally normal if the relationship is less than a year old. The “honeymoon phase” refers to the period early on in a relationship where everything is still new and fresh. Couples tend to not fight during this period because the excitement and momentum of the new relationship makes it easy to gloss over things you might otherwise argue about. This phase typically lasts 6-12 months, so don’t worry if you aren’t arguing and the relationship isn’t all that old!^{[1]
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- If a year passes and you still aren’t arguing about anything, don’t worry just yet. Every relationship is different and your honeymoon phase may just be longer than average.
- If you and your partner start fighting at some point after 6-12 months, don’t assume something is seriously wrong. This is par for the course, and while it may be unpleasant now, it’s an important step in growing your relationship.
2
It’s nearly impossible to never argue in a long-term relationship. No two people see the world in exactly the same way, and it’s absurd to expect people in a committed relationship to never argue. Every couple will have their disagreements, and that’s totally okay. If you and your partner have just started arguing and you’re worried that it’s a warning sign, relax. This is totally healthy and normal.^{[2]
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- Think about just how much you’d need to agree on in order to never argue in a long-term relationship. What to eat for dinner, where to rent your first apartment, when to get married, what religion you should raise your children under—you’d need to see eye-to-eye on all of it. That’s just unrealistic!

Question 2 of 6:

Is not arguing in a relationship healthy?

1
It is healthy so long as you’re at least disagreeing. We tend to imagine arguments in relationships as shouting matches full of passion and aggressive romance. In reality, that’s not the only way to fight. Quiet conversations where two people disagree in a respectful way 100% qualifies as conflict. So long as you and your partner are at least doing that, don’t worry about the lack of yelling.^{[3]
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- It’s possible that you and your partner argue all the time and it just doesn’t feel like it. If the two of you ever have calm disagreements, you’re arguing. You’re just doing it in a super healthy way!
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It’s not healthy if one of you is actively avoiding uncomfortable topics. Some couples never disagree or argue at all because one partner is intentionally stepping around something they’re unhappy about. This is not good, since those negative feelings will just build up over time. This can lead to frustration, resentment, and anger. If the two of you always seem to agree over anything and everything and this has been going on for years, you may want to sit down and discuss it to see if this is a potential issue.^{[4]
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- Checking in with your partner to let them know that you’re not going to be mad if they have something on their mind is a great way to set the stage for them to open up.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.}
- If you’re upset about something and you’ve been actively avoiding the topic, consider writing your feelings down and giving the letter to your partner. It’s often scary to say how you feel out loud, and a lot of people find it easier to process their feelings on paper.

Question 3 of 6:

Is there any relationship without fights?

1
This is common when one partner has more power than the other. While many people lash out when they feel like they have less control than their partner does, some people just shut down—especially if they need something their partner provides that they can’t get anywhere else. A total lack of fighting can be common in these unhealthy relationships where one partner has a lot more power than the other.^{[6]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- For example, if one partner is a stay-at-home parent who has no income and they rely on their partner to provide for them, it’s pretty understandable that the stay-at-home partner would actively avoid rocking the boat.
- These relationships will benefit deeply from couple’s therapy. It can be hard to fix an unequal relationship once it’s already established if you don’t get some outside help.
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Every healthy relationship does (and should) have its fights. Fighting isn’t fun, but it is important when it comes to the long-term stability and health of a relationship. If you’re holding out for the perfect relationship where you and your dream partner never argue, you’re probably going to be disappointed.^{[7]
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Research source} Look for someone who is kind and treats you with respect. So long as they fulfill those two requirements, your fights shouldn’t be too crazy.^{[8]
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- If you want a partner who you’ll fight less often with, look for someone who holds similar beliefs and values.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.} Overlapping political, religious, and philosophical beliefs will help you avoid a lot of the tougher arguments.^{[10]
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Question 4 of 6:

What are the main benefits of fighting in a relationship?

