How to Help Someone Who You Think Is Cutting Themselves

Cutting is a form of self-harming that is done with no intent of suicide. People who resort to multiple episodes of cutting are usually those who fall in the category of people experiencing loneliness, emptiness in the heart, those having difficult or dysfunctional relationships. People who cut themselves may also have an inability to cope with stress, an inability to express feelings and emotions owing to inadequate communication skills, have had traumatic experiences, or may have undergone abuse of some kind, which can be sexual, physical, or emotional at some point of their lives.[1] If you know someone who you think is cutting themselves, there are ways to help.

Method 1
Method 1 of 5:

Connecting with Your Loved One

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    Make sure you are in a place to help. If you really want to help a loved one who cuts, it is important for you to be mentally and emotionally strong before you start. When you help someone who self-harms, you might have to listen to and witness very taxing and traumatizing events. You have to commit to doing it from the beginning. You cannot decide to pull out of it half way through. You could make it worse for them if you turn your back on them after they share their pain and experiences with you.
    • Be aware that helping others with self-harm may bring new feelings up for you as well. You might feel resentful towards the person, develop extreme sympathy for them, or become excessively frustrated. When you experience these feelings, remember to stay balanced and keep a check on your emotions so you can be a neutral, loving presence for them.[2]
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    Approach your friend with ease and compassion. If you notice that your friend has cuts on their arms, if you notice a change in clothing where they are covering their skin even when it's hot outside, or if you have any other reason to think that your friend is cutting themselves, you should try to help. When you approach your friend, do so in an easy, gentle manner. Don't try to accuse them of keeping things from you, yell at them for their actions, or be combative in any way. They need your support and understanding as well as your help, so accusing them or being aggressive is not going to get you anywhere. Instead, approach them with compassion and understanding and let them know that you are there for them.
    • If they are not ready to acknowledge the problem yet, accept that they may need more time. Still keep an eye on them and be as supportive in other ways as possible, letting them know that you care and are there for them. They will come to you when they are ready to talk about it.
    • Never give your friend an ultimatum. Always be supportive and positive.[3]
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    Acknowledge their emotions. Since most people who cut do so to release inner emotions, letting your friend know that you acknowledge and understand their emotions, or at least empathize with them, will help them. You need to connect with them on a personal level in order to help them, get through to them, and be part of their recovery process. Tell them you understand how overwhelming emotions can be and that you sometimes get overwhelmed too.
    • You can also use this time to talk about how you release your emotions without telling them how to change them. This will offer them a suggestion of positive ways to express emotions that don't involve cutting but that aren't treated as aggressive suggestions to change their life.
    • Although you want to show them that you empathize, you never want to join them in cutting yourself in order to let her know you know how they feel. This will only hurt you and reinforce their self-harm.[4]
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    Be consistent. Do not bounce back and forth with your approach to their self-harm. Do not act as if you are suspicious of their intentions, emotions, and behavior. If you in any way feel you cannot trust them or what they say, don't let it show. Be there to support them and let them know you are there. Gaining their trust fully may take time. If you approach them with a helpful attitude some times and at other times displaying an I am not concerned attitude, you may do more harm than good.[5]
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    Don't take charge. Do not go about helping your loved one or friend by acting as though you are in control of their life. Although you want to change their self-harming behavior, you do not need to take charge of everything or control your loved one. Don't be extremely strict or controlling. This could frighten them to such an extent that they could find you unapproachable.
    • It can also aggravate the cutting behavior, especially if they use cutting as a way to have more control over their life or body.[6]
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    Understand that as much as you want to help your friend or loved one, you cannot make your friend recover or change their behavior. In order to truly overcome cutting, your friend must find a way to accomplish this themselves.
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    Keep the connection open. You may not be able to reach your friend. If they are not yet in a place where they want to be helped, you can't force them to be ready. Make sure you leave the lines of communication open and let them know that you are there for them, but don't push them to listen to you if you have tried your best to talk to them. If you push too hard, you could push them away and then you won't be able to help them at all.
    • Try to keep a close eye on your friend in case their behavior escalates. In this case, you may need to suggest professional help to get their self-harm under control.[7]
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Method 2
Method 2 of 5:

