How to Help a Friend in a Bad Marriage

Co-authored by Michael Dickerson, PsyD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: June 11, 2022 References

Listening to a friend vent about their bad marriage can take its toll—but how do you help them out without pushing them away? Figuring out what to say and how to say it is important, especially if your friend has no plans of leaving their spouse. In this article, we’ve detailed the specific ways you can support your friend who’s in a tough marriage without overstepping your boundaries.

1

Be a good listener.

Put down any distractions and focus your full attention on what your friend is saying. Nod along with their words, and ask clarifying questions if you don’t understand something. Let your friend talk uninterrupted, and keep the focus on them instead of yourself. It will make them feel heard, and they’ll know that they can trust you with their problems.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
State of Massachusetts
Official website for the State of Massachusetts
Go to source}^{[2]
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Expert Source

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.}
- As your friend talks, say things like, “I’m sorry to hear that,” and, “Can you tell me more?” so they know you’re listening.

2

Try not to insult their partner.

This might drive a rift between you and your friend. They might tell you awful things about their spouse, but it’s up to you to keep quiet and not make any judgements. Insulting someone’s partner (even a bad one) can make them defensive, and ultimately, it could damage your friendship.^{[3]
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- When they talk negatively about their marriage, try to stick to neutral statements, like, “That sounds really hard,” and, “I’m really sorry you’re going through that right now.”

3

Keep the focus on them, not their partner.

Let your friend know that you want to talk about them, not their spouse. This will help them feel more comfortable talking to you, and it lets them know that you care about how they’re feeling. Ask them how they’re coping with these tough times, what they’re doing to care for themselves, and if they need any help. Try things like:^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
State of Massachusetts
Official website for the State of Massachusetts
Go to source}
- “Are you okay? That sounds really tough. I’m always here to talk if you need me.”
- “Do you need any help this week? It sounds like you’re going through a lot.”

4

Offer advice if your friend wants it.

That way, you don’t overload them with information. Sometimes people are just venting, while other times they actually want advice on what they should do. To avoid overstepping your bounds, only offer your opinion if your friend asks. That way, they won’t get offended, and your friendship will remain solid no matter what.^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
Go to source}^{[6]
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Expert Source

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.}
- If you really aren’t sure what your friend needs right now, feel free to ask. Say something like, “Are you just venting, or do you want some advice?”
- Remember—it's okay if you can't "fix" the problem! A lot of times, people just want to be heard.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Michael Dickerson, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.}

5

Remind your friend that they deserve a good partner.

It can be easy to forget that we don’t deserve bad treatment. If your friend has been putting up with a bad marriage for a long time, try to gently remind them that they deserve to be in a happy, loving relationship. You don’t need to talk badly about their spouse, but you can remind them of how much happier they used to be. Say something like:^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
State of Massachusetts
Official website for the State of Massachusetts
Go to source}
- “We all deserve to be in relationships that make us feel good. I’m sorry that yours isn’t that way right now.”
- “You really don’t deserve to be in a marriage that makes you feel so awful.”

6

Build up your friend’s self-esteem.

Remind your friend of all the good qualities they possess. You can sprinkle these throughout your conversation and even drop them in randomly whenever you feel like it. The more your friend feels good about themselves, the more they’ll realize that they deserve to be in a good marriage, not a bad one.^{[9]
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- You might say things like, “One thing I’ve always liked about you is that…” or, “I admire how you always…”

7

Tell your friend how concerned you are.

This is a good way to let them know that they deserve better. This can feel a little strange at first, but it’s a nice way to remind your friend that what they’re going through isn’t normal. You can express that when they tell you all of the awful things that their spouse does to them, you feel sad, upset, and hurt. Try something like:^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source
US Office on Women's Health
U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health
Go to source}
- “I get scared thinking about what might happen to you.”
- “I feel so sad when you share things like this.”
- “I’m worried about your mental health.”

8

Let your friend know they’ll always have your support.

Being there for your friend is the best thing you can do. They may leave their partner, they might try counseling, or they might just stay in an unhappy marriage. Let your friend know that whatever happens, they’ll always have you—it will probably make them feel much more safe and secure.^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source
US Office on Women's Health
U.S. government agency providing resources for women's health
Go to source}
- You could say something like, “I’m always here for you no matter what. You know that, right?”

9

Allow your friend to make their own decision.

They might decide to leave their marriage, or they might decide to stay. Try not to be frustrated with their decision, and don’t berate them if they decide to stay with their partner or go back to them eventually. Toxic and abusive relationships are very hard to get out of, and it’s not easy to make a clean break most of the time.^{[12]
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10

Reach out to your friend often.

Being in a bad marriage can be an isolating experience. Try to keep in touch with your friend as much as you can, and offer to hang out or talk on the phone often. It will probably make them feel much less alone, and it’s a good way to keep an eye on them and make sure they’re okay, too.^{[13]
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Research source}^{[14]
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Expert Source

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.}
- Even if you can’t meet up in-person, a text convo or a short phone call are still great ways to stay in touch.

11

Help your friend seek professional assistance if they need to.

If your friend is in an abusive relationship, they may need outside help. Give them access to domestic abuse hotlines and shelters so they can get away quickly if they need to. If your friend’s life is in danger, encourage them to go to the police and get out of the house as soon as they can.^{[15]
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Trustworthy Source
State of Massachusetts
Official website for the State of Massachusetts
Go to source}
- In the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you say to someone who is struggling in their marriage?

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Michael Dickerson is a Clinical Psychologist with over 6 years of experience working in college counseling. He specializes in anxiety, OCD, and men's mental health. Michael holds a BA in Psychology from California State University, Sacramento and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) from The Wright Institute in Berkeley CA.

Michael Dickerson, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Remind them that you're here to listen, and be open and understanding as they share their struggles with you. If you've gone through something similar, feel free to share that experience with them—self disclosure feels more comfortable when it goes both ways.