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This article was written by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.
There are 11 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 13,885 times.
Do you often find yourself in fights with your partner that devolve into nasty name-calling? Calling each other names is not a productive way to fight, and it often leads to more problems instead of actually fixing the issue at hand. If you want to learn more about name-calling and what it might be doing to your relationship, we’ve got you covered—we’ll tell you all about name-calling, what it’s doing to your relationship, and how you can work together to avoid it in the future.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Allen Wagner. Check out the full interview here.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
What Name-Calling Does to Your Relationship
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1It builds resentment. Being called names isn’t fun, and those hurt feelings don’t just go away after a fight is over. While you or your partner might say things you don’t mean during an argument, they still hurt to hear. Over time, enough name-calling can make you and your partner build resentment toward each other.[1]
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2It prevents communication. When an argument devolves into name-calling, you and your partner aren’t talking about the issue at hand anymore. Instead, you’re focused on attacking each other or defending yourself. Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and if that’s gone, the relationship may break down over time.[2]
- Try to think of an argument as you and your partner vs. the problem, not you vs. your partner. If you can both tackle issues together, your communication is much less likely to break down.
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3It doesn’t help you fight fairly. All couples argue from time to time—it’s just a fact of life. However, there is a way to fight fairly to reach a compromise together. When someone uses name-calling in an argument, it stands in the way of fighting fairly, meaning that neither you nor your partner can express your needs fully.[3]
- Think of “fair fights” as more of discussions rather than arguments. Someone is bringing up a problem, and now you need to work together to solve it.
- In fair fights, there are no winners or losers—both of you should feel content with the outcome of your discussion.
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Section 2 of 4:
Why Name-Calling Is a Form of Abuse
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1It shows a lack of respect. Healthy relationships require not only love for your partner, but respect, too. When your partner calls you names, they’re telling you directly that they don’t respect you as a person. This is a sign that your relationship might not be healthy, and you and your partner need to make some changes.[4]
- Think about someone you really respect in your life, like your parent or your boss. Would you ever call them names? The same should be true for your partner.
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2It’s a form of control. Does your partner use name-calling to “win” an argument with you? You might notice that every time your partner feels like they aren’t in control of a disagreement, they’ll resort to name-calling to shut things down. This isn’t an accident—name-calling is a powerful way to hurt someone’s feelings enough so that they don’t want to continue the conversation anymore.[5]
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3It makes you feel belittled. Getting called terrible names doesn’t make anyone feel good, especially if the person calling you them is your partner. When your partner calls you names, it can make you doubt your own self-worth. In healthy relationships, partners focus on building each other up, not tearing each other down.[6]
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Section 3 of 4:
What to Do If Your Partner Calls You Names
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1Calm down so you feel level-headed. Calling out your partner in the moment might lead to an even bigger fight. Instead, if your partner has just called you a name, give each other some time to calm down before you approach them again.[7]
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2Talk about how the name-calling makes you feel. Focus on your feelings so your partner doesn’t feel like you’re blaming them.[8] Use “I” statements, and really express how getting called names during an argument is taking a toll on your mental health. If your partner understands where you’re coming from, they may be less likely to repeat their behavior in the future.
- “When you call me stupid or dumb, it makes me feel belittled.”
- “When you call me names, I feel really sad.”
- “I know you’re just expressing your anger, but getting called names makes me feel like you don’t love me.”
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3Suggest talking about their emotions instead of name-calling. Usually, people resort to name-calling when they want to express their anger but they don’t know how. Try telling your partner that instead of calling you names, they can focus on talking about their emotions and expressing themselves to you. That way, you can both understand each other a little better.[9]
- “I know that you’re calling me names because you’re upset. I’d really love it if you could talk to me about your feelings instead so that we could have a productive conversation.”
- “When you feel like you want to call me names, maybe you could pause and gather your thoughts first. Then, we could regroup and come back to talk about why you’re upset.”
- If you’re having trouble talking through this with your partner on your own, consider having a couple’s counselor facilitate the conversation.
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4Leave the relationship if you feel unsafe. There’s a big difference between a slip of the tongue and manipulation through repeated name-calling. Verbal abuse can also sometimes lead to physical abuse, which can put you in danger. If you’ve talked to your partner and nothing has changed, make a plan to leave the relationship safely.[10]
- Remember, your safety is your top priority. If you feel unsafe, call a trusted friend, a relative, or the authorities to help you.
- If you are in an abusive relationship and you need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
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Section 4 of 4:
How to Stop Calling Your Partner Names
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1Take a break to calm down. When you feel like you want to call your partner a bad name, ask for a break and walk away. Take 5 or 10 minutes to do some deep breathing exercises, and really think about what you want to say next.[11]
- “I can feel myself getting worked up. Could we take a break for a second?”
- “I just need 10 minutes to get my thoughts straight.”
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2Talk about your feelings calmly and concisely. Instead of attacking your partner, focus on expressing yourself: how do you feel right now? What’s making you feel that way? What could your partner do to help the situation? Talking about your feelings can be hard, but the more you practice it, the better you’ll get. If you can tell your partner exactly what’s going on, you’ll have a much more productive conversation.[12]
- “I’m upset because I asked you to do the dishes, but they still aren’t done.”
- “I’m feeling frustrated because we’ve had this same conversation before, and I feel like you’re not listening to me.”
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3Apologize if you do call your partner names. If you happen to slip up and call your partner a name, just pause, say that you’re sorry, and try to speak respectfully from then on. If you can catch yourself right away and correct the behavior, you’re much less likely to call your partner names in the future.[13]
- “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just really frustrated right now.”
- “I’m so sorry, I should not have just called you that. Could we take a pause for a second?”
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Warnings
- Verbal abuse may be a sign that your relationship is abusive and you need to split up. If you are in an abusive relationship and you need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References
- ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/sticks-and-stones-will-break-my-bones-name-calling-in-intimate-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/11-common-patterns-verbal-abuse/
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/11-common-patterns-verbal-abuse/
- ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/verbal_abuse_is_more_than_name_calling
- ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/verbal_abuse_is_more_than_name_calling
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence/art-20048397
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-relationships/201305/confronting-emotional-abuser
- ↑ https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf
- ↑ https://store.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/d7/priv/anger_management_manual_508_compliant.pdf
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
- ↑ https://www.nhsinform.scot/healthy-living/mental-wellbeing/anger-management/how-to-control-your-anger
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20045434
- ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-genuinely-apologize/
About This Article
Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
This article was written by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates. This article has been viewed 13,885 times.
Co-authors: 5
Updated: May 28, 2022
Views: 13,885
Categories: Relationships
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