Helping Move Past Cutting

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    Encourage activity. Try to encourage your loved one to be as active as possible. When they feel disturbed or have the urge to cut themselves, they need to find a more positive, active outlet to let it out. Suggest doing rigorous exercise, such as running, dancing, aerobics, swimming, tennis, or kickboxing. These can provide an outlet for all of their sadness, aggression, or unhealthy emotion that leads to cutting. Offer to join your friend and exercise together.
    • To help calm their mind, they can also try yoga, meditation, or tai chi. These exercises can help them get a new lease on life, with a fresh, energetic, confident approach that will help them not want to cut themselves.
    • Exercise also releases endorphins into their body, which are the chemicals in the body that makes them feel good.[8] When a person cuts themselves, endorphins rush to the area of the cut and are released into the bloodstream, which cause feelings of relaxation, happiness, and relief. Exercise provides them with a positive way to release endorphins instead.[9]
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    Help increase their self-esteem. Low self-esteem is one reason that drives a person to cut. You need to help them understand that cutting will not and cannot improve their self-image but accomplishments and achievements will. Help them prove to themselves that they are amazing and full of accomplishments. This can be through their studies, work, friends, or volunteering. When they become aware of their accomplishments, their self-esteem will go up and they will feel better about themselves. This should lead them to not want to cut.[10]
    • You can help your friend realize they are full of accomplishments by sharing with them a list of their positive attributes and accomplishments.
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    Don't lecture. Pandering to them will not make her want to change their self-harming behavior. Do not try to drill the person with lectures and sermons that go on for a long time. Keep your talks small and simple. Let the person take in and digest whatever it is you told them. Give them the time to contemplate.
    • Have your small pep talks at a location that is pleasant, peaceful, in the midst of nature, away from hustle and bustle, and private, where the chances of being bothered are minimal. If you can't go somewhere in nature, try a quiet place in your apartment or house or a secluded study room at your local library. The exact location doesn't matter as long as it's a place where you can an honest, uninterrupted conversation.
    • Give them ample time to talk to you. Give them the time they need and want. Do not push them into speeding things up and always choose a place and time that they are comfortable with.
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    Be patient. Your loved one will not stop cutting overnight or because you tell them to. For them, this is the way they know how to deal with their feelings. Telling them to stop the behavior immediately may terrify them because they might have gotten so used to this coping mechanism and feel lost in the absence of an alternative coping skill. This can also make it worse for them since you are trying to take away their coping mechanism for their pain and trauma. Be patient and accept that it will take time. Don't get discouraged and take your time helping them.[11]
    • Issuing ultimatums without assisting or supporting them in ways to find safe alternatives is not a wise option and can cause more harm than good.
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    Suggest reading. People who cut themselves are apprehensive of socializing because they may face suspicious looks and unanswerable probing from others. In order to take their mind off cutting and avoid uncomfortable social situations, suggest they read more. Books open up new horizons. They can travel beyond the four walls of their room without really going out. They can also learn that there are innumerable ways various people have dealt with tough times and experiences.
    • Books also provide an opportunity to understand that there can be plenty of positive and acceptable coping strategies. Present them with books that are thought-provoking, such as those that will help them look within themselves and assess their personal predicament.
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    Consider a journal. A great way to help your loved one come to terms with their cutting is through journaling. Tell them to maintain a daily journal that they put all of their thoughts, anguish, pain, and joy into. Writing can take away the pain and leave them light and relieved. Tell them to write about anything that comes to mind.
    • Don't advise them to write specifically about cutting unless they go to a therapist or counselor. You never know what can of worms could open up, so suggesting your friend focus on a problematic behavior that could be compensating for that trauma is not a good idea unless they go to a professional for help.
    • A journal can also help a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor learn about their condition before diagnosis and treatment.[12]
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Method 3
Method 3 of 5:

