How to Get a Nerd to Like You

Co-authored by Lisa Shield

Last Updated: January 9, 2022 References

Today, the term “nerd” no longer carries the negative stigma it once did as gaming culture, sci-fi, and innovative technology are all starting to be embraced by mainstream culture. You might find yourself falling for someone who fits the “nerd” description but don’t know how to approach them. Though there are some things to keep in mind when getting to know your new crush, you’ll likely find that they aren’t all that different from other people.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Getting to Know Your Crush

1
Ask around. Find out what you can about your crush (without being a stalker). Ask your friends for any information, such as whether they’re available, what their interests are, their age, and so on. It’s always best to have at least a little bit of information about your crush before approaching them.
- Having some background information will be helpful as you’ll then have some conversation starters as well as an idea of whether or not you two would be compatible in a relationship.
2
Introduce yourself. Don’t be nervous and instead just aim to be direct and friendly.^{[1]
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Research source} Let them know who you are and start a simple conversation with them. After all, the relationship will never happen unless you actually talk to them!
- If you two have anything in common (such as being in the same class or seeing each other at the same coffee shop frequently) start by talking about that. That way, you’ll have more of a reason to approach them and you’ll already have a topic that you can fall back on for conversation. Try saying something like, “Hey have I seen you at _____ before? You look familiar.”
- You can avoid awkwardness by coming up to them and giving a friendly smile and handshake. Don’t immediately ask them a lot of questions. Instead just give them a little compliment or make small talk. Saying something as simple as, “Hey, I really like your shoes, where did you get them?” could potentially spark a longer conversation.
- If you two have any friends in common, ask the friend to introduce you. That will make the introduction more natural and the friend could work as a mediator for you two to get to know each other.
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3
Don’t make any assumptions about them. Though your crush may physically fit the description of a nerd or have a reputation as one, don’t make any assumptions about who they are or what they are like. After all, you want to get to know your crush as a real person, not as a stereotype.
- For example, instead of assuming they like video games or programming, simply ask them what their hobbies are. Be sure to ask follow up questions and show an interest in what they are telling you.
4
Start out as friends. Nerds are known for being more socially anxious so a great way to get to know your crush without a lot of pressure is by starting off as friends.^{[2]
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Research source} Rather than openly flirting or asking them out on the spot, get to know them through casual conversation.
- For example, skip the candlelit dinner date and ask them if they want to go to a cultural event, walk in the park, or any other activity that isn’t strictly all about romance. After all, at this stage you want to get to know them and for them to get comfortable being around you.
5
Reveal your own quirky or unusual side. Nerds are generally people who are considered outside of the mainstream so don’t be afraid to share any unusual traits about you that others may not know about. Even if they don’t share your interest, they’ll likely be intrigued that there’s something “different” about you.^{[3]
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- If you have any personal projects, such as drawing manga or gourmet cooking, share these interests with them!
- Perhaps you collect Pokémon cards, have a secret spot where you go to reflect, or have an unusual superstition (such as believing in aliens). Don’t be afraid to let your crush know about your quirks as they’ll get to know you better and being vulnerable can help develop a closer relationship.^{[4]
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Communicate via social media. Many nerds struggle with face to face interaction, which is why so many of them are drawn to the Internet and virtual forms of communication.^{[5]
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- For example, every so often you can send your crush a funny video or a greeting on Facebook or Google Hangouts. Just be sure to not do this too frequently, especially if they don’t readily respond.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Showing Your Interest

