How Often Should You Text Someone You Just Started Dating?

Co-authored by Judith Gottesman, MSW and Hunter Rising

Last Updated: April 6, 2022 References

You’re excited to be dating someone new, but you’re not sure if you’re texting them enough (or too much) at the beginning of your relationship. When you’re chatting with your new boo, it’s important to send enough messages to keep them interested but not so many that you overwhelm them. While every couple is different, there are a few basic rules for texting you can follow. Keep reading to learn how often to text someone you just started dating plus how to tell if you and your partner have healthy texting habits.

Section 1 of 3:

How often should you text someone you just started dating?

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Two or three times a week if you’re keeping it casual. If you’ve only gone on a couple of dates so far, it might seem like you’re coming on too strong if you text every day. Try to check in when your partner isn’t busy, like in the evenings or on the weekends since they’ll probably reply sooner. Only texting them a couple of times lets your partner have some space and gives them the chance to reach out first too.
- You might send a text to let your partner know you’re thinking of them or to plan when you’re going to see them next.
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At least once every day if you’re in an exclusive relationship. When you and your partner decide that you’re not dating around or seeing anyone else, they’ll expect you to communicate with them more. If you want them to start their morning off with a smile, you could send a cute good morning text. You could also check-in at the end of the night to catch up on how each of your days went.^{[1]
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Talk to your partner about what you both prefer. Some people prefer chatting over text more than others, so check in with your partner to see what they like. If you have the same texting preferences, that’s great! However, you might find out that they only want to text a little bit, like if you’re setting up plans rather than having full conversations. Listen to what they have to say and agree on how often works best for both of you.
- You might say, “I like to text a lot to stay in touch, but I get if that’s not what you like to do. How many messages are you comfortable sending and receiving every day?”

Section 2 of 3:

Signs of Healthy Texting Habits in Your Relationship

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You take turns sending the first message. Even if you’re really excited to talk with your partner and want to initiate, take a step back and let them take the lead from time to time. When you give your partner the chance to reach out and send the first text, they have an opportunity to let you know how much they care about you.^{[2]
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You have quality conversations with a purpose. Even if you don’t send texts every day, the quality is more important than the quantity. When you text your partner, have a reason for sending the message, like getting to know them better or setting up plans.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Judith Gottesman, MSW
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 19 October 2021.} Before you send a text, think of the reason that you’re reaching out and be direct so it doesn’t look like you’re just reaching out because you have nothing else to do.
- You can text each other about things you have in common.^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Judith Gottesman, MSW
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 19 October 2021.}
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You send an even balance of messages. You and your partner should send around the same number of texts so you’re both adding to the conversation. Try to keep your messages around the same length as your partner’s as well so it doesn’t seem like one of you is trying to talk over the other.
- If only one of you is leading the conversation, then it can start to feel one-sided.
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You feel like you can say anything and be yourself. Your partner should make you feel really comfortable and confident when you’re texting with them. If you’re feeling good in your relationship, you’ll chat about whatever comes to your mind without second-guessing what you sent them. Even if you say something they disagree with, you should still feel like your partner respects what you have to say.
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You respect each other’s texting boundaries. If you or your partner needs to focus or wants some alone time, you may set a boundary not to text at certain times. Even if you really want to chat with your partner, it’s important to listen to their boundaries and wait to text them when they’re available. Your partner will really appreciate that you’re giving them the space they need.

Section 3 of 3:

Signs That You’re Texting Too Much

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You expect them to respond immediately. Your partner will respond when they get the chance, but they might be busy or away from their phone when you text them. If it takes some time for them to text you back, they probably just saw your message.^{[5]
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You’re messaging before they get a chance to reply. Double-texting and leaving your partner with a wall of texts is a lot for them to read through. If your partner hasn’t responded in a while, take a deep breath to relax and try to find something else to take your mind off the conversation. Rather than asking why they haven’t messaged back or piling on more messages, just wait for their reply.^{[6]
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You aren’t hearing back from your partner. If you’re casually dating and your partner hasn’t replied in a while, don’t jump to conclusions about why. Some messages don’t need responses. For example, if you’re just telling your partner simple information or a confirmation, they may not send a text back. Instead of texting them more, give them time to reply since they’re bound to reach out to you at some point soon.
- If your partner only sends one-word responses or hasn’t responded in a few days, then there’s a chance they may not be as into you. You can ask them about how they feel directly if you want to know for sure.
- People's time is valuable. So it is better not to mislead each other into thinking that you are interested or open when you are not.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Judith Gottesman, MSW
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 19 October 2021.}

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How Often Should You Text Someone ...

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I communicate effectively with my partner?

Judith Gottesman, MSW
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Judith Gottesman is a Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder of Soul Mates Unlimited™️ Date Coaching and Matchmaking. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in using psychology, attention to detail, and her intuition to create lasting matches. She is known as The West Coast Jewish Community’s Matchmaker, but her dating advice works for everyone. Her work has been featured in numerous national media outlets, such as The New York Times, NPR, and Fox News. Judith is also an author of two books, Your Soul Mate Awaits! and The Lost Art of Dating. She holds a BA in Psychology from The University of California, Berkeley and an MA in Social Work from Yeshiva University.

Judith Gottesman, MSW

Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Find things you have in common and use them to connect with your partner. Do not talk too much about yourself. Instead, ask the person questions about them.
Question

How do you turn down someone on text?

Judith Gottesman, MSW
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Judith Gottesman is a Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder of Soul Mates Unlimited™️ Date Coaching and Matchmaking. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in using psychology, attention to detail, and her intuition to create lasting matches. She is known as The West Coast Jewish Community’s Matchmaker, but her dating advice works for everyone. Her work has been featured in numerous national media outlets, such as The New York Times, NPR, and Fox News. Judith is also an author of two books, Your Soul Mate Awaits! and The Lost Art of Dating. She holds a BA in Psychology from The University of California, Berkeley and an MA in Social Work from Yeshiva University.

Judith Gottesman, MSW

Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Answer

It is better not to mislead someone into thinking that you are interested or open to them when you are not. If you want to turn down someone, you can say, it was nice texting with you, talking with you, you seem like a nice person, but I do not think we are a match.