Avoiding Another Episode

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    Remove triggering items. Chances of cutting are higher when they are at home where they can have access to their tools. This can be from multiple different objects, such as razors, knives, scissors, or glass bottles. Encourage them to remove these objects from their environment so they aren't tempted to cut themselves.
    • Sit with them as they move the objects out of their immediate area. If they aren't ready to throw them away yet, have them put them on a high shelf or in a room across the house. This will give them more time to think about what they are doing before they do it, which may make them not want to cut themselves.
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    Pep up their spirits. Getting your friend's mind off of their troubles is a great way to help them not want to self-harm. With their consent, try to change their surroundings and environment to help them feel better. Go on a trip, change the arrangement and decor in their room, change the wall colors, or put up some interesting, funny, or inspirational posters. You can also help them choose the changes they want in their room and help them put those changes into effect. This can be a change in the way the room smells, looks, or feels.
    • Be part of the process from start to finish. Take them shopping for the new items in the room and don't leave them until the project is done. Help them enjoy the process of welcoming changes into their life.
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    Provide distractions. Fighting the urge to cut themselves can be especially hard when they are at home alone with nothing else on their mind or if they are preoccupied with themselves and their painful feelings. Tell them to call you or visit when they have the urge to cut. Try to involve yourself in activities along with them that will keep their mind off of it. Think about their likes, interests, and hobbies and try to do something that involves those things.
    • If they love nature, go for a hike. If they love to paint, encourage them to paint. They can do anything creative, such as write a story, play an instrument, or draw a picture. They can also watch a movie or TV show, listen to music, play a game, or anything else they love to do.
    • If you surround them with activities and things they like, they will be more likely to be distracted from their behavior and need to cut themselves.
    • If they don't go out much, encourage them to meet new people, develop contacts, and nurture relationships. This can improve self-confidence, self-esteem, and help them build trust in people.
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Method 4
Method 4 of 5:

Encouraging Treatment

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    Suggest getting help. When you first learn that a friend or loved one is self-harming, see if they are ready to seek professional help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor. These professionals have special training to help people combat behaviors in their lives that are bringing harm. If your friend insists that they are not crazy, agree with them. Tell them that people see mental health professionals for many life issues, and many times for self-growth. If your friend is worried about the stigma of seeing a mental health professional, suggest they see someone who is not right in town. It is a valid and helpful service that can truly help them with their problem. Professionals are better equipped to help them understand why they harm themselves and what they are trying to accomplish with the behavior.[13]
    • The involvement of a mental health professional is vital if you are serious about the recovery of your loved one. There is always a stigma associated with seeking help from a mental health professional, but it is essential to convince your loved one to seek treatment.[14]
    • If they are not ready for that, offer to help them research self-harm and triggers. There is an abundance of information on the internet about many topics, and self-harm is no different. Make sure you find information and literature from credible sources, such as psychological foundations or helpline websites. Some content can be misleading and could work against helping your friend or loved one get better.
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    Encourage participation in a support group. A support group is the coming together of individuals who have the same issue or similar concerns, face similar challenges, and undergo similar experiences. Although you act as a one-person support group for a while, they may need companionship from someone who understands exactly what they are going through. After some time with you, they may gradually muster enough courage to meet with people like them in order to know their stories, their disappointments, how they succeeded in overcoming cutting, and learning how and why they failed.[15]
    • They might be hesitant or unwilling to be a part of the support meant for people who cut themselves. To encourage them, you could accompany them to give them the strength and support they need to make that final step.
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    Consider dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Dialectical behavior therapy is one effective way to treat a person who cuts themselves. This is a modified version of cognitive behavioral therapy. In DBT, the therapist carries out a thorough analysis of the person resorting to the cutting behavior. Apart from working with the person seeking treatment, the psychiatrist also makes an effort to involve the family of the person, which will help them to understand and identify the situations and experiences that could have led to the behavior. The psychiatrist also tries to incorporate healthy and acceptable coping skills in the person.[16]
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    Have an intervention. Interventions are carried out under the guidance of a professional interventionist. These are one of the most effective approaches to open up a discussion between the person cutting and the people considered to be important in their life. It can also be difficult because, at an intervention, the painful feelings and emotions associated with the cutting behavior are kept in the open for all the significant people in their life to see. While it helps them to understand without having to worry about hurting each other, it can be difficult to hear.
    • The professional interventionist has a major role to play in getting rid of the cutting behavior in the family's loved one. Get a professional interventionist to arrange an intervention for the person cutting and their loved ones. You could also be one of the participants since you care about them as well.[17]
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Method 5
Method 5 of 5:

