How to Get Your Parents to See Your Point of View

Co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA

Last Updated: October 28, 2021 References

It's not unusual to feel like your parents do not understand. You may feel your parents are not open to your viewpoint. However, your parents want to have a healthy relationship with you. Expressing yourself respectfully can help them better understand you. Plan ahead when discussing difficult subjects, be respectful when explaining your perspective, and look for ways to continue an open dialogue into the future.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Planning A Conversation

1
Write down your feelings. Trying to explain an issue you're having to your parents can be hard. It can be helpful to write your feelings down ahead of time. This helps you figure out what you want to say, allowing you to have a productive, effective conversation.
- To start, just write down what you are feeling. Are you upset over an argument you had with your parents? Do you feel like your parents do not respect or understand you as much as they could? Explain your feelings in detail, and also make note of why you're feeling them.
- You should also purge any anger in writing. Going into a conversation mad can be toxic to healthy dialogue. It may be a good idea to write out any anger you're feeling ahead of time rather than expressing it later.
- Try to find the best way to articulate your feelings. As you write, read over your words. See if there's a way to tweak them to make them more easily understandable. This can help when you sit down and confront your parents.
2
Consider what you want to get out of the conversation. You should consider what your end goal is with this conversation. Do you want your parents to apologize? Do you want them to do something differently in the future? A difficult conversation should have some kind of end goal. Make sure you consider this ahead of time.
- To start, you probably want your parents to simply understand where you're coming from. Generational gaps can cause misunderstanding between children and parents. Things change over time, and cultural norms are likely different for you than they were when your parents were your age. It's important to get your parents to understand how you're shaped by the times.^{[1]
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- You may be looking for something more specific, however. Maybe you're asking permission to do something, like attend a party. Maybe you want support or guidance in school or your social life. Try to consider what you're asking for, and the best way to make that request. For example, maybe your parents will think you wanting to extend your curfew for prom night is petty. However, maybe you're a senior in high school and this is one of the last nights you and your friends will spend together as a group. Talk about your need for social connection and lasting memories.^{[2]
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3
Choose a good time to talk. When you have a conversation can be just as important as how you have. Pick a time to talk when you and your parents will not be stressed or distracted. This can help the conversation run smoother.
- Look for a day of the week free of external obligations. Talking 30 minutes before your Dad has to get to a PTA meeting is a bad idea, as is choosing to talk when you have basketball practice in 15 minutes. Pick a day of the week when everyone's night is relatively free.^{[3]
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- Pick a good place to talk. You do not want to start a difficult conversation at a noisy, crowded restaurant. Instead, choose to talk in your living room. Minimize external distractions. Turn off the TV and do not check your phone during the conversation.^{[4]
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4
Go in without expectations. If you go into the conversation expecting it to unfold in a certain way, you may feel disappointed or frustrated when things turn out differently. Do not try to predict how your parents will act. Allow things to unfold freely.
- Negative expectations can cause you to go into the conversation with hostility. If you expect your parents to be dismissive of your desire to stay out late on prom night, you may come into the conversation angry and confrontational. This could make your parents less likely to listen to your perspective.
- You should also not have overly high expectations. If you're asking for permission to stay out until 4 in the morning on prom night, it's unlikely your parents will agree. Try not to insist on getting your exact way. Know ahead of time you may have to compromise on some things during the conversation. For example, maybe your parents will agree to extend your curfew, but only until 1:30 and only if you check in every half hour.
5
Consider your parents' point of view. Before going into the conversation, consider your parents' perspective a bit. While you may feel like they're being harsh or unfair, your parents ultimately want what's best for you. Try to understand the rationale for their rules. Your parents will be more willing to listen to you if you've shown maturity by considering their perspective.^{[5]
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- Are there any extenuating circumstances at play? For example, maybe you have an older sibling who has gotten in trouble in the past. Your parents may have developed strict rules for you to prevent you from following the same path.
- Keep in mind being a parent is very hard. Raising a child comes with a lot of stress that's hard for you to understand if you're not a parent as well. Be empathetic. Place yourself in your parents shoes and imagine how scary and difficult it must be to raise a child in a world that's often dangerous and unpredictable.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Talking to Your Parents

