How Can Exes Ruin Relationships?

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: February 28, 2022 References

Breakups are tough enough, but even after a relationship ends, your ex has the potential to sabotage your next attempt at love. Being friends with your ex might sound like a fine idea, but it can actually hurt your future or current relationships. Keep reading to learn why you might want to stay away from your ex, even if it’s been a while since the breakup.

1

You might not give new relationships a chance.

If you’re still thinking about your ex, you might be sabotaging your attempts at love. Keeping your ex around can be detrimental for your love life, because you might be hoping (even subconsciously) that you two will get back together. To really give yourself a true shot at a new relationship, you probably need to take some time away from your ex.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Jumping into dating too quickly could also be a reason that you aren’t super open to a new relationship right now. If the breakup is still fresh, you might need to take some time for yourself before looking for love again.

2

You need time away from your ex to heal and move on.

If you don’t move on from your ex, finding a new relationship will be tough. Experts recommend taking at least 3 months apart from your ex.^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.} If your ex is constantly reaching out or trying to chat with you, it can really prevent you from getting over them. In general, you should try to take some time apart from your ex after you two break up, at least for a little while.
- You might also want to delete old pics and text from your phone, just to get rid of any reminders of the relationship.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Amy Chan
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.}
- If you want to be friends with your ex later on, that’s fine! However, jumping straight into a friendship after a breakup can be confusing.

3

Your ex could make new partners uncomfortable.

If you do end up with a new partner, they might not love having your ex around. This could put a strain on your relationship—if you want to be friends with your ex and your new partner isn’t a fan, you could have some problems. Make sure that the next person you date is okay with the relationship you have with your ex, and that they feel secure enough with you.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- In general, if you and your ex are truly just friends, there shouldn’t be any issues.

4

Your ex could make new partners jealous.

Lots of people don’t want to get involved with someone who still talks to their ex. If you’re trying to date people again and they find out that you and your ex are pals, they might get a little spooked. Of course, if you and your ex are truly platonic, this shouldn’t be an issue—but if you or your ex have any lingering feelings for each other, you’re going to have a hard time finding someone new.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- This is why it’s important to give yourself time to move on before branching out and dating again. If you still have feelings for your ex, it’s going to be tough to find someone else.

5

You may compare your current partner to your ex.

Holding your ex on a pedestal can ruin relationships before they even start. If you find someone new to date but they “aren’t as good” as your ex, you might write them off unnecessarily. Remember that all relationships are different, and while it’s fine to have standards, pushing someone away too soon can hinder your search for love.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Nobody’s perfect, especially not your ex. If you find yourself comparing your new partner to them, try thinking of some bad qualities your ex had.

6

You may start having feelings for your ex again.

When your ex is still around, it’s easy to get thinking about them again. Maybe you realize that you messed up and you want to get back together, or maybe you just think they’ve changed. Either way, still keeping up with your ex can hold you back from other relationships, because you’ll be thinking about getting back together with them.^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.}
- This tends to happen a lot in on-again off-again relationships. Your ex stays in your life, so you never have a chance to branch out on your own, and you end up getting back together with them instead.

7

You might be tempted to try a physical relationship with your ex.

Friends-with-benefits relationships rarely work out with an ex-partner. When your ex is still around after a breakup, it’s easy to think that you two could maybe hook up now and then without consequences. However, that’s rarely the case, and it’s more likely that one or both of you will start getting feelings for each other again. Hanging onto your ex like that can prevent you from moving on, which can hinder new relationships before they even begin.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- For most people, physical intimacy is tied in with feelings of love. If you hook up with your ex again, it could blur the boundaries of your breakup.

8

You might feel hurt as you see your ex move on.

Even if you’re over your ex, seeing them date again might not feel great. If your ex moves on before you do, it might hurt you even more, which can prevent you from healing from the breakup. Experts recommend unfollowing your ex on social media, at least for a little while, so you don’t have to see updates like these if you don’t want to.^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- Once you’re completely over your ex, it’s fine to follow them online again. However, you may want to give yourself some time.

9

You might accidentally lead your ex on.

Maybe you want to branch out now, but you know your ex is still an option. This isn’t really fair to anyone—not to your ex, and not to any potential new partners. Although it can feel good to have a backup option in case your new relationships don’t work out, this can really hurt you in the long run.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Playing it safe isn’t the best way to find love. If you hold yourself back from giving it your all with a new partner, you probably won’t be able to move on.

10

Your ex might try to get back together with you.

This can ruin your chance at future relationships. Your ex could reach out via text, phone call, or social media to try and talk to you again in a romantic way. When this happens, it can really make you feel confused, and it can put you in a kind of limbo that’s hard to move on from. Making a clean break from your ex is very important—that way, you both know that you two are broken up, and there’s no chance of getting back together.^{[11]
X
Research source}