Telling the Negative Consequences

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    Explain the scars. There are physical marks that remain from cutting. The marks and injuries which cutting can leave behind may make your loved one feel self-conscious, which may cause them to stay away from socializing with friends and family out of fear and embarrassment. This can further deplete their self-esteem levels and make them more insecure, which can feed into the urge to cut themselves again. Explain this to them and let them know they can stop and not have any additional scars.
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    Warn them about the health risks. There may come a time when superficial cutting will no longer comfort them, which can cause them to need to cut deeper and deeper with passing time. This can cause serious health problems. The open wounds from cutting that remain exposed cause infections and other serious health issues.
    • Your loved one might end up cutting in the wrong place, which can cause serious blood loss or accidental death.[18] [19]
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    Watch out for anemia. Continuous episodes of cutting can disrupt the functioning of vital body parts or organs. This is because the body loses blood during multiple episodes of cutting, which can deplete the hemoglobin levels in the blood, which can cause anemia. Anemia that goes untreated can cause shortness of breath, palpitations, swelling of arms and legs, chest pain, heartburn, sweating, and vomiting.[20]
    • In the case of children and adolescents, severe anemia can affect motor skills and mental faculties. They may have a poor attention span and become less alert and responsive.
    • Adults with untreated anemia may develop heart-related problems and may even experience a stroke and cardiac conditions. Anemia may also impair cognitive powers.
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References

  1. ↑ http://www.livescience.com/42146-why-do-people-cut-themselves.html
  2. ↑ http://www.ulifeline.org/articles/437-how-to-help-a-friend-who-is-self-injuring
  3. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/friends/friend_cuts.html
  4. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/friends/friend_cuts.html
  5. ↑ http://www.interventionsupport.com/cutting-addiction/
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201301/coping-self-harm
  7. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/friends/friend_cuts.html
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201301/coping-self-harm
  9. ↑ https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/parents-and-young-people/information-for-parents-and-carers/self-harm-for-parents
  1. ↑ http://www.ulifeline.org/articles/437-how-to-help-a-friend-who-is-self-injuring
  2. ↑ http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/abuse-and-addiction/conquering-cutting-and-other-forms-of-selfinjury/helping-a-family-member-or-friend-who-cuts
  3. ↑ https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/treating-self-harm-children-and-adolescents
  4. ↑ http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/worried-about-a-friend-who-is-self-harming
  5. ↑ http://www.livescience.com/42146-why-do-people-cut-themselves.html
  6. ↑ http://www.psyke.org/articles/en/cutting_self_injury/
  7. ↑ http://digitalcommons.providence.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1020&context=socialwrk_students
  8. ↑ http://www.interventionsupport.com/cutting-addiction/
  9. ↑ http://www.interventionsupport.com/cutting-addiction/
  10. ↑ http://www.psyke.org/articles/en/cutting_self_injury/
  11. ↑ http://www.md-health.com/Low-Hemoglobin.html

About This Article

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Co-authored by:
Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. This article has been viewed 251,625 times.
42 votes - 81%
Co-authors: 47
Updated: September 11, 2022
Views: 251,625
Categories: Self Harm
Article SummaryX

It can be scary to find out that someone you know is cutting themselves, but you can support them by helping them cope with their emotions and encouraging them to seek professional help. Suggest to your friend or loved one that they take up exercise, like running or cycling, or a relaxation activity, such as yoga, since physical activities can help express sadness or aggression in a positive way. You could also suggest they keep a journal where they write about their feelings and thoughts, because this may help them deal with their emotions without turning to self-harm. Since they’ll be more likely to cut themselves if they’re left alone with their own thoughts, do some hobbies or activities together, like painting, hiking, or going to the movies. If your loved one is open to seeking help, encourage them to see a mental health professional, such as a counselor, who can help them come to terms with their behavior. Alternatively, suggest that they attend a support group of likeminded people. For tips from our Health co-author on how to remove triggers that can lead to cutting, keep reading!

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