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It helps each person reassert independence and establish boundaries. Arguments demonstrate where the line is for each person in a relationship. This is vital in a health relationship. If one partner absolutely can’t stand it when the dishes go undone and that’s super important to them, it’s important to establish that early. Fights also remind couples that each partner is an individual. Autonomous couples are happy couples!^{[11]
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- Autonomy refers to a person’s ability to control themselves. Fighting is one way for a partner to say, “I want control over this aspect of our relationship” to the other. This is actually really key when it comes to negotiating authority and mutual respect in a partnership.
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It gives you practice for the big, important disagreements you’ll have. Fighting over smaller issues can help you and your partner work out the kinks in your arguing style. That may seem like a small thing but arguing is a skill, and mastering that skill before you really need it is a big deal. One day, you and your partner may disagree on something serious, like marriage, having kids, or finances. Learning how to disagree productively by that point is essential.^{[12]
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- Every couple argues differently, and learning what triggers your partner, what escalates fights, and what brings them back into a productive space is going to be important one day!
3
The “argue and makeup” cycle strengthens your bond as a couple. Conflict can bring people closer together, and that’s especially true for romantic relationships. Clashing over something important to both of you can be miserable as it’s happening, but compromising and making up usually brings you closer together. In this sense, fighting makes your relationship stronger!^{[13]
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- The one scenario where this isn’t true is if you and your partner consistently have the same fight over and over again. That’s usually a sign that the two of you need to address an underlying problem that you may not have identified yet.

Question 5 of 6:

How can I tell if the lack of fighting is a problem?

1
It’s a problem if someone’s needs aren’t being met. If either you or your partner are not getting what you fundamentally need out of the relationship, then the lack of fighting is a sign that the relationship may not be equitable.^{[14]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.} You should both feel comfortable expressing a desire for something you need, and if you aren’t doing that just to avoid a fight, it needs to be addressed.^{[15]
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- If you’re the one who has a need going unmet, sit down with your partner and say, “Hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this for a while, but I’ve been putting it off. I really need…” Try to discuss it in a calm, friendly way, and if there’s some friction, then that’s okay! You’ll work through it.
- If you suspect your partner has an unmet need, remind them regularly that you just want to make them happy and that you’ll never be upset if they have an issue they want to talk about. Some people just really need that reminder to feel comfortable expressing themselves.^{[16]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.}
2
It’s a potential issue if one of you is actively avoiding conflict. If there is a concrete point of friction that either you or your partner are actively tiptoeing around it, any negative feelings being harbored are just going to get worse over time. If something really bothers you, say so! If you think something is bothering your partner, encourage them to speak up. Even if it triggers a fight now, you’ll be better off in the long run.^{[17]
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- If you occasionally notice your partner is “off” and you suspect they’re mad at you but won’t say anything, remind them that you’ll be okay if they say what’s on their mind. If they do finally open up, thank them for being honest—even if their complaint annoys you a bit in the moment.
- If you’re upset about something but you really don’t want to fight, just say that! Tell your partner, “Hey, I’m not trying to start a fight, and I care for you a lot. That said, it really bothers me when you…”
3
If you’re happy and things are good, don’t worry about the lack of fighting. Every couple is different when it come to the frequency and intensity of their arguments.^{[18]
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Research source} So long as you and your partner are in love, feel fulfilled, and are committed to one another, don’t worry too much about a lack of conflict. This is one of those things where it’s only a problem if there is a bigger underlying problem, so if you’re happy, don’t overthink it!^{[19]
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Question 6 of 6:

How can I argue productively with my partner?

1
Affirm them before criticizing, and stay cool and collected. Go out of your way to say something productive and nice before you work your way into any complaints or criticisms. This should soften any negative feelings and keep things calm, which is essential. Nothing productive happens when you’re shouting at one another, and remaining relaxed, honest, and friendly is key to making progress.^{[20]
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- For example, if you’re upset that your partner never gets you flowers, you might say, “I love you very much, and I know you express your love for me in your own way, but I really love it when you get me gifts every now and then.”
2
Focus your complaints on behaviors, not personal characteristics. Remind yourself that it’s “us versus a problem,” not “me vs. you.” From this perspective, your focus should be on things you or your partner does—not who they are as a person. When you start talking about your issues with your partner as a person, it can put them on the defensive.^{[21]
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- This is where using “I” language is helpful. Always saying “you never…” and “you are…” can make it feel like an attack. Think about the difference between, “You’re a slob,” and “I feel like you don’t clean up after yourself sometimes.”^{[22]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.}
- As another example, say you’re mad that your partner takes forever to call or text you back. You might feel like saying, “You don’t care about me enough to even pick up a phone.” What will they hear there? “You don’t care about me…” Instead, you might say, “I’d appreciate it if you were more responsive when I call or text you.”
3
Schedule conflict ahead of time and call timeouts if things get heated. It might sound a little silly, but scheduling your fights can take the venom out of them. It gives both partners time to cool off and process how they feel. On top of that, giving each person the ability to “call timeout” can keep arguments from getting out of hand. This will really help keep your disagreements from turning into shouting matches.^{[23]
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- Despite popular belief, it’s totally okay to “go to bed angry.” Sometimes, sleeping on it gives people the time they need to calm down and work through the issue in their head.^{[24]
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