1
Carry on conversations. Being a good conversationalist is an art and one that nerds are known for struggling with. Therefore, if you want to get closer to your crush, it’s likely that it’ll be up to you to carry on the conversation.
- Instead of just waiting for your turn to talk, truly listen to what your crush is telling you. Ask follow up questions and add in little comments or even nonverbal cues (such as nodding your head) to let them know you are really interested.^{[6]
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- Avoid making them feel like they’re being interrogated by offering information about yourself throughout. Do your best to carry on a conversation naturally, rather than posing one unrelated questions after another.^{[7]
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  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.}
- If you find anything in common, try to go deeper into that topic. For example, if you discover you share similar views on politics, continue talking about it and sharing your opinions. After a while, the conversation should start to naturally flow as you two get to know each other better.^{[8]
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  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.}
2
Flirt. Your crush is never going to know how you feel if you don't put out some signals. You should be calm and confident and not too aggressive.^{[9]
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Research source} Flirting can be as simple as giving them a slightly longer hug when greeting them, touching their shoulder, laughing a lot at their jokes, and paying them compliments.^{[10]
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Research source} Try to strike the right balance between being forthright without making them nervous. If they start to seem uncomfortable with all of the attention, back off a little bit and just focus on having a pleasant conversation.
3
Compliment them on their intelligence. What many nerds lack in social grace, they make up for in intelligence. Whether it’s a knack for mathematics or an encyclopedic knowledge of Japanese anime, let them know that you’re impressed by it!
- Making other people feel validated is crucial in any relationship and some nerds may have grown up being mocked for their skills or interests so be sure to distinguish yourself by doing the exact opposite.^{[11]
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4
Express interest in their interests. Note this is different from faking interest. If you are truly bored when they go off about their area of expertise, it may be time to rethink whether you really want to get this person to like you. However, if you really do get interested in what they are really into, not only will they be delighted to have an audience, but it’s is also a good sign that you two would actually be good together.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.}^{[13]
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- For example, if your crush tells you what their favorite books or movies are, read or watch some of them. That way, the next time you see them, you’ll have something to talk about and it’s also a great way to let your crush know you are interested in them.
5
Show off just a little bit. Nerds appreciate intelligence so take some opportunities to demonstrate that you also have in-depth knowledge on a particular subject or have a special skill of your own.^{[14]
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- For example, if you two are making small talk about the weather, you can throw in an interesting fact such as, “did you know that those stringy, fluffy clouds are called Cirrus clouds, and mean that it’s going to rain in the next 36 hours?”
- Another option is to occasionally rant about some of your passions. For example, if you love to read, tell your crush about the book you’ve been reading lately and your impressions of it. Your crush will likely appreciate that you have an intellectual side so that you two will have a lot to talk about and teach each other.
- Don’t be afraid to occasionally challenge your crush to a debate. Nerds love intellectually stimulating conversation so letting them know that you’re up for long discussions may make them more interested in talking to you.
6
Dress nicely when you see them. Don’t get dressed up in formal wear every time there’s a chance you might run into your crush, but do put in a bit of effort. Not only is it always nice to be presentable but wearing clothing that is clean and flattering will draw your crush’s attention to your physical attributes and perhaps encourage them to see you as more than just a friend.^{[15]
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- With that being said, a nerd is less likely to be concerned with fashion. So, whether you’re a boy or girl, just focus on wearing clothes that are clean and look nice but aren’t necessarily the cutting edge of fashion.
- If you are a girl, don’t suddenly begin wearing more makeup whenever you see your crush. Putting on a bit of gloss or eyeliner that draws attention to your best features is fine, but your crush may be a bit confused by any drastic style changes.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making Your Move

1
Gauge their interest. If you are getting any signs that your crush likes you back, it may be time to make a move and let them know that you are interested in them romantically.
- Watch their body language. Men and women show they are interested in different ways. Nerds of both genders may be more likely to be flustered or nervous rather than being the type to respond smoothly to little shows of affection or compliments.
- If your crush is a guy, here are some signs that they are interested in you: going out of their way to do nice things for you, getting flustered or reddening when you compliment them, paying attention to you on social media (such as liking all of your Facebook profile pictures), and finding ways to get physically closer to you.^{[16]
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- If your crush is a girl, the signs may be different and can include the following: leaning towards you when you speak, playing with their hair or clothes, and periodically flicking their eyes away before looking back into yours.^{[17]
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2
Be direct and let them know how you feel.^{[18]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.} If you two have already established a friendship, it may be time to just let them know that you have romantic feelings for them and would like to know if they feel the same way. If you two are still at the acquaintance stage but you are getting possible signals that they are interested in you, ask them out on a date and make your feelings clear.
- If you two are already friends, let them know how you feel in a private, comfortable setting. You can begin the conversation by saying, “Hey, I just want to let you know it’s been great hanging out and I like you in a way that’s more than just friends.” If they respond positively, you can follow up by asking them to dinner or even come up with a more creative date idea that you think they would like (such as a comic book expo if they read comic books). If they don’t respond or tell you they don’t feel the same way, don’t take it personally and tell them you’d be glad to remain just friends.
- If you are at the acquaintance stage, ask them if they have a moment to talk and casually ask them on a date. You can say, “I just want to let you know you seem like an interesting person and I’d like to get to know you better. Would you like to get coffee or have dinner sometime?” If they say no or don’t respond, you can be kind about it by saying, “It’s no problem, I just thought I would ask. Have a great day!”
- If you are the romantic type and aren’t afraid to show your feelings, try asking them out in a creative way. For example, you could give them a little present, such as a book that you think they would like, with a handwritten note saying you would love to talk about the book over a meal and some wine. Asking them out this way may relieve some of the pressure as they don’t have to immediately respond, and they’ll also realize that you care enough to know what their interests are.
3
Be kind, regardless of the outcome. Your crush may say yes to a date but it’s always possible that you’ll be rejected in spite of your efforts. Perhaps your crush isn’t interested in you or just doesn’t want a relationship at the moment. If that’s the case, don’t get angry or break off the friendship. Instead, appreciate the friendship and be kind even if you’ve been rejected.
- If you don’t know your crush that well and they say no, you can make things less awkward by smiling and saying something casual like, “Cool, no problem, sorry if I bothered you!”
- If you two are already friends, emphasize that the friendship is important to you by saying something along the lines of, “I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable, I’m more than happy to just be friends too.”
- Don’t ask them out repeatedly. Respect their decision and treat them with the same kindness and respect that you did before. After all, no one is ever obligated to like another person so if you are rejected, take it in stride and move on with your life.