How Long Does it Take to Trust Again After Being Cheated On?

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: July 13, 2022 References

When you’ve been cheated on, it can feel like you’ll never be able to trust anyone again. Since trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, rebuilding that is incredibly important, whether you’d like to give your partner a second chance or you’re moving on to someone new. We’ve answered your questions about trust in relationships to help you heal and move on from infidelity. It might not happen instantly, but if you keep at it and don’t give up, you will be able to trust again in time.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship expert, Kelli Miller, licensed pyschotherapist and award-winning author. Check out the full interview here.

Question 1 of 8:

How long does it take to get over being cheated on?

It’s different for everyone, but research suggests around 2 years. Your pain isn’t going to go away overnight, and that’s okay.^{[1]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Things might suck for a little bit (or even a while), but after about 2 years, you’ll probably no longer feel the deep, aching pain of being betrayed.^{[2]
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- Let yourself be raw with your emotions. You can cry, scream, rage, whatever you need to do. All that matters is you get your feelings out to start the healing process.
- Some people heal much faster, while others take a lot longer. Don’t rush your own process, and take all the time that you need.

Question 2 of 8:

Can you ever trust again after being cheated on?

Yes, you definitely can, although it’s going to take some time. When you get cheated on, you might feel like you’re never going to be able to trust anyone again—especially not the person who cheated on you. However, time and time again couples choose to stick together after infidelity, and many of them make it work. If you give yourself enough time to process and heal, you’re going to be able to trust people again.^{[3]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- If you don’t stay with the person who cheated on you, that’s totally valid—not every relationship can survive infidelity. When you find someone new, you might feel the hangover effects of distrust from your old relationship. Try to remind yourself that your new partner is different from your ex, and be open about your past. Hopefully, your new partner will be able to reassure you so you don’t have any doubts about them.

Question 3 of 8:

How do you fix trust issues after being cheated on?

Start by understanding why and how the cheating happened. You don’t have to go into all the details, but you do need to ask your partner exactly why they cheated on you and how they allowed it to happen. Then, you can address your underlying issues and work on building the trust back up together.^{[5]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- People sometimes cheat out of anger, low self-esteem, need for variety, or circumstance. None of these things excuse the cheating, but the reasoning can help you understand your partner a little bit more.

Question 4 of 8:

How can I trust my partner again?

Work through your issues with a couple’s counselor. Working through infidelity is extremely hard to do on your own, and you shouldn’t be expected to walk you and your partner through it. If your partner cheated on you and you want to save the relationship, most experts recommend making an appointment with a couple’s counselor right away.^{[7]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} They can help you work through what happened and give you the skills you need as a couple to move on from the affair.^{[8]
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- A couple’s counselor can provide an unbiased third-party opinion after listening to both you and your partner. They can also give you solid, concrete steps to take to work on your trust issues and build your relationship back up.
- Couple's counseling can also help you explore some of the challenging emotions you're experiencing, like grief and anger.^{[9]
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  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}

Question 5 of 8:

Is “once a cheater always a cheater” true?

If the cheater doesn’t feel remorse, then yes, it can be. Serial cheaters, or people who cheat on their partners all the time, might say that they’re sorry, but they don’t actually mean it. If you confront your partner about cheating and they try to brush it off or tell you that it wasn’t a big deal, chances are, they’re going to do it again. On the other hand, if it was an honest mistake that your partner feels really badly about, there’s a high likelihood that you two can work on your issues together.^{[10]
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- Just because someone cheated in their past relationships doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to cheat on you. If they can talk about it and admit that it was wrong, they may have grown and matured enough to where they won’t cheat again.

Question 6 of 8:

What should you not do after being cheated on?

1
Don’t make rash decisions. In the flurry of emotions after you discover you’ve been cheated on, it’s almost impossible to make a rational choice about your relationship. Give yourself some time to think about what happened and what you’d like to do next, even though it might seem hard. After a few days (or weeks), you can come back to your partner with a decision about the relationship and whether you’d like to continue it or break up.^{[11]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
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Don’t ignore what happened. Sweeping infidelity under the rug never works out, and it can cause bigger issues in the long run. You and your partner need to get everything out into the open, no matter how much it hurts. Then, you start the healing and forgiveness process, both for yourself and for your relationship.^{[12]
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Don’t ignore your self-care. Your well-being is extremely important during this emotional time. As you work through your own thoughts and feelings, be sure that you’re still eating well, sleeping for around 8 hours, and doing something for yourself once a day. It might feel like it’s unimportant, but taking the time for yourself can make all the difference.^{[13]
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- You might try taking a hike, going for a bike ride, reading a good book, listening to music, or taking a relaxing bubble bath.

Question 7 of 8:

Can you truly forgive someone for cheating?

Yes, but it’s probably going to take a long time. It might not seem like it right now, but eventually, your partner’s cheating can become a thing of the past. If you both promise to work hard and rebuild your trust together, you can become a close couple again and even trust your partner like you once did.^{[14]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- If your partner isn’t willing to work on their issues with you or they’ve cheated on you multiple times, it might be time to think about ending the relationship. It takes two to tango, just like it takes two to maintain a healthy, solid relationship.

Question 8 of 8:

How do you heal from being cheated on and lied to?

1
Lean on your support system. Your close friends and family members can give you the support you need during this tough time. Reach out to them and explain what’s going on so they can comfort and distract you. If you don’t feel like sharing what’s happening, simply hang out with them to get out of the house and clear your head.^{[16]
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Don’t blame yourself. It can be easy to blame yourself for your partner cheating, but that’s never the case. No matter why your partner cheated or how they framed it, there are a million other things they could have done besides stepping outside of the relationship. As you work past your trauma toward healing, keep reminding yourself that you did nothing wrong.^{[17]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
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Get professional help if you need to. Aside from couple’s counseling to work on your relationship, individual therapy can also be very helpful. They can help you work through your emotions and process everything that you’ve gone through up until this point. They can also help you make a decision about your relationship and whether or not you want to move forward with it. Reach out to a licensed professional today to talk about getting an appointment if you’d like to.^{[19]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do when you suspect your partner is cheating?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Be direct! Sit down with your partner and share your concerns in a non-accusatory way. You might say, "Hey, I'm having some fears that you're going outside the relationship. Can we talk about this in an open and honest way?"