How to Help an Emotionally Unstable Person & What to Say When Someone Is Struggling

Co-authored by Tracy Carver, PhD and Kira Jan

Last Updated: October 24, 2022 References

When someone seems emotionally unstable, it can be hard to know exactly what to do or say to help them. While you can’t force anyone to seek out professional help, you can support an emotionally unstable person by validating their experiences, explaining the benefits of treatment, and offering caring support.^{[1]
X
Research source} We’ve compiled ways for you to guide the person towards the professional services they need while offering the best support you can provide them.

1

Express your concerns to the person.

Open up a conversation by describing the behavior you’ve observed. It can feel hard to start a conversation about mental health with someone, but when you use “I” statements, you can talk about your concerns without making the person feel blamed or judged.^{[2]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- “I’ve been worried about you lately.”
- “I’ve noticed some changes in your behavior lately, so I wanted to check in with you.”
- “I wanted to see how you’re doing, since you’ve seemed [down/stressed/upset].”

2

Ask open-ended questions.

Start your questions with a word like “how,” “what,” or “why.” By asking questions that allow the person to respond with more than a “yes” or “no,” you gain a better understanding of that person’s situation and show them you care about their thoughts, feelings, and ideas.^{[3]
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Research source}
- “How are you feeling about that?”
- “What’s troubling you?”
- “Would you tell me more about [the situation/your feelings/that experience]?”

3

Listen more often than you speak.

Practice active listening to make the person feel heard.^{[4]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} When you actively listen, you give your full attention to the speaker and engage with what they say. From time to time, you can summarize what the person is saying and encourage them to go on.^{[5]
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Research source}
- Make eye contact and stay relaxed in your posture.
- Check your understanding by asking “So it seems like you’re saying… Is that right?”
- Show them you’re listening by occasionally nodding, saying “Oh” or “Mmm-hmm.”
- Prompt them to go on by asking “And?” or “Could you tell me more about that?”

4

Acknowledge the other person’s emotions.

By telling someone their feelings are valid, you’ll create connection. Oftentimes, people think that supporting someone’s feelings will reinforce negative emotions or make the situation worse. In fact, by affirming someone’s feelings, you can encourage communication and make them feel understood!^{[6]
X
Research source} That type of connection can go a long way in improving the situation.
- “I hear how upset/sad/angry you are.”^{[7]
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  Research source}
- “That sounds really difficult.”
- “You seem sad.”^{[8]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
  Health organization devoted to saving lives and helping those affected by suicide.
  Go to source}

5

Tell them you are there to support them.

Remind the person they’re not alone to help them feel more comfortable. Struggling with mental health can feel scary and isolating, and the person might even feel like they’re burdening others by sharing their difficulties.^{[9]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} By explicitly stating that you’re there to help and are on their side, you can de-escalate anger or suspicion while reinforcing that the person matters and has value.^{[10]
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Research source}
- “I’m here for you. Please let me know how I can help.”
- “I may not be able to know exactly what you’re feeling, but I care about you and want to support you.”^{[11]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}
- “You matter to me.”

6

Guide the person to a mental health professional.

Explain how professional treatment can help. Even though you’re doing your best to support and care for this person, only a mental health professional can truly help resolve any underlying issues. Let the person know that psychologists are trained and use scientifically-proven methods that can help them feel better.^{[12]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
- “When I hear you talk about how [upset/sad/angry/stressed] you are, I feel worried. I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to someone about how you’re feeling.”^{[13]
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  Research source}
- “Could I help you find a therapist/doctor to talk to?”
- If you have experience seeing a therapist, try talking about how much it helped you. That might help the other person feel more at ease with the idea.^{[14]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tracy Carver, PhD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 7 January 2021.}
- If the person can’t afford treatment, encourage them to go to a governmentally-funded free clinical (called Federally Qualified Health Centers in the U.S.) or reach out to the National Alliance on Mental Health 24/7 hotline by texting NAMI to 741741.^{[15]
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  Research source}

7

In any way you can, help them go to treatment.

Offer to drive or go along to appointments, or help pay the co-pay.^{[16]
X
Research source} You can also offer to call their primary care physician for a referral to a psychologist. Even just sitting next to them to look up a psychologist through a workplace referral program or the internet might be helpful. However, since everyone likes to get support in different ways, you can always just ask what they’d like for help and be sure to respect their boundaries.^{[17]
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Research source}
- “How do you feel about me driving you to the appointment?”
- “How can I best support you?”
- “What can I do to help you?”

8

If possible, offer to help with daily tasks.

Assist with everyday tasks to help reduce this person’s stress. If you can do the tasks together, you might also help that person feel less lonely, which is especially important since chronic stress and loneliness can worsen underlying mental health issues.^{[18]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} Just make sure to look out for your own time and energy by picking tasks that feel reasonable to you and that you can commit to doing.^{[19]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- “Is there something I can take on to help make your life easier?”
- Offer to help with grocery shopping, cooking, childcare, or household chores.

9

Watch out for suicide warning signs.

If you think the person might hurt themselves, get help immediately. Call your national emergency number or the suicide prevention hotline phone number for your country, such as 988 if you're in the United States (you can also text this number).^{[20]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Let the person know your concerns and explicitly ask “Are you thinking about suicide?”^{[21]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  National Institute of Mental Health
  Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness.
  Go to source}
- Take the person to a safe place and remove objects the person could use to hurt themselves while you wait for help.
- Check in with them after the crisis is over.

10

Take care of yourself.

If you feel really overwhelmed, set boundaries. Caring for someone dealing with mental health difficulties can be really tough. It’s okay to set limits on when you can talk, what you can talk about, and how you’d like the person to speak to you if they’re being disrespectful or abusive. Looking out for yourself will ultimately help you take better care of the other person!^{[22]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
Go to source}
- “I’m here for you, but a mental health professional might be able to give you even better support.”^{[23]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Cleveland Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- If the person is being abusive or disrespectful, say, “When you talk to me that way, I find it really hard to listen.”
- Take time for yourself to spend time with others and do activities you enjoy to de-stress.