1
Remain calm. Before beginning the conversation, try to remain calm. If you come into the conversation angry or stressed, you may be inclined to yell and argue. This will make it hard for your parents to see your point of view. Take a few deep breaths just before the conversation. This will help you enter the situation in a calm fashion.
2
Be clear and direct with your parents. You want to make sure you are understood. As you begin to try and express your viewpoint, be as clear and direct as possible. You want to make sure no information gets obscured.
- Be upfront about what you want to discuss. Open the conversation stating your concerns. Start with something like, "I wanted to talk to you guys about prom night. I've been thinking about it for awhile, and an 11 o'clock curfew seems early. This is a special occasion and I would like to stay out later."^{[6]
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- Be honest. If you leave out or obscure any information, this can lessen trust. Your parents will be unlikely to see your point of view if they feel you're being dishonest with them. Provide them with all the information necessary. For example, say something like, "I know you feel like my friend Joel is a bad influence. He will be hanging out with us for a little bit on prom night, but I promise I won't do anything I'm not supposed to do. If there's any drinking or anything else illegal going on, I promise I'll come home right away."^{[7]
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3
Use "I" statements. "I"-statements are a great way to express yourself and get others to see your perspective.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} They emphasize personal feeling over objective truth. You'll be telling your parents how a certain action or behavior makes you feel. This way, your parents won't feel blamed or judged by your assertions.
- An "I"-statement has three parts. It begins with "I feel," after which you immediately state your emotion. Then, you state the action that lead to that emotion. Lastly, you explain why you feel that way.
- Stating your emotions without an "I"-statement risks sounding judgmental. For example, you may be inclined to say something like, "You guys always assume that I'm going to end up just like Elizabeth. I know she screwed up in high school, but stop looking at me like I'm my sister." This statement is needlessly confrontational and accusatory. It may escalate the situation instead of allowing your parents to see your perspective.
- You can easily rephrase the above sentiment using an "I"-statement. Try something like, "I feel misjudged when you bring up Elizabeth's mistakes when making rules for me because I'm my own person." This is far less judgmental. You are not expressing anger or frustration, but merely explaining how your parents behavior affects your feelings.
4
Listen to your parents' perspective. Just as it's important that your parents understand you, you should be willing to take their point of view into consideration. Even if you feel frustrated by their responses, remain calm and listen to what they have to say.^{[9]
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- Your parents probably have reasons for making certain rules for you. Even if they seem unfair, you should try to understand. If you're confused about something, ask your parents for clarification on why they feel the way they do.
- Be respectful. Do not say something like, "Why would you expect me to drink just because other kids are drinking? That makes no sense." Instead, ask for clarification in a calm manner. Try something like, "I understand you worry about other kids influencing me, but I've always been really responsible. Can you explain why you still have reservations?"
5
Avoid arguing and complaining. Sometimes, your parents simply will be unable to understand something. Even if they make the effort to listen to your perspective, they main remain relatively firm in their stance. If this is the case, avoid arguing or complaining. This only serves to escalate the situation, frustrating both you and your parents further.^{[10]
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- If your parents aren't listening to your perspective, try to end the conversation. While you may be frustrated, continuing to push, argue, or complain after a certain point is counterproductive. Say something like, "I'm sorry. I don't think we're hearing each other. Maybe we can talk again later."
- It's always possible your parents will feel differently in a few days. Parents are not perfect and yours may overreact to certain requests or declarations. Even if you were just sincerely trying to express your perspective, this can be misconstrued as an insult or accusation. If the conversation does not go well, give it a few days. Then, approach your parents again. Say something like, "I know we already talked about prom night, and you didn't seem too happy, but can we talk again? There are just a few things I'm not sure I understand."

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Moving Forward

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Look for a mutually beneficial solution. The point of sharing your point of view is to find a solution to a problem. If you and your parents are routinely misunderstanding each other, work to find a mutually beneficial solution.^{[11]
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- Look for a way to smooth out miscommunications as they occur. For example, maybe your parents feel you're on your phone too much. Your parents come from a generation that primarily communicates through phone calls and face-to-face interactions. They may not understand the function of social media and text messaging on modern relationships.
- Try to say something to your parents like, "The next time you see me on the phone, think about my age. My whole life, text and the Internet have been how I communicate with friends. It may seem petty, but it's really no different than when you and Dad phone old classmates."
- You should also be willing to compromise. While they want you to have a healthy social life, maybe when you're on your phone at dinner or family events, your parents feel like you're not enjoying their company. You could request they not give you a hard time about using your phone during your own downtime. However, you could agree to lessen phone time at the dinner table or when you're all hanging out.
2
Have patience. Change does not happen overnight. It may take your parents time to hear and understand you after you explain your perspective to them. Do not expect them to change overnight.
- Forgive your parents for small mistakes. Maybe they agreed to ask less questions about your social life, as you've proven yourself trustworthy. However, they may still pry on occasion. Try to let go of the fact your mom asked three questions in a row about your friend Jane's new boyfriend.^{[12]
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- Remind your parents, respectfully, when they're forgetting your point of view. If your mom asks you why you've been on your phone for an hour, say something like, "Mom, sorry, but we talked about this. I spend a lot of time talking to my friends through my phone. You know I'm just texting Sophie. You don't need to ask."
3
Accept rules and responsibilities. While you may want your parents to understand your point of view, you can't expect you won't have rules and responsibilities you need to follow. It's reasonable that your parents have certain expectations of your behavior. Try to respect these expectations.
- Be upfront about what you're doing. If you're going to see a movie with Theresa, do not say you're hanging out at Theresa's house for the evening. If your parents want you to check in on occasion, call them or send them a text updating them on what you're doing.
- Complete any responsibilities you have. Do your homework on time, keep up with chores around the house, and be respectful of your parents.
4
Talk regularly. If you want your parents to understand you, active communication is key. Make a point of talking to your parents regularly. This way, your parents will get to know you as a person. This will make it easier for them to understand your point of view.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
- Talk every day. Even if it's just a 10 minute chat over dinner, communication is important. If your parents ask you how your day was, make a point of offering an in-depth answer instead of something like, "Okay" or "Fine."^{[14]
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- Chat about day-to-day things. If you're struggling to think of topics for conversation, just talk about small things. Share an anecdote about something that happened at school. Let them know about the funny thing your friend Josh said at lunch.^{[15]
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5
Think about the bigger picture. There's always a bigger picture at play when there is a disappointment or misunderstanding between two people. What is it you really want your parents to understand about you? How can you continue to make this clear as you move forward? What can your parents do to help make your relationship run more smoothly?^{[16]
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- Let's return to an example from earlier. You want your parents to understand why prom night is important to you. However, on a deeper level you wish they would trust your judgment more. What are ways you can make this clear to your parents?
- Small things can speak volumes in terms of establishing trust. From now on, maybe you could fill your parents in on small aspects of your life without prompting. This may make them less likely to think you're hiding something. If you got a bad grade on a test, let them know you slipped up and will try to do better in the future. It's better they hear it upfront, from you, rather than receiving the news from your teacher in a few days.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you communicate with a critical parent?

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

Jin S. Kim, MA

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Find a communication style that works for you! For example, writing an email or letter to your parent could help loosen up stalemates in your overall communication.